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Relationships

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Original poster

Another thrread about a friend who has dumped me...

19 replies

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 12:28

Just want a bit "there, there" really.

I had a friend who I'd known for about 10 years- we met on a course. Big age gap- almost 20 years- me older- so our conversations were very much limited to work stuff and sometimes her relationships.

At one point last year I admit I became overly demanding and a bit needy- often calling her a bit too often to discuss work options- we both freelance and work from home.

well, she made her feeling plain in a very emotional email, saying she couldn't cope with the amount of contact- by phone or email, due to her chronic illness , and would I back off. I was rather shocked, as she had obviously let this simmer for ages before suddenly saying how she felt.

I felt awful as I had no idea really. I sent her a card saying sorry and no problem, and I admitted I overstepped the mark. I have not contacted her since but decided to send her a Xmas card to show no hard feelings.

She has not sent one back (yet) so guess that's it. Just feel a bit rejected really. we were never really close friends, but I amleft thinking there is bad feeling and it's not unlikely that I could bump into her in town.

OP posts:

TheMonster · 23/12/2010 12:30

Good on her for letting you know, otherwise you could have been left wondering what you had done wrong. It was nice of you to send a card but try not to dwell on it.

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 23/12/2010 12:49

I think it was very decent of you to send the christmas card PP.

I have some insight into how your friend may be feeling. I was the life and soul of the party, and my house was always full of friends, people were fed and wined whenever they appeared. I loved it. Then, after a serious f-up at hospital, i was left with two chronic health conditions and take 14 pills a day. my life has changed beyond all recognition, I actually mourned my old life for a year, said goodbye to the old me. I had some counselling and the therapist was great, he said no one can get the old them back, time marches on leaving the old behind. I now have to prioritise tasks and nights out are way, way down the list, as are long phone calls with pals. I can't hold the phone for long, its that stupid!

Have had an email from two friends wondering if they have done something to upset me and the truth is, they have no idea how ill I am, despite me telling them and taking the time to explain. Because I don't look ill, with broken bones, they pay lip service but still expect me to function exactly as I did before. So, rather than constantly hear myself go over the details of my crap health, it becomes easier to withdraw and keep contact to a mimimum. If they are hurt, I am sorry but my daily life is too important to knock myself out keeping the friendship going and the nights out etc. I have a son and a dh to prioritise.

What I mean is, she may be much worse than you realise and it really is hard to keep up with friends, so don't take it personallly purple, but I know it hurts. x

Original poster

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 13:01

perfuned- thanks for sharing. it sounds a very similar situation.
I suppose I am hurt as I feel I have tried to make amends by sending first a "sorry" card and now a Xmas card but she is not replying. maybe she thinks it would give the green light for a repetition of the previous behaviour- no way!

I also continue to put work her way if I can't cope with it or not my line, by passing on her details- not sure if she realises that.

I hope you see some improvement in your own health P.

OP posts:

EWeatherwax · 23/12/2010 13:35

purplepeony - you sound a sweetie but 2 cards is enough, and the ''I also continue to put work her way if I can't cope with it or not my line, by passing on her details- not sure if she realises that.'' is a still a bit needy ie Just do it because she was good friend - not because you ''want her to know or ''realise'' - if its ment to be she'll come back to you when she is ready.

Original poster

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 13:37

I don't really want her to acknowledge the work stuff- it just shows me that there are no hard feelings, and I suppose I thought if she knew she would know that too IYSWIM.

OP posts:

EWeatherwax · 23/12/2010 13:46

Yes I can see that as I said you do sound like a sweetie - but can also see an undercurrent in it as well - as in you want her to acknowledge you generally - which I can totally understand.

I just think that you need to back totally off and let her make any move.

Original poster

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 13:48

sure- I haven't contacted her for almost 9 months and shan't.

OP posts:

EWeatherwax · 23/12/2010 14:02

Sorry I dint realise it was 9 moths you said the summer - so though it was only a few months

Original poster

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 14:05

that's ok- I didn't say summer- I said she let it simmer. This happened early start of this year- almost last year if you read the OP- it's almost 2011 I keep reminding myself! thanks for the comments anyway.

OP posts:

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 23/12/2010 14:11

I do think it's a bit strange the way she sent the email, you complied and yet she still has no contact with you. After all, you were friends for ten years, it's a long time. I know you were needy last year but that's not a crime, friends can usually absorb this.

