HELP - tell me how to get through Xmas after cutting contact with Toxic Family

[MumsMunchkin]

It will just be DH, DCs and I and I am feeling pretty morose about it. I am used to huge family gatherings (7 siblings) and we were supposed to be staying with my parents for Xmas until I 'confronted' them about my 'abusive' childhood a few weeks ago.

I was (as I see now) emotionally abused, ie. told I was weird, evil, nasty etc and left out of lots of things, and my mother started telling my 8 yr old DTS1 that he was ugly and stupid(he wears glasses btw and is very sensitive about that). So after having CBT to try to combat my myriad of mental health problems, I decided to confront her and my stepdad by email (I'm a wuss), copying in my siblings as I was always the scapegoat/black sheep and I wanted them to know how I felt.

Parents denied it of course, basically said it's not their fault I'm a fuckup, siblings furious I upset them and have had no contact since. Not even an Xmas card.

DCs will only have 2 presents each from us (and not a lot as this has been a bad year financially) when they are used to having mountains of gifts under the tree and we will be on our own for the first Xmas in the 17 years DH and I have been together. DH's parents and siblings live abroad and do not celebrate Xmas anyway as they are from a different culture so I sort of feel like my DCs are completely missing out on grandparents, aunts, uncles not that mine took a lot of notice of them anyway.

I do not regret confronting them but sort of wonder what I have achieved apart from alienating my family further.

Help me get my head together on this please?

it seems such a shame to actually cut contact when you are from such a large family. I think you could do with further counselling but would think twice for the sake of your kids at totally cutting contact especially from your siblings.

Try and start some new family traditions. How about a christmas morning explore of someplace new- different play-park, climb a hill, follow a stream?

Pick a DVD movie to watch together?

Make the few presents last longer by opening in turn and making a fuss about thank yous to each other.

Hope you find some peace this christmas.

I'm sure cutting contact was not done lightly op. Fwiw if your patents were starting on your children and you could see history repeating is elf I think you did the right thing in protecting your kids.

Findinthisdifficult - my CBT is not finished yet and I am aware I have a long climb ahead. I did not intend to cut contact (although I was aware this was a possibility) but the reaction I got was not good (an understatement).

It sounds like for the first time you and your children are going to enjoy a (relatively) stress free Christmas. Imagine it, waking up, doing what you feel like, playing with your toys, playing with your siblings and their toys, playing with your parents and them playing with you and enjoying it. Free from anxiety, free from insults and putdowns, free from fear and without walking on eggshells. Sounds like your DCs will have a Christmas like no other they have experienced.

Yes, as kids grow up they do remember some of the material aspects of Christmas. Mostly what they remember is family time. You have done what you have done. I don't know if you could have handled it better, but put the past out of your mind and make this year about you and your family and enjoy it.

You have achieved the freedom for you and your family to finally enjoy Christmas.

It kind of feels like I did in my childhood - everyone else having fun and chatting and laughing while I'm shut in my bedroom!

How old are your children? How old they are makes a big difference as to how to handle things I think.

I grew up with the whole big family Christmas thing - my Dad is one of four and we all used to descend on my Nans. My Mum always hated it as she didn't get on well with her PIL (oddly does now she is divorced from my Dad...) and we moved away when I was about 8 or 9 I think - partly to get away from the claustrophobic family atmosphere.
I'm an only child and my Mum used to make Christmas so lovely and so much fun. I remember one year she made a treasure hunt all over the house and hid my presents (not that there were that many) with a clue about where the next one was. Another year she put up no Christmas decorations at all - and then put up loads on Christmas Eve after I'd gone to bed and the house was a riot.
I guess what I'm saying, is I really enjoyed the extra time and attention I had from my parents once we didn't do the big family thing.
Enjoy your Christmas, relax, chill out - watch TV and eat some chocolates.

Well done for finding the strength to do this. What you have achieved is protecting yourself and your children from their abuse. You will find lots of support on the stately homes thread.

This is not the Christmas of your childhood. You are in control of your life. You have chosen to do what is best for you and your family. You are are a fundamental part of making and enjoying the laughter that will ring through your house.

Forget about the rest of them.

I have no doubt that you have further work to do in counselling, but that is for next year. This year, congratulate yourself on your bravery and how far you have come and what you have done for your family.

Dione - you are right of course. I never realised until recently just how on edge I was when we visited them. Looking back over past vists, they were not fun.

DCs are 14, 9,9 and 5 months.

How do YOU want to spend your Christmas?

MumsMunchkin, of course I'm right, how lovely of you to recognise that.
What you need to realise is that you are right too. Oooh, how cool is it going to be for your kids to have a happy relaxed time, with a happy relaxed mum this year? Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy thinking about it.

Have you ASKED the older kids what they want their Christmas Day to be like? Ask them individually if you can, and try to incorporate something for everyone.

Go out somewhere on Boxing Day, even if it's just to a local park or similar. If you are close enough, a walk on a beach is nice in the winter, and the Arctic freeze is meant to improve from the 26th

Most of all, relish the family time together - get everyone to write on separate bits of paper the things that they think are ace about their siblings/parents/children - the old "Cedric has got such an infectious laugh!" and then compare them.

Have you spoken to the older kids about what happened and why. They need to know why, even if only a potted version.

Good luck and best wishes for a super family Merry Christmas!!!

I think your dcs will be better off without your parents, especially your 9 year old. does he look really "distinguished" and clever in those glasses? I bet he does!

poor lad he could well do without them to be honest.