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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My posts keep going awol

17 replies

BreakFree · 24/12/2010 21:49

Backround is dp is abusive emotionally verbally physically ie threatening intimidating during extreme anger. Goes through periods of being nice but only if he's after something eg.sex.
Last night I went upstairs to go to the toilet as our pipes are all frozen so I needed to fill a cistern to go and figured I would get dressed for bed while I was there. In the meantime. DS woke up complaining of a pain in his tummy. So I went down to get him a drink of water. As I Walked into the kitchen I actually caught him mouthing loudly about me in a derogatory fashion. His tone was one of disgust. When I asked him what he had said he said "you heard what I said" I said "no I haven't heard you, what did you say" and he launched into a tirade about how miserable I am. And not "oh you're miserable" in a sympathetic way more in a you disgust me with how miserable faced you are. I just said to him that I was not mserable enough that i didnt leave the radiator off in the spare room and walked away.
Well he followed a minute later ranting and i automatically regretted saying anythign but of course thats what he wants all the time isnt it. So when he got to my room he fired the pillow at me in the bed. not realising that my ds was in the bed with me and so he got hit with a pillow and started to cry. I kept shouting at him to get out and all he could rant was that he didn't know ds was there and now im trying to make out like he did. I didnt care either way, the fact that he threw the pillow AT me was enough. So he did sleep in the spare room in the end. Today I got told via email that my ignorance would be the death of me and that I am the abusive one that never stops bitching at him etc etc.

I am [hmmm] here because my new years wish is that he would just disappear.
I find myself daydreaming about my dream man and my dream situation for me and my children a lot I'm just hoping the new year brings me closer to that.

OP posts:
LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 25/12/2010 01:19

So what is stopping you getting rid of him?

BreakFree · 25/12/2010 11:26

He refuses to leave. Then keeps trying to then pretend nothing has happened every time. I told him last night it was over. He still tried to kiss me today and already has tried to get me to "go upstairs" I refused and restated what I said but at the same time its Christmas Day and I am wary of starting any thing in front of the kids as he has already started this morning.Also its not simple to just leave. Its my house.My kids house!

OP posts:
LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 25/12/2010 21:23

What do you mean 'started'? Verbal or more?

Get through today if you have to, for your DC, but ultimately you have to tell him to leave and if he doesn't go, call the police.

Keep that email, it sounds like a threat to me.

deludedfool · 26/12/2010 09:33

How are you today, Breakfree?

BreakFree · 26/12/2010 09:42

Ah every time I try to post a message it tells me it posts but then its not there. I hope this one works.
Well yesterday was a bit of a nightmare really although I muddled through. He just does not get the message. He tried numerous times to try it on with me as I said. Ashamedly I relented yesterday morning because I didn't want him kicking off in front of the kids so embarrassingly I let him have s with me. He knew I didn't want to as I said so but he kept on at me until I did. I just lay there staring at the ceiling wondering why the hell I'm not stronger than this. I am so weak Sad He spent the day swinging from questioning me as to why I wouldn't try anymore that he still loved me to telling me he was going to bed because he couldnt stand to be in the house pretending to be a happy family and how cold hearted I was for dumping him on Christmas Day. I didn't dump him Christmas day I have been trying to get him to leave for months. He just badgers me into relenting to s all the time because I don't want him starting on me verbally in front of the kids which he does a lot.
He slept in the spare room last night without question but I dread today as I know he will start the questioning to try again again.
I don't want to try anything. I want him to leave. He has sent me emails where he actually states that I am the abusive one. I know this is untrue but I am just galled by how deluded he is.
I just want him to leave but now I think I will have to just pack up all our things and leave my own house. I pay the rent and he thinks he is entitled to live here because his name is on the lease and he signed up for this family =his own words. I am feeling so stressed out I just want to run away as far as I can just to be on my own for a while.

