DS is getting into girls but the way he goes about it ...

[RawDEal]

DS is 12 and I think he's been "getting into" girls for the past 6 months or so. When he left primary he developed a crush on a girl in his class. They went to cinema together but that was it. He began texting her, facebooking her etc and as soon as she started secondary school she got a real boyfriend and poor DS ended up been asked for advice on her new "relationship" as a "mate". He gave advice gladly but kept "harrassing" her (in the guise of asking if she needed more advice every 5 minutes etc) and she ended up blanking him.

Now he's at secondary school and he's developed a crush on a girl that doesn't even go to his school. She's from a nearby comp and the same thing is happening. She gives him the wrong impression giving him her phone number, writing on facebook about how briliant he is and then turns around and asks him for advice on her boyfriend!!! Again he gladly gives hours of advice (I think he's just glad to be able to talk to her) but the stuff he's saying, I'm worried that he's goig to end up getting beaten up by the boyfriend, especially if this continues to happen as they get older.

DS is not a popular ladies man type lad, he's a little nerdy, unorthodox, in touch with feminine side - he's always going to be one of those lads that girls see as their best friend, not boyfriend iyswim.

Do I just leave him to it and let him learn or what? I've tried talking but he ignores me.

I'd say leave him to it for the time being. Maybe let him know that you're there for him if he needs to talk about anything, but he's at an age now where he's trying to develop his own identity and he's unlikely to take your advice. He needs to make his own mistakes, and while it is hard to stand back and see him get hurt it's unfortunately all part of growing up and he will hopefully learn from it. Just be there for him if he needs a shoulder to cry on or some advice but don't wade in as he will see that as interfering.

You are not doing him any favours by pigeon-holing him as 'a little nerdy, unorthodox, in touch with feminine side - he's always going to be one of those lads that girls see as their best friend, not boyfriend iyswim'- he will meet someone perfect for him one day- but not at 12 years old when he's hardly begun puberty!

Personally I would be discouraging such intense 'one on one' friendships and him spending hours giving girls advice and be encourgaing him to be with his mates more as a group.

Are you worried he will get hurt? Isn't that part of the pain of growing up? You can't shield him from having his feelings hurt or from girls being unkind to him if they don't reciprocate his crush.
It is hard and it triggers echoes of pain from our own youth doesn't it?

I think I have the opposite problem with my DS. He is witty and popular and good with girls having two big sisters (washes every day!) But he has never to my knowledge had his emotions engaged by the girls who "friend" him and announce he is their "boyfriend".

It seems to involve swapping a bar of chocolate or a bracelet and a trip to the pictures, but then he remembers his mates and the football and neglects the poor girl. I think he is going to hurt other people more.

RawDeal: I signed into MumsNet just to respond to this!

Firstly, indeed, you're pidgeonholing him as unsuccessful with women.

Being seen as attractive is a huge part of anyone's life, there's no reason why you shouldn't want the best for him in this regard, giving up on him won't help, especially when he's only 12!

Secondly, you're son is in what's called 'the friend zone'. Ie, the place a boy doesn't want to be when approaching girls.

He can already make friends with girls, which is great and proves he's trustworthy. What he's probably not doing is pushing it into the romantic stage. When you're young, the difference could be as simple as touching a girl a little on her arm to emphasize something when he talks to her. Touching her somewhere innocuous like an arm or hand gets her comfortable with being touched by him. This means a kiss doesn't come out of the blue.
That's probably the one thing I'd say to make your son happier and avoid friend zoned heartbreak.

Even if your son doesn't want to talk about things with you (and I'd be the same with my mum) there's advice for 'friend zoned' boys on the internet, most of which is sensible.