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Relationships

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Am I just really very naive about this dating lark?

9 replies

Bouncingback · 22/12/2010 23:08

I met someone on the internet and saw him for a couple of months. He was very keen, introduced me to all his friends and wanted us to be exclusive. Had keys cut for his place and gave them to me with heart shaped key ring, very complimentary etc. and basically made a huge effort.

He was separated for a year, his wife had an affair with someone else but he maintained that the marriage had been dead for years and although he had a few scars was happy to move on in his life. He had been to counselling and said that he was at point where he wanted to move on.

He had been on dating sites for a while and had a lot of dates, but seemingly I was the first person that he had clicked with, same sense of humour, shared interests etc. and the first that he had got past the first couple of dates with.

We were supposed to see each other one night but he was unable to make it, I said it was ok no problem....then after normally hearing from him every day, nothing for two days until a text came through full of apologies and saying that he had had a huge bust up with his wife over children that had really upset him, he was going away for a few days to clear his head and would call when he got back. I understood all of that and responded that I hoped he would be ok and would speak when he got back.

I never heard anything again from him and a couple of weeks later saw his active profile on a different dating site.

So this is the back ground, but my question is why on earth did he spin me such a lie and just not be honest and was I a complete mug???

I did send him a friendly text to ask how he was but never got anything back.

P.S. and male MN's perspective would be great

OP posts:
blackcoffee · 22/12/2010 23:11

I'd never date a 'separated' man again

BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 22/12/2010 23:15

A couple of months and he gave you a key? Shock

TBH it sounds like he was not in a good place to be dating at all. Maybe he didn't realise that himself (sounds like he still doesn't, TBH, if he's dating again) and then felt awkward and didn't know how to explain, so he just disappeared.

It's shitty but I think it's more to do with him not knowing how to handle things than anything more sinister. It sounds almost like he went to the counselling and thought "Right, that's it, I'm better now, I need to get myself a new relationship" without actually sitting down and realising that these things take time.

I don't think you were a mug, I just think he was insecure (although maybe you should have had alarm bells ringing at the key by 2 months thing! Someone rushing to get serious very quickly is often a bad sign.)

BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 22/12/2010 23:16

That's not a criticism though BTW - in my past paragraph - just something to be aware of for the future.

BerryinClover · 22/12/2010 23:21

Has he got keys to your place? If so, I would get them back asap.

Bouncingback · 22/12/2010 23:22

In all honesty I did have alarm bells ringing which is why I was trying to take things slowly, but he was such a 'straight-talking' bloke I just don't get this going off radar thing instead of having the 'conversation'

OP posts:
BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 22/12/2010 23:28

Hmm. So he was straight talking and then suddenly not? Do you think something else happened which he didn't want to tell you about? Did he meet someone else/have a reconciliation with his wife or something?

Or perhaps he wasn't really that straight talking to begin with and it was more of an act - you say he made a "huge effort" and that makes me think that he was nervous, so unlikely to want to reveal the "real" him. If you're relaxed and easy with someone it's not that much of an effort to compliment them etc, surely?

GraceAwayInAManger · 22/12/2010 23:30

I'm thinking back to when I started dating. The boys who were madly in love, but melted away when I wouldn't put out ... The boy who had to cancel for Saturday due to a sports fixture, then my friend told me he'd been out with someone else ... The ones I got all dressed up to meet by the town clock, but left me standing like a lemon & trying not to cry ...

It's dating. You have to roll with the punches.

Bouncingback · 22/12/2010 23:39

It wasn't a personality huge effort, it was more logistic's effort, we lived quite a distant from each other and he would make a big effort to get up to see me, staying in a local hotel (as I have ds's, in such a new relationship I didn't want him staying at mine)and also being very thoughtful about what I would like to do etc. The key thing was a practicality, as due to his early morning shifts, I would need to leave after him.

I really appreciate these honest opinions, because for some buggery reason I just can't fathom this one out.

OP posts:
BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 23/12/2010 00:04

Oh I see, fair enough.

Why do you need to figure it out? Can't you just forget him and move on? It sounds very much like his issue rather than yours.

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