men dont make sense to me anymore - online dating and more

[evuscha]

I was never into online dating - tried it before and it didnt work - but for the lack of opprtunities to meet guys I decided to give it another go. I met a nice guy on a dating website, we used to exchange messages every day and then when I was going to London, decided to meet up. I really liked the guy, he seemed to like me and the meeting was going well...afterward we exchanged some texts along the lines that it was a pleasure to meet up and he suggested that next time he would visit me. Even the following day he e-mailed me something similar and all seemed to be going well. But from the next day onwards - nothing! It has been 5 days of no contact whatsoever from him - he even hasnt been online and I guess he hasnt read my last message to him. I sent him a text to ask if he was ok and the text was delivered but no reply. I guess this means he is not interested - fair enough - but why all the hassle? Why all the "pleasure to meet you" and "I will visit you next time" nonsense, why keeping in touch for the first 2 days and then pretending he doesnt exist anymore? I mean, surely he could still come on the website (just not replying to me) to talk to other girls, surely pretending he disappeared is a bit unnecessary? Oh well.....
Sadly enough something similar happened to me in real dating too - recently I met a guy on a night out who seemed nice and we had a good time, when saying goodbye, he asked for my contact details - only to never contact me again!
I mean, arent men supposed to be simple and much more straight forward? Why all the rubbish talk when it would be so much easier to say bye and leave it at that?

Maybe he's died? Or had a bad accident on the ice and is in hospital?

Sorry I am being slightly facetious. That would really puzzle me too and wind me up, OP. It seems that that's the problem with internet dating though, it's all so disposable and transient. I think that making it so easy to meet people has devalued the dating process. That's why I've never done it myself and I'm not sure I ever will.

Even if he does get back in touch now he's blown it big time. At least you didn't sleep with him or anything. I guess you just have to chalk it up to experience.

Above all else, it is just very bad manners on his part.

I would go back to your original stance and ditch the online stuff.

What you want is to meet a bloke through work, social stuff, a course, a class, that sort of thing. Become friends. Just friends.

Then you will get a much better idea of what he is like before you put yourself in the firing line which is dating.

Good luck, don't fret - your time will come.

Yes, been there, done that. I started online dating in September and two guys have done that to me.

One I dated four times and we saw each other Monday evening, arranged to meet three days later, he disappeared off the face of the earth and never made any further contact. He was still on the dating site we met through, but I blocked him after a couple of days. He had my mobile number though.

The other I didn't meet but we were in contact for a fortnight and spoke for an hour or more each evening for the last week of that. We planned to meet on the Saturday, he had to cancel due to work (I believe that part) and on the Weds evening after an exchange of texts he suddenly ceased all contact.

My rule now is that two ignored texts/messages is one too many, and three is definitely one too many. I won't tolerate being treated like that and it wouldn't matter how fantastic someone was, if they resurfaced I would ignore them.

yes think the transience linked to web dating is a problem - whereas you used to need quite a lot of balls/maliciousness to be a serial dater/shagger in person, being able to contact people on the internet seems to give a lot more 'normal' people the opportunity to act in that way. i'm sure they don't feel they are being twats because meeting someone online isn't quite the same as doing so in real life, it makes you disposable i think.

know lots of people who've had luck with online dating but have to say i think it invites lots of problems, if you're unlucky... stick to real life. might be slower but hopefully less disappointing.

You have my sympathy and understanding. After 33 years of marriage my husband left in October so i thought I would try online dating as I do not get out much to be able to meet men. But as you say you start building a friendship for a couple of weeks and then bang you hear no more. You reread what you last wrote to see if it was something you said but cannot see what it was. It makes you feel very down and unworthy but I still carry on in the hope that one day it will work. :(

Exactly kgg123! I really hope you will find someone nice, maybe we just have to be patient and keep trying...
I keep looking at the last messages, all of them sound positive even 2 days after our meeting - I dont even want to call it a date as I didnt in any way imply that I immediately want a relationship or put pressure on him, I was just being friendly and all seemed to be going well. It was him who suggested the next visit... He also previously mentioned that he met another girl on the site and remained friends with her although the spark wasnt there - so I thought, why couldnt he do it with me? Or why didnt he just say bye and leave it at that, surely I would get the message... Surely the fact that he is not interested in me doesnt need to make him pretend he´s dead or something - as it is exactly what is happening, he hasnt been online on the website, hasnt replied my text (but it was delivered so his phone must be on) - I just cant understand why anyone would do that if it was just the case of not being interested Very strange!
I myself left a toxic relationship almost a year ago and during that year I didnt have much luck in meeting someone nice and decent. So I thought I´d give it a try with online dating - I also have friends who met their DP that way and are happy. Of course I try to do the real dating too, but as I mentioned, something similar happened to me when I met someone during social stuff :( so now I am left wondering if it is something I do that makes guys change their mind about me later
Anyway, thank you very much ladies for your posts....I realize there are much worse problems when it comes to relationships...I just suppose that Christmas is a rubbish time to be single

Its only been 5 days! This happened to me once, met a great guy in rl, great eve followed by lots of texts, calls, flowers, cards etc, then nothing for about 5 or 6 days. I was panicking but he had been in kenya for work. He rang when he got back and I spent the next 5 years with him. Don't regret a single day of it either.

