Toxic mother and wedding.

[Tomatefarcie]

My mother can be very nasty. She also excels at gas-lighting.

When we announced our engagement, she simply said "oh what's the point, you'll only be divorced within two years". Then added "I had hoped never to go through that again" (talking about another wedding after my brother's). She then proceeded to tell me what a disaster it would be if my niece's communion fell on the same weekend, did I ask my brother about it, why did I book the date so soon (Dp and I have been together more than 10 years). The list of negative comments is very long.

She also said to me recently "I'm surprised he hasn't dumped you yet".

Anyway, the ceremony is booked, it's going to be a small family thing.

However, my mother has taken zero interest in any of it,she completely ignores the subject even when I mention it. Oh, I'm lying: she did mention it! Only to try and convince me to elope or get married with just our witnesses present.

I really don't want her here. I was quite prepared to elope, but Dp absolutely wants the other nutters mil and fil there. I also would like my dad to give me away. If I took the invitation away, it would split our family, create huge arguments, and she would never speak to me again (despite the fact that I doubt she wants to be there in the first place).

I believe she is also fully capable of ruining my day with her awful comments.

If she doesn't come, I doubt my brother would, nor my Dad and grandma.

So what do I do? Leave things as they are, and grin through her comments? (she still manages to make me cry, I'm 36!) or wait till her next outburst and tell her to fuck off stay home.

Talking to her is useless, she turns things around to blame me for everything, tells me I am far too sensitive, that I take everything the wrong way etc.

I think would have a registry office do and just invite your inlaws and get them to be witnesses and then go away for a very very nice holiday.

Can you afford to get married abroad and for your ILs to come to that?

I dont have much advice to give but just want to offer support. Thank goodness you have a lovely DP, and just try to focus on the smaller details of your day - i.e. your vows, any readings and music etc. I also have family issues (MIL!), and it was by focusing on the point of the day that helped me to enjoy it and not be dragged down by the negativity (MIL was in a huff the whole day). It sounds like it would be best to have your mum there for the sake of having your dad and brother present. Just try to avoid her and block out any horrid remarks- just smile broadly in her face if she says anything and make sure you look glowing! Your partner loves you, you know the truth about your relationship and your mother's remarks are down to her own insecurities and regrets and nothing to do with you.
Have a lovely wedding and bask in the love you and your partner share, and in the meaning and point of your getting married.
I really hope it is memorable for the right reasons :-)

Is there anyone in your family or in DP family that could take her aside and tell her to pack it in if she starts kicking off?

Someone surely ought to be able to tell her to behave or leave.

I would do what CarGirl says. Get married in a registry office, have the in-laws there to witness it (tell them how special they are so that they are nice to you for ever more) and go on honeymoon the same day.

Tell your mother you've decided not to get married. She need never know.

That's normal families, though, LittleMissHoHo.

Elope!

Elope.

Elope, its lovely!

How does your Dad feel about it? Is he pleased for you and positive?

The real problem is that you want your Dad there but not your Mum, isn't it? So you can't just elope / not invite her, because you want him to give you away. Is that right?

Which will make you more sad - having your mum there, or not having your dad/grandma etc there?

Do you have a bunch of nice normal friends and relatives coming? Could you get a few of them on a rota to keep your mum away from you, and make loud positive comments whenever she does a negative one?

You don't have to have your mum in the front row at church or on a top table or anything like that.

By the way, I have known people get married in church with the service said and just 2 witnesses. We had 20 in total, but still just had the service said, so it doesn't have to be a big do, iyswim.

Whichever way you do it you will feel upset. I had similar experiences In The run upto my wedding with my mum . You always get someone moaning, you can't please everyone. It was quite stressful planning but then mum going on made me so exhausted and you had others in family trying to takeover. It made me ill with the stress and took ages to get back to normal afterwards.
If you don't invite your mum you won't have your dad there etc and upset you but if you do invite her then her negativity will wear you down. Either way your going to feel upset. Its difficult isn't it! If you got married abroad just the 2 of you, you might feel a bit betteR because it would be so easy to explain t o everyone . Xx

Merrymarigold, we could afford to get married abroad, but spending more than 2-3 hours with the ils is making my skin crawl. (I'm the poster whose Mil had our dogs put down while we were away, in case you've come across that story).

