Is it unfair to feel this way?

[CodLiverOiled]

I don't know if I can continue to live with DH anymore - but I do feel desperately sorry for him....is this enough?

We've had a bad couple of years - PIL have been a problem, not their fault entirely, but they have overtaken our lives somewhat. They have been very ill, to the extent of both being hospitalised at one time or another, but wouldn't admit it at 1st. No problem, I can see that they wanted to stay independent, but they live / lived 2 hours away, & usually the 1st we would hear of it was when they were already in hospital. We would then have both to stay (for up to 4 weeks) which was problematic because we'd have 1 bathroom & 6 of us in the house! The 1st of these stays was when DD was 3 months old, the last stay was when we got married in Nov & they stayed on for xmas that year!!

Unfortunately, MIL died last month & FIL has gone downhill, sometimes phoning here 20 to 30 times a day (often starting at 3am in the morning!! DH has a job where he leaves at 6.30am & doesn't get home until 7pm, doing a lot of driving so is very tired in the evenings. This however means that he misses most of these calls as FIL goes to bed at 6pm. Before MIL passed away, I also had to field calls from the her too & their neighbours who were worried about them.

In all this time, DH had never told me of his plans - which involve selling their house & buying one nearer to us for (now just FIL to live in. DH now tells me that as well as doing part time work, I can keep an eye in FIL too, popping in every day.....

Because of his job I do all childcare, work part time, I think this would be too much (also don;t know if FIL would cope?)

I am just fed up that he assumes that I will do this, without asking. He also went on holiday with DSS for a break this year, I didn't - stayed at home to look after DD.

He also deals with all house issues / finances - all kept on his computer which I have no access to.

I know he thinks he's being the strong one, & thinks he's looking after me, but I'm fed up with not being involved / consulted about these things!

GRRRRR

I don't like the sound of this. So, he is telling you that your new job is to look after his father, as well as a young child, running a home and working part time?

And how did he wangle the holiday without you? I don't see much of a partnership here, and as you are fairly recently married, I would be working on re-establishing the rules now, fast.

Your feelings are your own, they can't be 'wrong' or unfair. In this case, I think they're telling you something important ... your H is being unfair. Grossly unfair, in fact, and overbearing. I think you need to put your foot down, hard, several times.

Does his father even know about this plan? Is your H in the habit of rearranging other people's lives to suit himself??

I am confused as to why you appear not to have talked about any of this?

I think DH feels overwhelmed himself. He was very very close to his mum, & promised that he would always look after his dad. They have never wanted to be put in a home this is his way of keeping his promise.

The trouble is that I don't think FIL could cope - I've tried to talk to DH about his plans, but he would just refuse to discuss it - until now, when I learn of what he plans to do.

DSS & DH went on holiday as a male bonding thing, we were meant to go on holiday later on, but events overtook us & DH was needed by his parents.

He had no business making a promise to his mother that required you to honour it, especially without discussing it with you. I think it's that which screams danger to me. How on earth can he be so cavalier with your feelings and place in the family. It's all very well being close to your mum, but your relationship with your wife should be the paramount one.

You stepped up and took them in for months, and to thank you he gives you this?

No marriage will thrive with such lack of communication or respect.

OK, so he's acting like an arse because he's distressed and wants to feel he's "doing something about it", then? It is a MASSIVE mistake to make any important decisions immediately after a bereavement - you're supposed to wait six months. Naturally FIL is going to feel even less like major disruptions to his life at the moment, although I share your H's possible concern that he might go downhill even faster now.

My feeling is that it's important for you to discuss with H that he's in danger of making impulsive decisions that may not turn out to be for the best. He should wait. In the meantime, what are the options for getting some organised help in for his dad? One starting point for information is Age UK, you might also think about calling FIL's GP to discuss his needs.

I agree with perfumed about taking you for granted, btw.