frigid and miserable

[rabbitinahat]

Gosh I hope you have some advice! I have been with my DP for 10 years. We haven't ever really clicked with our sex life if I'm honest, he had issues keeping it up at the beginning (had fancied me for ages, was all rather stressful for him!) which in time made me a bit stressed. Then in my 20s I realised I might have been sexually abused - nothing too serious, but still 'something' - by my stepdad, who had died in a car crash some 10 years earlier. I don't know why I only realised it in my 20s. I got depressed, went to counselling for a bit but an overstretched NHS meant sessions were sparse and ultimately unhelpful so I dropped out. Since then I have practically stopped wanting any sex and it is making me so sad. I have a DS who was an unplanned miracle and since getting pg and during his first year we have gotton down to it once! I do feel up for it sometimes, but am so shy for some reason I can't say anything. I want to! But I can't. I don't feel ashamed to want it, but do feel like it is slutty to have sex. Like it should be for procreation and nothing else. Like it is for other people, but not for me.

That is where I am at really. I would love to know what you think about this. Is the 'abuse' (was it abuse I don't know. He lay on top of me once when I was 10 and had baths with me when I was 7ish - is this weird? I don't remember a lot) part of my feelings? Am I just frigid, do I just need to bite the bullet? When I do have sex I like it... so why do I never want it?
bah.

Oh poor you.

I don't really think anyone on MN is qualfied to help- you need sexual psychotherapy.

Having said that, it is quite likely that your earlier experiences have made you feel about sex this way.

I suppose what you need to talk over is was your stepdad "play fighting" with the things he did- or was it more serious? The bath thing is weird- are you an only child, and did he do this with any other children?

I had an uncle whose behaviour bordered on abuse- but I was older than you and talked it over with my friends at the time. he would bear hug me far too tightly ( at 16), tickle me ( under my jumper) and once put his hand on my knee all the way home whenhe was driving me back to my parents. It was never abuse as such to tell my mum ( her brother) but I felt very uncomfortable and found out after he died ( young) that hehad had 2 affairs running at the same time as being married.

None of this affected my sex life, but I was older and saw it for what it was.

I think you need to go back to your GP, be brutally honest about how you feel and ask for sexual psychotherapy. If they refuse or have no cash, then try to pay for it yourself.

Just wanted to say that Relate do sex therapy too - not sure if that is an option for you. ALternatively look for a private counsellor. I was abused as a child and it wont go away. You need to talk it through and understand that it wasn't your fault and that enjoying sex now is not a crime

Please don't get into a state about whether the stuff with your stepfather was abuse or not. You felt weird about it, therefore it was weird. Contemporary definitions of child sexual abuse are broad & flexible for just this reason.

I don't think anyone can give you the right assistance on a forum thread. There is no such thing as "frigid" so you would benefit from psychosexual counselling. There may also be some problems with the way your relationship works, which can also be addressed in counselling.

I do wish you well with this.

So the situation is that your DH has given up trying to initiate sex and you don't know how to? Could you try sending him dirty text messages so he knows you're interested?

QS I think you are totally missing the point.

How old are you BTW?

www.basrt.org.uk/

I think there are obviously no easy answers to this as there are issues connected to sex. I have many issues connected to sex too and have only had sex once with my DH since the conception of our DD who is now 8 months.

A few days ago I just went for it. I felt shy, awkward and not really that into it but I was so fed up of it being an issue between us. My DH was really pleased and so I too felt a whole heap of stress gone. I do think in my case it was the right thing to just get on with it.

Could you have some evening massages with each other? Just something simple and nice. Might get you both re-connected.

I am waiting for councelling and think that maybe it would be good for you too.