You sent a message saying you hoped he was fine, he will either contact you or he won't. Just look at it this way, the more men you meet the greater the liklihood you will meet the right one. Good luck.

If it is any consolation my brother who internet dates finds the same with women!

he has been seriously mucked about by women who don't return texts, aren't in when he has arrnaged to phone, cancel at short notice and haven't the courtesy ot say nice date, but won't take it further.

All it takes is a kind text/email to say it was nice meeting you but it's not what i am looking for and sorry.

i think from what you say the guys say what they think you wantto hear and then have't the heart to tell you the truth.

However, it happens with any kind of dating really.

I remember giving my number to a man as i caught the bus home ( when I was 17) and he promised to call- and i am still waiting after 35 years!

Chin up- they are wallies and you will meet someone- just try to keep upbeat and positive.

Just imagine, for a minute, that you have been in contact with a bloke off a dating site or indeed had one date with him. You find him OK ie not vile, but maybe a bit desperate and whiny and pathetic - or maybe just boring.
Would you say to him 'Actually, thanks but no thanks?' Or would you find it easier just to not get in touch again. A few emails/MSN chats and a single date do not make a relationship, after all: no one owes anyone anything.

SGB are you suggesting that the OP is "a bit desperate and whiny and pathetic "

I think the OP is puzzled why normal curtesies don't apply to internet dating. Its a bloody shame that people are not honest, upfront and polite and sensitive to other peoples feelings, SGB for one seems to lack any empathy or manners.

SGB, as I said, I didn't in any way put any pressure on him or imply that I want a relationship...I was just being friendly and I thought it went well. If I had a date with someone whom I didn't like all that much, then yes maybe I would be tempted not to get in touch with him again - but he did get in touch in the first place, only afterwards he probably decided he didn't like me afterall. But still there is no reason to pretend he disappeared or something happend to him, is there? And if someone sent me a text to ask if I was ok, then yes, I would reply with the "thanks but no thanks" - it is polite if nothing else.
Anothermum92, an interesting thought! He does have a child, maybe he is not separated from his ex as he claimed to be? Another thing he said is that he would be at work every day until Christmas - but surely he is not as busy as not to even have time to reply with a short text...
Purplepeony - you're quite right, it's not really the matter of sex, but the matter of people. I suppose women do it too.
Thank you for your positive experience NGE :)
Oh well, time to get over it I guess. Finding the right one is a bloody hard work!

Hard work it may be evuscha but find him you will

Thanks

I met my man on line, on Match actually, and we've been together nearly 2 years, lived together for over a year and we couldn't be happier.

However, I had to kiss a few frogs first ... the way I made it work for me was to "date" people and not put all my proverbial eggs in one basket. That way, if a few fell by the way side or messed me about, it wasn't too much of a problem as I wasn't being serious about any one initially.

Dating is fun, as long as you're dating ... if you're looking for a full on relationship from the outset, I think you're going to be frustrated by it all ... and maybe its never going to work out as you may be too keen to get commitment - 5 days without a response is not an age and definitely doesn't mean they're messing you around ... but it may do.

Be in charge of your own destiny by choosing when and if to get serious with someone - but only when they've proved their worth your attention and you have given a few more guys a chance to come up to your standards.

Im not saying be prommiscuous though - far from it - stay true to yourself, have fun with as many guys as you want to date ... and don't look for too much commitment until you're sure their worth committing to (if that makes sense).

Im totally happy with my man, he's the best thing thats ever happened to me but we didn't find each other straight away and had to meet a few idiots first. He's was well worth the wait though - so don't give up :-)

Trust me, this is not a man thing. In my experience, women are usually worse!

PixieX has the right idea in that if you are online dating then you cannot have all your eggs in one basket.

I soon learned to have more than one iron in the fire so to speak.

I've lost count of the amount of ladies you swap messages with who then disappear in puff of smoke. Or the ones who like OP you meet, you have what you think is a great time and you agree to meet again then poof!

As for why we do it, I guess it reminds me of the sketch from Friends where Chandler can't help but say "I'll call you!"

It beats "Nah, your a minger and I'd rather not" when asked the question "Shall we do this again?"

Agree with Pixie, hang in there, don't put your eggs in one basket. It is also a numbers game, one day it will be your turn but you have got to wade through the guff first.

I have no experience of internet dating, but hire aupairs off a website. This 'puff of smoke' disappearing act applies there to. I never commit emotionally at whatever stage until the absolute end.

Always a good policy to make the man do the running too. So if he disappears, it is all for the best. Better than to be saddled to a timewaster.

