husband makes me feel guilty

[insanityrules]

I want a divorce, i must admit everytime i say to him i want one, it is usually when we have a row.
When we argue he says things like, you will end up a lonely woman, you are putting yourself first what about what it will do to the kids, i do everything for you - the list can go on.
Now it is xmas i know i can't say anything as it will ruin xmas, but how can i stop feeling so unhappy.
Yes he works but i do everything in the home, his idea of fun is buying a bottle of wine for the evening.
He only has to put his arms around me and i want to throw up, i have lost all respect for him due to various reasons.
I wish i could leave but it is impossible, for financial reasons and for the fact my children have friends so nearby, how could i live with myself to take them away.
He won't leave, refuses point blank.
Now last night was another row over petty things, after it he sat there and professed his undying love for me, i didn't reply, i don't love him haven't for ages.
I know this sounds a bit rambling but i find it hard to put my thoughts into words.

Why don't you like him anymore? What happened?

Mine won't leave either and he doesn't even love me!

Am I right in thinking that he 'professes his undying love' for you, but his actions don't tally with that, or there is absolute minimal effort (eg a bottle of wine)?

You know your own mind, and it sounds like you have made your mind up; you have emotionally detached from him; you can do something about this soon legally, if you want to. Take care. Don't let him spoil christmas for your dc. You seem to know your own mind and that is good.

Due to drink his whole personality has changed, he is not the man i married.
I have tried for years to get him to stop but apparently it's my fault he drinks, i stress him out.
I know the logistics of drinking, i cannot help him.

Stick to your guns. You can get through Xmas for the kids, and try and talk to your not so D H when you are NOT in the middle of a row.

Contact AA - for yourself - you will get support.

There is also a long-standing alcoholics thread on here somewhere - have a search.

Oh dear blaming you for his need to drink is awful. YWNBU to kick him out/change locks etc...

Al-Anon Family Groups (which is different from Alcoholics Anonymous) is an organisation that supports partners and families, whether or not the drinker acknowledges that a problem exists. Its confidential helpline (020-7403 0888) is open daily from 10am to 10pm; www.al-anonuk.org.uk

OP, mine had a drink problem when I met him, just disguised it well, drank constantly (alcoholic) all the years of our marriage; he stopped drinking earlier this year. I think, in his warped mind, he blames me for that too. I contacted Al-Anon because I put up with it for years (and I know I enabled him. I have had years of misery from it and so have others. He is now divorcing me. Was it worth all the suffering - NO.

OP, they like to blame the partner that they drink because You stress him out! Well, they just don't get it that they caused the problems and the atmosphere in the house - in the first place! They are drunk - what do they care. Everyone else suffers.

Mine managed to give up (apparently not all alcoholics are 'addicted' to it, he hasn't got an addictive personality, so it wouldn't have the same hold over him). But I don't care about that, the home was affected by having a drunk man there when he wasn't at work (yes, he always worked - a functioning alcoholic - they are not all lying in the gutter).

How is your partner, when he is sober? Drink does not always prove to be the excuse for everything to do with someone's personality; it just makes their personality more cruel and nasty.

That's right, OP. You CANNOT get him to stop. That is his decision. Only he can do that when he really, really wants to.

Look at me - I feel used, abused and then thrown away when I am no longer needed (ok, not regards to just drink), but I enabled mine to be totally irresponsible in the home for years, because I was there for the dc 24/7 100%, while he could just do what the hell he liked. What a hard life FOR HIM. (NOT). What a fool I am.

Do I sound a bit angry?

When he is sober, he is ok. I can talk to him about the children but nothing else.
I feel like i do everything around the house, ok he does a token few bits and works but i still feel like i am the one holding it all together. I suppose that has made me more resentful of him.
Once he has had a few drinks he turns into an authoritarian person, bossing the kids around, telling them to tidy up, shouting if they ignore him or refuse.
I know i get cross with the kids at times, who doesn't, yes i sometimes shout, i will even admit to losing my temper occasionally, but it irks me more when he does it.
Suppose that it down to losing respect for him.
When he is due home from work it is like there is a weight on my shoulders, it doesn't leave until he goes to work the next day.
I don't feel like a happy person anymore, the only time i can say i am truely happy and care free is when i am out with my friends.
I'm not saying i want to live a single life etc but i do know that deep down i will be happier on my own.