Advice needed on coping with MIL

[thinkimgoingtobesick]

I can't stand MIL, even typing this makes me feel nauseous. She basically does absolutely nothing to help us out, despite not working and living very close by. Have two small DC's and no family in the area. DH works long hours and does all he can but we really could do with support and/or babysitting once in a while. Last time DH asked her she refused on the grounds that the spare room was full of stuff for Christmas- this was a week before the night in question. She then phoned me to gloat that we wouldnt be going out ("Oh, what a shame, and it's your anniversary") and then have a go that I never take DCs to visit her and we dont care about her. When I do take DCs, I have to take all their food & drink as she doesnt so much as make me a cuppa whilst I am there- this is no exaggeration. She is essentially a selfish and lazy person, and my FIL and to an extent, DH, allow her to get away with murder for the sake of a quiet life.
There are historic probs too...too long and tedious to go into. But the issue is, I am being forced to spend Christmas Day with her, in my home. It is the first in about 6 years with her, so cant get out of it (bit late now!!). I am not good at hiding my feelings and am getting v.anxious, please please can anyone offer any coping strategies??! So far, all i can think of is to get wasted, but I dont drink much and with 2 small DCs...probably not the way to go. Advice much appreciated!!

Just keep yourself as busy as possible, don't sit down with her and refuse all help (doesn't sound like she would offer anyway!). It's only a day, you'll get through it.

I hate to say it but although it might be difficult for you with two small children, she is not obliged to help at all. It is her loss in the long run if she doesn't get involved with your family and develop close relationships with her grandchildren. Can you find a local teenager to babysit? It's not worth getting resentful about something that is never going to happen.

How are you being forced to spend Christmas day with her?! Seems to me your DH needs to grow a pair and stop pandering to his parents. I wouldn't bother seeing them to be honest - not like they are lovely grandparents to your DCs and you don't like them so frankly no point. I'm not a big believer in 'blood is thicker than water' bollocks as you can tell Life is too short to be brought down by toxic family. I'd cancel them and pronto!

After lunch, go to bed for a couple of hours with a headache. Lie on the bed, read a book or come onto Mumsnet, but don't go down and chat to them.

Thank you for these!
She thinks she is involved, that's the trouble...because she rings every day so she knows what we're doing etc, but in my view not out of concern, just out of nosiness. Have tolerated her out of love for DH but I do feel she is out of order, she has been verbally abusive towards me in the past and was horrible at our wedding.
ProvincialLady - good point re finding someone else. I have good friends, but they are not all close by, and I think we actually annoy her more by hardly asking her. Ultimately a friend travelled up to sit on our anniversary which she didnt like.
Will try to hide in the kitchen as much as poss, just bloody dreading it.

I know how tough it is with 2 in diapers and no meaningful help beyond dh. You must be exhausted. Edit your list down to the essentials and if anyone says anything, they can take up the slack. Don't apologise either.

Try to emotionally detach. Reduce your expectations of her down to zero...then you won't be disappointed/offended.

The upside of her disconnectedness with you is that you will not be obligated to ever help her.

I have a policy to let dh deal with his side of the family and I with mine. Maybe let your dh be the communication liason between the households: if he can't be bothered, then there you go-no connection.

Bummer about Christmas Day, though. Alternate between active fun time with the dc and baking more cookies. Enjoying the little ones is part of enjoyment for you (although I get that sometimes it is hard to see it that way ).

It sounds like mil will just be a decoration on the furniture. Let her be.

thank you again

I am knackered, been struggling with youngest sleeping patterns recently too, so you can imagine. Not a pretty sight!!

re: going for a lie down- i might try that as I am unwell with a chronic illness (nothing long term serious, but awaiting operation and very run down with it) although last time I did that was the last Boxing day we had with them, I was preggers, and she told me i was "ignorant" for leaving people downstairs..she made me cry and that time DH had a go at her.

DH does speak to her daily, I cant bear to speak to her on the phone. He also pops in all the time to see her. I agree that she will lose out in the long term but it's annoying because she gives the impression to everyone her relationship with the kids is close - because DH tells her everything!when i speak to her (rarely) she tries to tell me about my own kids.. lol

She is totally a decoration on the furniture! When she comes here, she parks herself on the couch and literally doesnt move until it's time to go! While us minions fetch her tea and biscuits and the children play at her precious feet...aargh!!

Thank you for your replies - I will try to disconnect, and busy myself till she effs off

STOP IT. Stop making the teas and coffees. If directly asked, say you need the loo, say you need to do stuff and forget. If you are asked directly, even by her, say I'm sorry I am up to my eyes, if she's really gasping and can't wait she knows where the tea and coffee stuff is kept. Then laugh and say we don't stand on ceremony in this house, you are a member of family, you are welcome to help yourself.

Don't answer the phone and say you would rather not go round there.

Get babysitters, isolate this woman, stop allowing her the power.

Tell your DH to shut his mouth and stop blabbing to her about everything, because it's private family stuff and she is not asking to be involved, but to report and pretend to be a part of your lives when actually she is not.

Make this your resolution to stop taking shit from her.

How can you be a matriarch of your own family if you don't take up that position and start laying down the law? Stand up for yourself.

Sorry that doesn't work for us, no, can't make it. We are going out etc etc etc.

fair point!

I am trying to isolate her, there wont be a repeat request for babysitting, i can tell you. Prob is my FIL, who is sweet and kind and suffers for not seeing the kids. They are surgically attached (In-laws, not the kids) and FIL does literally everything for madam, even tho he works 6 days a week in 2 jobs..which explains why she is such a diva.

Just had a convo w/ DH about not telling her about out shit, have had this in the past too. He doesnt get it tbh, he is beyond laid back, just has a very "live and let live" attitude...i.e. you cant change people, just accept it. Which is true, I just dont want to be around stupid, lazy, selfish people.

I do need to grow a pair, when she rang and had a go at me, I stood up for myself, but didnt turn round and tell her what I thought of her appalling behaviour when I had the chance.

Your FIL created this, as lovely as he is, the MIL is his doing, his problem. DH can take the DC round if need be. you don't have to go.

I find the best way to deal with people phoning up to piss me off is to hang up on them.

If they ring back to ask why, I tell them that I will not tolerate being spoken to like that and if they want to hold a conversation with me, then they must be civil.

that made me laugh, i shall do that!
We have caller ID so I generally swerve it, but I might just pick it up next time for the pleasure of hanging up on her...

Yes, she is totally FIL's creation, think he needs to feel needed (corny, but true) and she is utterly dependant on him. But also shouts, bosses him about and generally denigrates him at every opportunity. Dysfunctional, much?!

Feeling less nauseous already. Shall be referring to this thread Christmas morning in preparation... thank you all xxx

Agree with littlemiss.

Re her refusing help etc. Console yourself that one day it may be her needing help.

Yep, don't stand for it.

I do this with 'H' all the time.. as soon as the conversation veers to anything 'off', that's it.

Have to confess if he starts talking bollocks/whining the signal sometimes drops too...

He utterly deserves it btw