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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sister's 'partner' - fantasy or being used

4 replies

iloverhubarbcrumble · 22/12/2010 08:19

Not much I can do about this really, but feel like venting. My younger sister - bear in mind we are both in late 40s - has never had what I would call an equal partnership with a man. She would love a DH, family, house, dog but somehow that has never been likely.... Sad

She has been with T, just the latest of her rel'ships, always people not truly available, for six years now. He is 'separated' but still married 14 years after separation ('catholic so can't get divorced' according to him/her). He lives in another part of the UK, where his (ex)-wife and adult DDs are. In a bedsit my sis has never been to! (Is he with his wife?)

Either my DSis lives in a fantasy world of her own making or she believes his stories. Eg a week ago she was going to Madrid for Xmas. She never has a date or tickets (or else she organises endless 'treats' and he may or may not take part). Always contingent on some problem he has, with work or DDs. Now she is not going to Madrid as T can't make it. She is going down to see him instead for Xmas instead, she says. Somehow I know she will turn up at my parents house at last minute (where my family and DB family will be). She can never ever commit to anything, ever. Her life is on hold for this guy.

One Xmas my sis invited all to hers - T, my parents and my family. An empty chair, we eventually started to eat an hour late, no phone call, sis in tears, what a great xmas that was! She forgave him for that because he 'bottled out' (he is 47 by the way).

I dunno, I don't actively dislike T, I just think they want completely different things and my sis wears a blindfold. I won't have him in my house because that's the only boundary I can set. She calls him 'my partner' and signs her cards from them both. He turns up at some family occasions (weddings, christenings), and forgets to turn up to others. I wonder why he is invited - 'because he makes her happy' my DBs say. But she is unhappy a great deal of the time. She seems to think this is as good as it gets!

She has talked about him finding a job near to her, moving in with her, she scours the estate agents pages, looks at houses - 4 years now - then somehow the only job he can find is local to where he is now.

Aaagh. I get so frustrated with her (we are not close sisters, I try to be kind, I can be a bossy cow though). She is coming round to eat with me tonight - I feel like challenging her on it ie to say you deserve more than this, can't you see you need to dump him (well I wouldn't say that!). She has never dumped anyone.

Right vent over. This isn't unusual is it? What do I do - leave her to it!

OP posts:
JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 22/12/2010 09:18

Sorry but, yes, you do leave her to it. I think you've probably made it clear that you are worried about her and that this relationship will end up hurting her even more than it already has. I think all you can do is to be there for her when she needs you. It's the kindest thing you can do for her.

There is probably a deep seated reason why she forms these kinds of relationships. She may find the reality of a fully committed relationship too frightening. She may not even realise this herself.

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 22/12/2010 09:23

And, you know, she may be fully aware that he is married (assuming that he is) but simply too ashamed to tell you all. The elaborate tale around his whereabouts and family situation could simply be just a tale and not what she believes at all. Sad

I feel a bit sorry for her. Of course, she's not my sister. Siblings are often spectacularly exasperating so I'm guessing you may be past the sympathy stage!

FellatioNelson · 22/12/2010 09:26

It sounds like the classic scenario with women in long term relationships with married or otherwise unavailable men who won't commit. They do it because they can. Because these women let them.

What often happens is that while these women are patiently waiting in the wings these men have a whirlwind love affair with someone else, get divorced, and marry them in two seconds flat.

But people can't be told. Let her get on with it. It's her life to waste.

iloverhubarbcrumble · 22/12/2010 17:34

yes I'm past the sympathy stage! I really feel she should get a life - and NOT waste it! Aaagh. Perhaps I need to analyse why I get so bloody exasperated about it! I just want her to tell him where to get off!

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