Over the past few years I've realised that I have some issues which (put together) you would expect to see in someone who had suffered some kind of abuse. These include extreme fear of the dentist for no logical reason ( and this describes me to a T
However, I was confused because as far as I know I have never been abused. But I have been thinking, and certain things do come into my mind, which I didn't think affected me that much at the time.
When I was a child, I spent a lot of time with my best friend and her brother, who was a couple of years older. He was quite aggressive and picked on me a lot, including physical violence. I also remember me and my friend being in his room and him getting us to show him parts of our bodies and also play with his penis. Neither of us were very happy about it, but didn't talk about it afterwards. Is this normal experimenting or something else? We were about 11 and he was about 14.
I worked in an office for a holiday job when I was 19 or so. My boss became slightly obsessed with me and started touching me, trying to kiss me, putting his hands up my skirt. He never did anything really bad, and I tried to say no but was too freaked. He also got annoyed and went cold whenever I tried to say no. Eventually I left. I still have bad dreams about him sometimes.
There was also a teacher at school who seemed to take a 'special interest' in me, and said a fair number of sexual things that may have been a joke or just odd humour but definitely were inappropriate. He also once shut my fingers in a door, which he claimed was an accident but it was right after I'd argued with him about something. (Although it wasn't clear that it was deliberate, my fingers were resting there)
An ex-partner used to be too rough with me, during sex and not, and made me cry. He would also tickle me to the point where I got hysterical and cried.
All these things seem pretty small fry compared to what some people have been through, and I have never considered them to be abuse before. But I need some explanation for why dentists terrify me and a check-up leaves me feeling violated for several days, giving birth was traumatic because of all the people around and feeling powerless (even though it could be described as a 'textbook' birth). I quite frequently have nightmares about being raped, although nothing has ever happened to be that can be described as that. I used to be quite scared about sex and hate the idea of it, but being with DH has made that better.
Does anyone have any insight? Feel free to tell me that those things, though unpleasant, were not abusive. I just want an honest opinion.
thanks