Do I have a lifetime of unhappiness in store for the sake of the kids happiness???

[amijee]

I honestly can't believe I'm posting on christmas eve night but I just feel very alone and unhappy right now.

I have 3 kids under the age of 5 and am due to go back to work in 2 weeks after maternity leave. Things have been tough between DH and I for the last 6 months ( since I had dd3) but I thought we were turning a corner in the last 2 months.

In fact, I just had my head in the sand and was too busy looking after my DCs. The fact of the matter is - I am deeply unhappy in the relationship. He is not abusive, he is a good person but we are just so different in personality. I'm sorry to say the reason we got together and had kids so quickly is my fertility clock chiming ( not just ticking) and I feel terribly guilty for my desire to have kids to come before my desire for a healthy, stable relationship.

I would have left him a couple of years ago if there were no kids ( last pregnancy was accident - very traumatic) but what is keeping me here is the fact that he is a good dad and the kids adore him. And my kids are my world at the moment and I couldn't do anything to hurt them.

So - I'm sat here posting on mumsnet the night before christmas when DH and I should be having a cosy meal or sex or something like that instead of having yet another arguement because we have had a meal together after the kids are in bed. Seems to be a pattern here - every time we sit and have a meal together - we end up in conflict rather than more intimate.

Since the birth of my dd3 6 months ago, we have only had sex 3 times. Neither of us has any energy or inclination. I used to be such a party animal before I had kids and had lots of boyfriends before I met him, so I feel about 20 years older in the space of 5 years.

I don't really know why I am writing all this - except I know that other people may be in similar situations.

I know I am putting my kids happiness before my own...but who wouldn't when you have such precious little babies who want both their parents to be around?

Christmas is a very difficult time of year, don't underestimate that. And you've put yourself through a lot having three children so close together - you must both be understandably shattered and miles from the people you used to be.

Take a breath. You don't need to decide anything now. You have a huge amount of stress to deal with, don't beat yourself up for not living the 'perfect' life. Keep posting, you are not alone.

Amijee, life with lots of small children is hard and quite understandably Dp comes at the bottom of a long list of other jobs.
Please don't give yourself a hard time if you got on well enough to have babies you can probably get thet back again.
It takes at least a year to get over each pregnancy and small baby shock.
Try and have a good Christmas and give yourself and your Dp a break if you can.
All my female friends with small children admit to having moments of looking at thier other half a wondering what happened am sure the blokes do too at times. xx

What is it about sitting down to eat together that makes you both fight?

You must both be unhappy; I'm sure it's not just you. And both of you have a lot invested in the relationship working.

This doesn't sound unsalvageable? Would there be any mileage in getting to Relate after Christmas?

Agree that counselling would be a good starting point. It may also help to think about the reality of what would happen if you split. You would actually have less time with the precious children you wanted so much, because he'd probably have them a few nights a week.

What made you choose him as a partner? You say the fertility clock was ticking, but there must have been some attraction, some reason why you wanted him to be your partner and fellow parent?

thanks to everyone for taking the time to answer on chistmas eve.

I agree - 3 small kids is a massive strain and I have always breast fed for a year and go to work full time in a stressful job.

I think I overlooked a lot of his traits when we got together as I was so keen to settle down at my age ( I am now 45)

I think I have lost a lot of respect for him as he drinks a lot ( not dependant or anything like that - just more than he should) He also quit smoking when we first got together as I told him I didn't want to have a long term relationship with a smoker. And now, at the age of 53, he is a smoker again and I feel he has gone back on his word and is very weak. Both his parents died of smoking related illnesses and I feel it is very selfish of him to not put his own young kids before his vices.

I think those two points are the fundamentals of why I have a lot of simmering resentment towards him as well as the fact that he is terribly sarcastic about absolutely everything and any sort of discussion is immensely frustrating.

I am all too aware I have my faults - a big one is being controlling as I have high standards and am a perfectionist and i'm sure this must rub him up the wrong way.

I had a time where I was putting the kids/DH's happiness before mine and accepted that one person being unhappy some of the time was better than 4 people being unhappy more of the time.

I wasn't staying for the kids in that I was unhappily married. I was just messed up in my head.

I have come through it mostly now.

My advice would be to talk to your husband. Tell him you feel he doesn't seem very happy at the moment and is there anything he wants to talk about.

We have 3 children too and it is bloody hard work when you are knackered and the only time you have alone, you are asleep!

Good luck.