Moral dilemma-paternity

[ticketstub]

I would appreciate your thoughts on a moral dilemma that has bothered me for years.

My mother is toxic and we have a limited contact but can be civil. I was her first child, she then married my stepfather and went onto have 3 more children. I strongly believe the 2 youngest children are not biologically his as my mother had an affair around the time of their conception and they look nothing like my stepfather. I know she had an affair because she would take me with her (aged about 8) to the other man's house and leave me in the garden whilst she was with him.

My stepfather is an alcoholic and does not have a good relationship with any of us 4 kids, neither does our mother. Mother and stepfather been divorced for years.

Should I raise this with my mum and/or my adult siblings (we are close) as I would hate for this to become an issue in future - maybe once she is dead and cannot explain it or identify their father? If this comes to light accidently and I then confess to possibly knowing who their father is (as i know where he lived) then I'd feel bad. I've brewed over this for years and feel they deserve the truth but is it better to let sleeping dogs lie?

Have they ever questioned who their father is?
I worked out as a child that my "father" wasn't my father at all but kept quiet about it until I was 18. My half brother and sister didn't know about this until we were in our thirties and to be honest it has caused nothing but strife. I wish people had been honest from the start. If you decide to "tell" then you need to be absolutely sure and that would probably mean discussing it with your mother.

Is it going to improve their life by knowing.
Like you said you don't know who their real father is.
Sometimes leaving well alone is the best policy.

Think back in the 50s / 60s quite a large percentage of children born within marriage were not the child of the husband (? 10%); surely the father is the person who brings the child up and identifies as the parent. For whatever reason it doesn't sound like this other guy did. If you were concerned about your own father I would say it would be a different matter, as it is I can't see how any good will come of it.

That is a really interesting dilemma.

Thanks for all your perspectives on this dilemma.

ScurryFunge: I don't know if they have guessed that the stepdad is not their dad but it is possible that it has crossed their minds.

InsanityRules: I think that your point is the crux of the matter. My stepfather is not a good father (abusive alcoholic) so they do not have a decent relationship and he did not actively bring us up. If he had been a good father and they were happy then I would be inclined to let sleeping dogs lie.

My mum kept me from my biological father until I was 18 despite his attempts to make contact and we now have a good relationship. I wonder if my siblings could forge a relationship with their biological father.

My fear is also that DNA testing has come so far in the past decade that this matter could arise in the next 30 years accidentally and my mum would not be around to answer questions. Specifically, my sister had a baby that had minor health problems that were genetic and there was some puzzled faces about where this condition had come from - this set me off thinking again about this dilemma and the need to make a decision once and for all. Any more thoughts welcomed!

needafootmassage: that is a very good idea - thank you.

I've never spoken to anyone about this so it just whizzes round my head and I can't see the wood for the trees -so to speak.

I'd love to be told that my father isn't actually my father. I look way too much like him for him not to be though :(

i think it would depends what the health issues were. the other siblings have the right to know if they may occur in their own children too.