LittleMissHoHoHofit, there is no one. All my family is French, and hardly speak any English, so Dp's and my family can't communicate. Dp doesn't speak French, so even when I do tell him stuff my mum said, he can't exactly pick up the phone and give her a piece of his mind.

Atswimtwolength, yes, my ils are special...very special...but for all the wrong reasons!

Unfortunately, we can't elope. I have tried and tried to convince Dp, but he refuses categorically not to have his parents there.

Fruitful, yes that's pretty much it. I do have some normal friends coming, but they don't speak French! My only hope is my brother, however he doesn't want to get involved in our "stories". He also downplays everything, and tells me to let things go over my head, which would be lovely if only I could! My Dad doesn't really care either way,he is a typical enabler and would walk me down the aisle naked if it could keep the peace.

Everything is booked now, it's going to be a small do at a registry office, then on for a meal and a few drinks in a country pub.

I'm going to have to have her there really... You'd think that, after say, 30 years of nastiness, I would have learnt to toughen up!

I'd ensure that you set off on honeymoon straight from the meal - tis traditional you know. That's what I did, got changed into my going away outfit and we fled the venue

Tomate, what would happen if you simply said to her Please don't talk to me like that, it's unacceptable.

Does your brother not have to deal with this? Could HE not stand up for you a little?

Do the wedding, as small and as quick as you can get away with, and then go off on the most amazing of all honeymoons.... Please?

Then tbh, you need to tell each set of parents to suit themselves. You have your own problems with your parents, so you can deal with them and tell them off and not to be so rude, or you will cut them off.

If your OH wants to have a life with his parents but you don't then you will have to say that you are not stopping him, but you will back off, for the sake of a quiet life.

You need to start standing up for yourself before DC come along.

You don't have to deal with these people, really you don't.

Tomate

Why do you continue to have or want to have a relationship with this awful woman?. She may be your mother yes but she's no deserving mother to you and she will never be the mother you want her to be. It is okay not to have to seek her approval any more. People from dysfunctional families play roles; am not at all surprised to read that your Dad is the bystander here who acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. All her reactions/comments towards you are typical of such a toxic parent. These people do not play by the normal rules governing familial behaviour so just telling her not to be so rude is a waste of time. I would just cut her off, certainly at the very least bar her number from your phone.

You certainly do need to start reclaiming your own life and certainly before any DC come along.

"If I took the invitation away, it would split our family, create huge arguments, and she would never speak to me again"

Sounds like a very good outcome to me!

That woman is poison, surely everybody knows what she is like and will hardly find her non-presence surprising?

I'm so sorry, I thought the thread had died, but now have found some great and helpful replies had been posted! Sorry sorry sorry.

LittleMiss, my brother doesn't get the same nastiness from her as I do.He is the Blue Eyed Boy,always has been. His children are perfect and always taken as example. Oh you guys mention DCs,we have 3 beautiful girls already (and so has my brother,so you can imagine the constant comparisons I'm subjected to).

And you are right, enough is enough. I have tried talking to her about it all, but she turns it all against me and says I'm far too sensitive,and during our last conversation,told me that I keep on "looking for nits in her hair",which is a French saying meaning that I keep on confronting her over nothing. She completely dismissed my feelings. I have not spoken to her since (beg of Jan).

Quint,you are right, she is poison, always has been. It's just hard to admit when it's your own mother,and especially as she manages to convince me it's all my fault and makes me feel like an unfair evil daughter.

And yes, my Dad is a typical enabler, which is sad to see as she controls him right down to what and how much he eats.

I will need help nearer the wedding, you girls need to kick my butt in case I fall into her web of nastiness again!

Thanks so much for feedback, I'm a div for not having checked this any sooner.

What you do, is just involve her in the actual day as little as possible.. so she's not there when you're getting ready, she's not there before you walk down the aisle etc.. she just arrives at the venue and goes straight to her seat etc, that way she doesn't get a chance to make comments and upset you.

Then you'll be married and happy before you have to engage with her. Don't sit near her for the meal etc, put her at the other end of the table.. I'm not suggesting you ignore her or give her the cold shoulder, just arrange things so that you have as little contact with her on the day as possible (in a subtle manner!). It's a grin and bare it type situation but at least you can minimise the pain somewhat.