No, sorry, did not mean to imply that there was anything wrong with OP or her manners, just that people in general often say they will be in touch because they think that this is less rude and unkind than saying 'No, thanks, you don't appeal to me' for whatever reason. Not many people (irrespective of gender) are assertive enough to tell a potential date that they just don't make the grade.

I met my DH online.

I'd echo what others have said; see a few people at once until you find the one/the best one!I also think there is something to be said for being too busy (with ohters!) to take them up on their first offer of when next to meet.

I also personally found that getting into texting/frequent emailing prior to meeting gave me a false sense of knowing them/intimacy which often didn't translate in person and then I felt let down/upset that they weren't actually "the one".

Not saying you do this, but after a string of dates and 'it not really working' I made a promise to myself to exchange a little via email, and if I liked them to progress to meeting them. I have enough friends, so really wanted to move to the actual meeting to see if it would work. Then I met up with DH.

I also had dates with people who I felt it worked with and they all sent nice messages etc.

I also tried to fill my time with other things, which is all v easy when you are in your 20s and single, not as easy with children (I assume) but I did like to have something interesting to talk about!

I think also you just never know what is going on in somebody's life. A v different senario, but once in a previous co we did an external job search, only to do a restructure internally at the same time and fill the vacancy internally. I just rember looking at the pile of applications thinking, all those people will be thinking they didn't measure up etc. Sorry if that sounds patronising, it just really stayed with me the idea that things aren't always as they seem.

Good luck, I am sure the right person is out there.

WS76

SGB, no worries, I didnt take your comment personally :) and in fact I agree with you in that people think it is kinder to keep it positive even if they mean otherwise - and it probably is, I remember one post on here where the OP was told by her date that he doesnt fancy her, good bye - that would be a bit awkward too. Although at this point and after few of these happening I feel like I could use some feedback as to what is wrong with me that I cant attract a man that I like!
Niceguy2, sorry to hear about your experience, as I said before, I imagine that women are probably just as bad, so my apology for the stereotype ;) I guess you hit the nail right on the head with the Chandler comment - that is probably what it is!
The only thing that doesnt add up is that he actually still contacted me after the date, even the following day with a positive message - only then he disappeared. It would certainly make more sense to me if he never replied to me in the first place. Oh well....
Not to put all eggs in one basket is another useful advice....I was admittedly a bit silly, I was so excited to finally find a guy that I liked (my dates in 2010 really have been rubbish, all of them!) maybe to the point of overexcited, and now Im taking it really hardthat I "lost" him, although obviously I know he ows me nothing...
Thank you again everyone for your comments, I really really appreciate it

Thank you WS76...interesting points, and also helpful :) Nice to hear that it worked out for you!

PixieX and Watersign76 give excellent advice.

IMO - Internet dating = men acting as if they are making up for lost time (especially the divorced ones), and just like a child in a candy store, they want to sample ?this one, and that one, and the other one? before they will settle for one.

?Aren?t men supposed to be simple and much more straight forward?? Internet dating seems to bring the worst out in them due to the sheer number of available women. It?s as if men don?t even need to try and pretend to have manners.

Why all the hassle? I reckon they enjoy the chase and the mystery/build up to the date.

Don?t give up because I cannot think of a man in my social circle/work who isn?t on an online dating site, and yet at work/social circle I am surrounded by single women who cannot find single men in RL but wont entertain the thought of signing up to a dating site due to the stigma attached to it.

Maybe you and Niceguy2 should PM each other and arrange to trade war stories over coffee?

I'm feeling brutal. Possibly not as brutal as SGB ... but close

1. There is no such thing as "what men do", only what people do.

1. Dating is about kissing frogs.

1. It's not always about you.

Lighten up! Some relationships only last as long as one email or chat at the bar, some last one date, some last longer. How about taking something positive from each one, and leaving it at that?

Another suggestion is to look at it as a way to make new friends. My brother has made 1 freind - femaale- who he met internet dating. They have loads in common- both outdoor country types- but there is no spark or sexual attraction- they were both upfront about this after a couple o dates. so- they go dog walking, rambling, all kinds of outdoorsy stuff and have fun. it's not a substitute for a relationship, but any way you can build your social circle means you potentially meet other people.

My friend who is now living with a guy she met on Match used to do the numbers game- she once had 4 dates in a weekend with 4 guys. Some she never heard back from, others seemed keen and really were not, blah, blah.

You gotta take it lightly and not expect too much.

The most likely explanation for someone nice-seeming you encountered via internet dating not getting back in touch is a very simple one - they have 'clicked' with someone else.
Again, this doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, nor does it mean the other person is a heartless player: in the early stages of internet dating no one owes anyone anything (I do remember one raging nutjob wailing that a bloke who had arranged to meet her was still on the dating site - this before they had even had their first meeting).
Make sure you keep all your options open ie don't announce that you are 'taken' just because someone's asked you for a first date.