Really struggling

[malinkey]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this but I normally post in relationships so here goes.

I split up with emotionally abusive H back in July but we are stuck living in the same house until it's sold. A long story but we had to do work on it and it's going on the market in the new year so hopefully it will sell quickly and I can move on with DS.

We are in separate bedrooms thankfully and don't spend too much time together but while superficially I have been coping quite well so far I am beginning to feel like I'm going under. I feel so angry with him I can barely remain civil, I'm not sleeping very well and I just generally feel pretty depressed and close to tears a lot.

I know I've made the right decision but I really wish I could get out of this place and get on with my life.

I imagine what I'm feeling is probably pretty normal after what I've been through and trying to come to terms with everything and with being stuck in this situation for the time being but some days I feel like I'm going bananas and wonder if it's maybe just me.

I don't know what I want really but just wondered if anyone had any advice?

Breakfree, I would say don't ask him for any 'favours'. He will exagerate them forever more.

Malinky, will you be renting after the house is sold? If so, could you move out earlier? Or do you need the house to be sold to get your deposit or apply for council house. Or would he move out?

If you are selling your house, but not sold yet, IME, You can get housing benefit to pay rent. You have to show them you are trying to get money from the house. Have you taken legal advice about financial matters regarding the house?

obviously housing benefit depends how much you earn from work, if you are working.

Thanks a1b2 - yes, I am going to rent when we sell the house.

I would love to but can't afford to move out earlier as have no money for a deposit and have to pay half the mortgage as H can't afford it on his own and I couldn't afford to pay rent as well. And I need to use some of my share of the profit from the sale to clear 'my' debt - basically accumulated from having to pay more than I could afford and H being unreasonable about finances - but that's another story.

He won't move out.

I work part time so probably would be eligible for housing benefit but with the remaining profit from the sale I might be over the savings limit so then might not be eligible? Maybe I should talk to someone at housing benefit to see where I stand.

I did get some basic legal advice from a solicitor but she's based in an affluent area and I think she was used to dealing people with more money so she wasn't very helpful! We are going to split the profits 50/50.

I have to say I'm feeling a lot more positive today and DS and I are going to stay with my mother for christmas so at least I'll get a break for a while. I just wonder sometimes when I'm having a really bad day that I feel so low I don't know if it's just down to my situation or if it's more just a mental/hormonal thing?

Sorry for the mammoth post!

Malinky, I have another story about having to pay more than I can afford, and exh being unreasonable about finances resulting in debt, as well!

I am unsure of what you can do about having to keep paying half the mortgage, maybe someone else will be along who will know more. I did not carry on paying, when I moved out, and he couldn't afford it, but the circumstances may well be different to yours.

With savings between £6,000 and £16,000, you still get HB, but they take off an amount which they assume you will be getting in interest, each week. You need to keep receipts from paying "your" debts.(ones in your name). Then if you show these to HB they should allow that your capital/savings have reduced by that amount. They should also allow you some setting up home costs as well, including any deposit you have to pay to rent a house.It is a good idea to phone about it, and find out the current regulations.

Perhaps you should see another solicitor. To make sure the finances are dealt with fairly. Is the house in both your names? 50% is usually the starting point on splitting profits from house, and often the (usually woman) main carer of the child/children, gets a bigger share. But of course this argument can cost money and cause delays, and you need to hurry things up.

I am glad you and DS can stay with your mother for christmas, so get a break for a while. I think you will find even if feeling low is partly mental/hormonal, when you finally get away you will feel amazingly better! I know I did, (ecstatic) and have heard about others feeling the same. Your situation is horrible, and will get you down. I know, it is very hard. All you can do I suppose, is look to the future, and get on with your life with DS.

a1b2 - thanks for your very informative message and really sorry not to respond sooner but didn't get a chance before I went away for christmas and have had no access to the internet until now

Think I will investigate housing benefit as am desperate to move out and if this means I could do it before we sell up then that would be fantastic.

I am probably foolishly going to try and do it without solicitors and just split things 50/50 - even though I could probably get more I think that if we involve solicitors and go to court we will lose more money than I would gain IYSWIM. I will try and suggest mediation to him and see if there is any way he will try that first.

Also, the less arguments and delays the better. If he thinks he's got one over on me then that'll make him happy. I just want to be gone. And if that means a bit less money in the bank I would happily pay it!

hello malinky, if he agrees to the 50/50 split, and house is in both your names, then it would save time and money not to use a solicitor. Sorry not replied before. I am no expert on that though. I hope all goes well.

a1b2 - sorry my last reply was done in a bit of a hurry. I meant to ask about your situation. How long ago did you split with your exP?

about 4 years. That is why I said you hsd better check current regulations re housing benefit. It took about 3 years to sort out finances, as exh was unco operative!

Oh dear - poor you! Do you have much dealing with him now re DCs?

I just hope that my ex wants his share of equity as much as I do. Am going to suggest mediation in the new year - just think it might be hellish to try and do while we're living together but needs to be done.

was worth it in the end. Me and kids are fine now. Life is mostly peaceful, and a different world to when we were together. We do have dealings with him now re DCs. He continues to be verbally abusive and sends abusive texts but not all the time, in fact only some of the time. But it is a lot easier to deal with/ignore now we have a seperate household. I would warn about mediation that it is exhausting and in my case didn't work due to his controlling and abusive behaviour. Some experts say it does not work where the partnership is unequal. However if you can get him to agree to a fair agreement,at mediation, not be pressured to agree to things you are not happy with/not fair, it could be good to put everything in writing in an official way. I wish there were some more expert people on here to advise. Has your ex said he wants his share of the equity? Or has he got dreams of him staying in the house and somehow finding a way to pay mortgage?

Glad to hear it worked out for you in the end.

My ex definitely wants 'his share' of the equity and can't afford to stay here on his own so I hope he will be reasonable when it comes to selling and doesn't refuse decent offers etc.

I will suggest trying mediation and if the first session is a nightmare then I won't continue with it. But as you say I'd like to have something in writing and don't fancy going down the solicitors route as it will just eat up all our money.

Thanks for all your advice.

That's a good idea re see how first session of mediation goes. It will be good if you can get this sorted out quickly and move on. It must be awful having to still live in the same house. Good that you are sleeping seperately.