Disappointed in my non-parent friends

[sassy]

I have been involved with a great group of people for some time - I've been friends with two of them for 15 years and we've grown up together. But since I had dd, now 11 months, (they are all childless) they see me less and less. It's always been nice cos all the partners get on well too, but now dh gets invited out with the boys but the girls don't go out together or if they do, they dn't invite me!
Makes it worse that one of these women is my sil and I've tried really hard to be a big support to her. I'm a teacher and when she decided to go down the same route, I gave her loads of advice, listened to her moans about kids etc. Now she only contacts me when she wants to sound off about work. She only seems interested in me as her niece's mother, not as a person in my own right. This was brought home to me the other day when after not contacting me all school holiday (they live ten mins drive away)she turned up at my mil's house while my mil was babysitting dd, so she could spend some time with the baby.
Am I being a miserable old moo? And should I try to say something or grin and bear it?

I know how you feel!!

I'm in a similar position grew up with most of my friends and non have children. My dd is 14 months now and I see my friends less and less even though some live in the same village!!

To add to this I'm a single mum so I don't have a partner to leave baby with and go out. Have you tried calling them up and initiating a meeting?

I'm basically not friends with any of my pre-dd (childless)friends any more. Still talking but only to be polite almost. Totally different priorities and very little left in common. Everyone was very interested when she was first born but it seems when people realised that shock horror my life had changed and I wasn't so available or up for going out as much as before the phone calls slowed down. I've made as much effort as I'm prepared to but I'm not going to apologise for being or mum or haveing to make more complicated plans if I do go out. Hmmm sore point at the moment ! sassy hopefully some older and wiser mums who've been through this and come out the other side will have some words of wisdom ... Do you still work ? I'm sure my friends' attitude towards me has changed because I don't have a job. Or maybe I'm just dull. Don't think you're a miserable old moo anyway. Good luck

Very normal- if you plough through the very long nightmare social occasions thread under behaviour and development you'll find the same sort of sentiments from a different angle. Your priorities have changed, theirs haven't so you have less in common. You may find that when they have kids you pick up your friendships again. Just get out there and find some mum friends.

Still it does p you off doesn't it, it's the being excluded part that is the most offencive. I even went through a faze of not talking about children atall when I went out with non-parent friends but still they don't always invite me - or invite me half as much as they used to.

I do live 3hrs drive away now though but feel that the invite should still be there....... my dp would tell you how wound up I get with it, they don't want to visit us as the children will wake them up too early and they don't ask us to go there......

I just think that if they were real friends then they'd make the same amount of effort to keep the friendship that I do, but hey I could be a miderable old moo.

I've been through a lot of that, BUT it does sound as if you do have particular factors to feel aggrieved about - your sil's behaviour is outrageous! I wonder if she realises she's doing it? Perhaps she thinks that what Mum's want more than anything is for people to adore their children, and that we become so selfless and child orientated that we don't want our own social life anymore....or, could she be jealous????
I can understand that girlfriends have sometimes got weary with me not being available on nights they arrange, so now when I need an outing I take the initiative and set it up for a night I know I can make. This is also a strong signal to them that I have an independent life (who am I kidding!!!)and can still go out for a meal without feeding my companions with teaspoonfuls of mashed up food!

I dont think you friends mean to push you out Sassy they may see you as busy all the time being a Mum. Maybe they feel if they invite you out you may feel awkward in saying "oh you cant come to this event coz of this, that and the other reason"
I dont know the reasons but as Suzysue says get out there and make the iniative.Also what jimjams says about when they have children it may be different.
Pick up the phone and organize a good night on the razz

Thanks for advice and sympathy. Early in my new incarnation as a mum, I instigated a night once a month when the girls could come round to our house (I was bf at the time), eat takeaway, drink my wine and be merry. This happened about three times with me doing all the arranging (and washing up!) every time. I decided someone else could do it and guess what ..that's when it all stopped. Grrrr!!!
I do have some mum friends though these relationships are still quite new and we only ever talk about babies. I will invest more here though, cos I think they have a better chance of being rewarding than my old mates.
As for my sil - I'm glad you think she's out of order too, Blu. But what can I do about it? If I say something, I really will be cast in miserable old moo mode, and I don't want to rock the boat with the whole family.
God, I hate PMT; I'll probably feel loads better next week!

I don't see my childless friends so much, but that doesn't affect our friendship really. I think if they are very good long standing friends, it doesn't really matter if you only see each other 2 or 3 times a year or whatever, you just click back in with them. I must say when I didn't have children I didn't see so much of my friends that did - especially when the children were very young. It's just life. I think you do have to take the initiative and arrange things, otherwise childless friends assume you won't be able to do things and so don't ask you because they don't want to put you in the position of having to refuse a lot.

Think it gets better as children get older.

Sassy: Could you say something like "It's lovely that you got a chance to spend some time with the baby, but I miss you too you know!" or " I missed you over the summer, we must get dp to babysit one night so that we can catch up: I never get to hear how your teaching is going after all that flurry at the start" and see if she takes the hint. Delicate, isn't it!

Blu - thanks for your wise advice. Just to let you know that I have suggested a night out with sil, but as she is busier (still has a social life, not being a Mum!) have asked her to set a date. We've also asked her to be dd's godmother this week and she is thrilled. So...we'll see!