How do I get through this? Please help me be strong Sad

OP posts:
deludedfool · 26/12/2010 10:00

You are a step ahead of me. You seem to have made up your mind you want this relationship to end? Emails/tests/proclamations - that you are the abusive one (have experience of this);it is hard if this goes on for long enough for you to not believe that you are too (my case, as you end up reacting so badly to the treatment you are given in the first place). Can you get legal advice (free half hour) or CAB when they are all open again? Are you married?Is sex to try to win you over with him not accepting it's over, or is it just about control, do you think? How is your eldest child doing?

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 26/12/2010 10:04

Please contact Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/. They will be able to advise you on how best to improve your situation.

BreakFree · 26/12/2010 10:39

The S thing is him not accepting its over and I suppose feeling he's entitled to it so prob a control thing.He kept at me . Feeling me up and I could see that if I said no again that the rest of the day would have been excruciating for the kids and me with the rant he would go into. Like a tantrum. I just relented for peace sake and felt disgustsed with myself afterward. Not married. I do want it to end. I've wanted out for a long time. I am exhausted by it and I know I deserve happiness which I am not getting. My DCs deserve peace and my head is such a mess right now I am using sleepers to help me sleep at night and I am so anxious and worried all the time about the hope of getting him to go. He feels entitled to me. He thinks he owns me and the kids.
Thank you for the link Jingle.

OP posts:
deludedfool · 26/12/2010 10:45

Take action to end this in 2011; you can have a happier life for you and your dc.Smile

deludedfool · 26/12/2010 12:01

There will come a time when you will not see having sex as 'keeping the peace' because you will feel so resentful towards him, and it will click in your head that you do not feel nice after sex and close with him, that it is not warm, loving sex, but functional, with no real connection. (sorry, just my experience).

deludedfool · 26/12/2010 12:03

And it leaves you feeling pretty humiliated and used.

deludedfool · 26/12/2010 12:15

Why does he refuse to go exactly? Is it because it is his house too? Or is it him saying he does not want you two to split and the family to split?

deludedfool · 26/12/2010 13:31

You are stronger than you think. You sound like you know your own mind. Compared to me (someone who just didn't know when to give up and kept trying and trying, even with faced with constant negativity), you are in a good place (mentally) to change your future and not be ground down by a disrespectful relationship, which is what happens.

BreakFree · 26/12/2010 14:35

Yeah del, (cant call you deluded thats not right lol) sex already feels like that.functional..no connection and I do feel used. He refuses to go because he does not want to split with me. He also says he is entitled to stay purely because I "made him move in with me" which obviously I didn't it was a mutual decision (stupid) a few years ago.
I am trying so hard to be patient and not lose the rag with him when he starts ranting about me being the abusive one and not him but its very frustrating. Eggshells.

OP posts:
deludedfool · 26/12/2010 14:42

Eggshells too the whole time. Divorce now. I have lost my rag in frustration too many times.

deludedfool · 26/12/2010 14:44

And then you think, hang on, he wants sex but he ignores me most of the time.Blush

BreakFree · 29/12/2010 11:16

Well its now 3days later and we haven't really spoken. I went to a friends house last night for a few drinks. Was great and I got to vent a bit while over there. Thing is that when I got back would you believe the ignorant asshole actually tried to come onto me AGAIN. I backed away and said that we were finished and to stop approaching me. So he then decided to ask me to marry him Hmm Shock What the hell! I said no obviously. Seems he still hasn't got the msg. He went off in a huff mouthing on about "good job I have no ring" Hmm Idiot. I went to bed soon after. He was already gone to spare room. I got woken by him this morning at 7.30am to get up with the kids because he was exhausted having had no sleep because of the "stupid bed" he had to sleep in. I just wish he would go but I think he thinks the longer he stays here the more he will be able to get back into my head and tempt me into staying with him again. Though I was pretty drunk last night and he didn't phase me at all and I quite firmly and calmly said no to his advances.
Tosser/

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