Improving relationship with mum

[Seoid]

I've been a regular for a while but I've namechanged for this. I just want to get it off my chest and maybe get some helpful advice, or even hear similar stories that might make me feel a little less sad about the whole thing.

I've read parts of the "Stately Homes" threads so I realise there are a lot worse parents out there than my mum. Really in a lot of ways she is great but there are a few things about our relationship that I'm not happy about and I wonder if there's any way to improve them.

What's triggered this is the fact that my first baby is due in the next few weeks. This upcoming event has given us something to connect and talk about and it's made me realise that I would like more of a relationship with her. At the very least I would like to feel a little bit closer to her than I do.

My mum had a tough childhood which in many ways left her bitter and closed off. She had a lot of brothers and sisters, her family was very poor and her dad was an alcoholic. I don't think he was ever violent but I do get the impression he made life difficult for everyone. I also know that my mother, being one of the eldest, took on a lot of responsibility for the younger children in the family and resented this.

When I was growing up I think my mum had a hard time connecting to me and my two sisters. She was never very affectionate and was obviously very uncomfortable around any strong emotions - she would be the kind of mum to tell you crossly "Don't cry" if something happened. I distinctly remember silently sobbing in the bathroom one night because I had an earache and was afraid to wake her up as I thought she would be angry with me. One time when I was in the dentist's waiting room another mum was gushing over her son and telling him she loved him to calm him down before he went in. I remember my mum turning to me and saying in a sneering way "Do you want me to tell you I love you too?" I was only about 9 at the time and couldn't think of anything to say back. The fact that I remember it shows it had quite an impact on me.

She told me when I was about 12 that I was a "mistake" and that she didn't realise for a long time that she was pregnant with me. Why she told me that I will never know but it brings tears to my eyes just writing it. It was so unnecessary and cruel although I don't think she intended it to be. Another time I remember getting upset because I messed the bed when I hadn't quite got the hang of my very heavy periods and instead of comforting me she just looked at me uncomprehendingly as if she couldn't fathom why I was crying at all. She never made anything of my very considerable achievements, in fact, she booked a holiday which meant she was away when I got my outstanding exam results in secondary school, even though she knew the date I would get them. I thought nothing of it at the time but thinking back it seems like a strange thing to do.

There's more, a lot more but I'd like to hear people's opinions first before I go on as this is quite hard to write. I have tried to get closer to her in the last 10 years or so without much success but now that the baby is coming and she's finally taking an interest in my life I feel I might have another opportunity. What do others think?

Seoid,

re your comment:-

"I've read parts of the "Stately Homes" threads so I realise there are a lot worse parents out there than my mum. Really in a lot of ways she is great but there are a few things about our relationship that I'm not happy about and I wonder if there's any way to improve them".

Do read some more of the Stately homes threads and post there too. You may also want to read the book "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. I suggest that as it could well help you.

This woman is not going to be the caring, concerned mother you want her at heart to be; she is an emotional cold fish. She is like this because her parents treated her the same as she is doing to you now. Such problems can and do become generational.

Many people actually write very similar to you about their own toxic parent to start with; they feel their experience is not as bad as other's peoples. Well let me tell you that it was and it is. This was your childhood, a very precious time and your experience at her hands was crap. This is in NO way your fault this happened to you. You are not to blame for her ills and or poor life choices; she had free will then and continues to have free will. I am angry for you that you got told by your mother that you were a "mistake". You are NOT a mistake!!. Bet you've never gotten angry with her.

You do not mention your Dad in all this, is he still around. What about any siblings, how does she get on with them?. Are they more favoured?.

I realise that your mother grew up with an alcoholic parent (which itself causes a whole load of issues subsequently) but not all people who had such experiences as children would go onto tell their own flesh and blood as adults they were a "mistake". She was very cruel and calculated; it was designed to hurt.

Unfortunately unless your mother actually wants to put in the emotional work herself to sort out her own problems (which is extremely unlikely given what you have written about here) you could be flogging a dead horse and setting yourself up for yet more emotional anguish at her hands. I would not try to establish any sort of relationship with her to be honest, she deserves no contact from you. She sounds completely self absorbed and selfish.

Toxic parents can often turn into toxic grandparents as well; would keep her at arms length and then some for your child's sake. Limit all forms of contact.

What does yoru DH think about her?.

I would also consider counselling for your own self; BACP have a list of counsellors and they do not charge the earth.

Thanks so much for your reply Attila. The reason I say that my mother might not be actually toxic is that I genuinely believe her behaviour stems from emotional immaturity rather than from any true malice on her part. It's almost as if she is paralysed by strong emotion and rather than maturely dealing with it she either dismisses it or ignores it. Down through the years I have often felt like her mother rather than the other way around - I've encouraged her in her work, helped her with emotional issues and protected her feelings when bad things have been happening to me or my sisters. When she said I was a mistake I genuinely believe she didn't realise the impact of what she was saying - she meant to be honest with me and was telling me candidly about her life at the time. It just didn't occur to her that her choice of words was absolutely wrong. (Am I being deluded here?)

In response to your other questions. My dad is still around and is a lovely person but quite detached in his own way. He has his head in the clouds but I do remember receiving a lot of kindness from him as a child. He would be the one to hug you when you're crying or to bring you tea in bed when you're sick. To be honest he has a lot of failings too but I suppose the tenderness he has shown me from time to time makes up for a huge amount.

I have one slightly older and one much younger sister. My older sister is very self-centred and I don't get on well with her. I don't think she was favoured although I do think my parents made more of her achievements as she wasn't as academic as me as they were worried about her feeling inadequate next to me. That meant I sometimes had to endure them praising her for a C on a test while my string of As went unnoticed. There is a big gap between me and my younger sister and we have a great relationship, there's never been any issue there. She is treated like the typical baby of the family (spoiled) but she's an angel and seeing as we never really had to share my mother due to the age difference there was never a problem between us in that regard.

I have tried again and again to get her to soften up without success and I know I'm probably setting myself up for a fall by trying again. I have a lot of sadness about our relationship but no anger and I think she will make a very good grandmother. She doesn't criticise me or put me down (probably because I've always made it clear that I won't stand for it) so that's not an issue. I am fond of her and in a way I feel sorry for her. I feel if I could open her up somehow it would make her happier and our relationship stronger. But I don't know if I'm on a hiding to nothing really.

Bump

I don't think it's down to you to 'open her up'. She is as she is and if she isn't happy about that it's for her to seek change.
I think the baby may be the bridge you need to make the situation evolve naturally.
Give it time.