Thing is, if her health is chronic, it could very likely have worsened and day to day things are a big enough hurdle. But even with that, a text or christmas card would be easy enough. I was defriended on the dreaded facebook by a friend I have known for ten years, he was at my weddding! Havn't the foggiest idea why but I am over it, if he has his reasons, I respect that. Some people just come into our lives for a season, a reason and then are gone.

Earlybird · 23/12/2010 14:20

Do you have any mutual friends? Could you check with them to see if she is OK?

It may be that she left it so long to say something, that once she did, the friendship was beyond repair (in her mind). Or, it may be that something is going on in her life that is causing her to focus elsewhere. It is impossible to know when you are not in contact.

By the way, i don't think you sound needy by sending work her way and wondering if she knows you are the source. You are doing a favour for a friend, and favours are usually acknowledged.

In your shoes, I'd continue to refer projects to her when/if you think she is the best person for the job. But would also refer jobs elsewhere too. Not for reasons of spite/being hurt, but just because it is probably wise/savvy to build up business relationships with others in your profession.

Original poster

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 14:45

Thanks. we do have mutual friends but she is also a FB friend so I konw she is okay as far as her wall etc shows- she is out and about.

What is also a bit hurtful is that her parents have disowned me too- they used to send me a Xmas card and haven't- I am actually nearer their age than hers!

I'm not losing sleep over this- I just thought she would sned a card - there is still time- and it seems to show a bit of mean spirit which isn't her- or what I thought was her.

We didn't have that much in common except work, so I am not missing much, I just feel a bit sad that she seems to bear a grudge- but I'll get over it!!!

OP posts:

Earlybird · 23/12/2010 15:13

Well, it may be that the 'rift' and subsequent time apart simply highlighted just how little you have in common.

I also think this could end up being a valuable life lesson for you about future friendships - though it certainly is not a happy thing to learn.

Fwiw - I wouldn't read much into the fact you haven't got a card from her. I didn't get 'round to sending cards this year - and maybe she is as behind/disorganised as me!

duvetdays · 23/12/2010 23:22

Just a thought - a big age gap sometimes might involve a younger person 'looking up to' an older person. If so, and without realising this on either of your parts, she might have put you on a pedestal, so when you became emotionally 'needy' for a while, this overturned her idea of who she thought you were. A chronic illness to compound the situation, and the reaction can become explosive. Sounds as though you've been shocked too. Be kind to yourself and don't spend time waiting for her to be in contact with you. Concentrate on your existing friends.

MyBrilliantCareer · 24/12/2010 00:51

I had a very similar situation last year - it hurts!! She couldn't deal with my neediness (I had a crap time of it last year) and we had a sudden row and she made it clear she never wanted to see me again.

With hindsight I know she had a lot going on for her as well. I was the third person she'd dumped in a year.

Just saying that maybe it wasn't all about you.

Original poster

purplepeony · 24/12/2010 09:27

Thanks both of you above!
I do know that she has "had" to do this cutting-off thing with other people who became too demanding.

I also think that we didn't have that much in common except work and we were not that close. There was always stuff I didn't tell her becasue I thought she was too young to understand, so maybe it's for the best.

My really close friends simply tell me if they are too busy/too tired to listen and tell me to call back another day! I don't take offence and understand.

I think the point about me being older etc is valid.

I'm not that bothered, just upset at the lack of a xmas card which seems to say she has dismnissed me completely.

OP posts:

coffeeinbed · 24/12/2010 21:48

I've done that.
I had a dear friend and then she got a bit too needy and this and that, and I still love her dearly, but...
I need my space, I wish I could be fun and sharing and caring and all that, but I can't.
She's older, as well.
I didn't send a card either.
I just can't face it.
It's not her, it's me.

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 24/12/2010 23:10

It happened to me 17 years ago. I had a toddler and a baby and moved to a city where one of my oldest friends from Uni was living. She was married to one of my friends I introduced her to. She had DC of the same age and sex.

I was so thrilled I would be able to see her again. I went to lunch and it was lovely, then I invited her back (thirty minutes away).

She wrote and said she had just accepted a full time job and with work and family commitments she would not have time for friends as well. Also her mum had a serious cancer.

I was devastated. I would have loved to support her more at the time. I have kept sending her Christmas cards but hers have stopped.

I never got to the bottom of it and it still upsets me that I must have been a crap friend.

PP I think it probably is her not you. I always think you sound fun to know!

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 26/12/2010 10:15

perhaps she feels that if she responds at all, you will take that as an invitation to make further contact and she wants to ensure that you do not?

Trying to look from her pov - she obviously felt strongly about it to email you and tell you that you were just too needy and please back off. Maybe she has misinterpreted your cards as you trying to get back into her life?

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