Maintaining a good relationship with your ex

[trianglesquare]

for the sake of your children. Those of you who have a good relationship, how do you manage this? I am a year on from splitting with my ex and some days I still feel like I hate him as much as I did a year ago and I don't want to go on like this.

We have 2 young dc and I need to make myself feel ok about things for their sakes. I just wish I never had to see my ex again ever but know that we are connected for life through our dc. He lives a long distance away and is with ow and doen't see our dc much. Everything is a great effort for him and he thinks he is marvellous because he pays maintenance. He can't see dc over Christmas because flights are too expensive when he is making extravagant purchases left right and centre. How do you start to let all of this wash over you and not feel bitter? I feel like I am turning into a bitter and twisted old hag!

Some days I think I have turned the corner, then something else happens and I am back to square one. I feel so upset for my dc that he cares so little about them. My ex thinks he is doing a great job as a parent and wants me to praise him for being a good dad on his sporadic visits. I always feel like throttling him.

I'm glad you are feeling better. I was talking to a mate last night who has recently split with his wife.

I was pretty much saying what I said here. It's about time, moving on and how its not about "winning". Except I think I'm wrong on that last one.

It shouldn't be. It should be all about what's best for the kids. But human instincts get in the way. Post-split we all have a desire to "win". Secretly we want our ex to be the one who is worse off. So to deny that is to deny who we are.

So how do we do it? Well for starters getting angry & "ranty" is counterproductive. The more you do, the more your ex will think "Phew, thank fuck I left. Look at her!"

Case in point was my neighbour. When he split up with his wife, when she started getting nasty, he was like "Thank god I left." but when she eventually just stopped and was reasonable he started doubting himself.

The point I am rambling to make is that your feelings are normal. Rant, rave all you like. But if you want him to "win" in front of him then fighting's not the way. Just act all calm, reasonable and nonchalant. That will have way more impact on him than ranting like some demented bunny boiler. Even if you have to put on your best fake smile.