I've made a decision, I just need a bit of vailidification (sp!?)

[notevenachristmousie]

I have been with "DP" for 18 months.

Initially things were amazing, I took every babysitting opportunity I could afford for us to spend time together, and made time away from DC, and we introduced our DC a year ago. He has an 8yo DS, me a 4yo DD (now).

Then for me things got tough. My DD was abused by her father's new partner (lots of police and medics, ending in random if at all contact and effectively I am a totally single mum). I was depressed and had 3 weeks off work after this, mostly through the I-should-have-protected-her guilt. N oe fairly ok but very self-doubting.
My mum is terminally ill though still not too bad all things considered. My relationship with her is really difficult though and has been for years. (Suspect I will need a really good counsellor once she is gone).

Recently I stopped drinking because I had been drinking to dangerous levels. (It wasn't an easy realisation). He was supportive.

His DS has seen a community paed and psych for siginifcant home and school behavioural issues and I have tried to listen, support, allow, and let things go that have happened to my DD when she can rationlise them.

So, the recent months (these things have been reiterated when we have talked).
He's not interested in my DD full time.
He doesn't feel about me how he did in the beginning.
He isn't sure what will change.
He doesn't (though he flatters me) know how I do what I do.
He might change his mind.
He uses his free time as his own, as his ex had an affair, so it is all her fault that he isn't with his DS and therefore has time to himself.

Tonight, I said no.
All or nothing. I can't live like this and like me. I feel like he is pushing me away til I get to say, "it's over" so it isn't his fault. I also think that because I drank too in tha past he'll be able to feel it's my fault.

However his family have been great to me.

I am going to bed knowing my DD has a birthday tomorrow and I love her more than anything ever!!!! And this will turn out how it will and we'll be fine. Am I thinking all wrong? Any advice that tells me something I need to hear is really welcome.

Typos galore, I'm really sorry! including in the title .

Doesn't matter whose 'fault' it is seen to be. If this relationship is not what you want, you are right to get out.

He does not sound committed to you. Sorry you've had such a tough time.

Sweetheart, it just doesn't sound right at the moment. You have done the right thing, and although it's incredibly hard you must stick to it. It's actually a really good thing to have done, even though it feels like shit, because it's the right thing for you and your DD.

I've been in relationships like this and said 'all or nothing' and sometimes they do take some time to think about it and then come back. Sometimes they don't. But stay strong and put you and DD first, that's what matters.

If he's not committed to your DD, he's not the one for you, is he?

I think you were right to say it's "all or nothing" - why should you settle for less?

I don't think you need this validated as you already seem to have figured it out.

Hope you are feeling ok today?

I agree that you have made a sensible decision.

It sounds as though you both have complex and very difficult personal situations, which would be enough of a challenge anyway; and with him admitting that his feelings have changed, and won't commit, it seems a good decision to draw a line under it. You know where you stand and can now move forward

i agree. don't leave the choice up to him. he isn't right for you so you call time on it. tell him he isn't the right person for you and you are ending it. so what if he blames you. that is clearly his issue that he can't see that a relationship is a two way thing.

validation ?

Also he is obviously a tosser chancer.

How dare he belittle your little girl? Which is what he has done. Loser. He sounds jealous. And unkind. And bitter.

Move onwards and upwards. Leave him in the gutter and well done for being such a loving great mother.