Cannot forgive Dh for verbal abuse

[Hidingbehindanothername]

I have namechanged as I am usually quite a light hearted poster!

There have been problems between me and Dh for a few years. About two years ago when he was stressed at work he became verbally abusive (called me a whore, bitch, amongst other things) for small reasons, for example if the DC were messing about he'd get angry at me. If I disagreed with him for any reason it would escalate within seconds.

He kicked off once because I went out with a few mates from work, although I don't drink, don't flirt and I have never and would never cheat on him. I'm sure that he knows this.

He almost crossed the line to physical abuse a few times; once he almost hit me with a chair. He threw things at me a couple of times, but never actually hurt me, although he often threatened to knock me out, etc.

I decided to stand up to him - I don't recommend this, btw. I know it could have got me hurt - one day when he was in a mood I said, in my firmest don't-fuck-with-me voice, "you will NOT speak to me like that." And I said that if he threatened violence again I would leave. I had to repeat myself more than once but eventually he did calm down and he is always polite now. He can be passive aggressive and we do have a few small issues but he generally OK.

The problem is that I just don't want to stay with him anymore. I think I still love him on some level but something has changed within our relationship and I just want to walk away.

It feels wrong because all this happened a while ago and if I wanted to leave I should have gone then. He refuses counselling because he doesn't need it and says that I should move on.

Sorry for the essay btw. I don't even know what I'm asking. I guess I'd like to see if anyone else has experience the same?

Thanks for reading. :)

My DH never threatened me physically but did call me a bitch a couple of times and can be very aggressive.
Like you I stood up to him and made it clear I would be off if he attempted to call me a bitch again. This stopped and he recognises his temper triggers and deals with them.

It sounds like this isnt the issue but the issue is more that you don't seem to 'like' your husband anymore and when he threatens to punch you and throws a chair I understand why.

I would suggest couples therapy and go from there

The thing is that if someone only stops calling you a bitch or whore and doesn't hit you because you have told him you'll leave otherwise, it makes me think that left to his own devices he'd be acting like that again.

If a man I loved called me a whore I wouldn't love him any more. A switch would turn in my head and that would be it. If he frightened me in any way, the same switch would turn.

We can decide to love, we can decide not to love.

He has acted in a way that has changed the way you look at him. That's his fault, his responsibility.

I would be looking at getting out of this relationship. However, given his threats of violence, you do need to be very careful. How far do you think he would go? Has he a history of hurting people if things don't go his way?

I'd leave him if I were you. What Are the reasons for staying?

how is he around the DC?

do you do family stuff together?
do you like each other?
when was the last time he was abusive towards you?

Gosh, I am no help, i would have thrown him out if he called me a whore!

Why would someone who puports to love you call you a whore?

Sometimes the words hurt more than anything bigger. My ex used to call me the b word in heated times or when he was drunk. I could never get it out of my head even when he was at his most charming. It was one of the many nails in the coffin of my marriage which took me years to pluck up the nerve to finish it once and for all.
You have all my sympathy.

My ex called me whore, amongst other things on our wedding night - because friends and relatives were kissing me at the reception. From then on it escalated and 5 years of absolute hell ensued. I was beaten, abused and stayed because i did love him "on one level" - please dont be the idiot that I was. I lost everything..and he didnt care.

We're human; not microwaves - in that we don't often bolt when we get that 'ping' moment! For whatever reason, back then wasn't the time for you to leave, now is - and you know this deep down.

hiding, it doesn't matter that the abuse stopped a while ago. The fact is, those words and that behaviour have stayed with you - and it is very hard to reconcile his behaviour and his verbal abuse with a man who is purportedly supposed to love you. And he is no longer the man you believed you'd fallen in love with. You could try counselling to see if you can move beyond this, if you'd like to try and save the relationship.

I can empathise a little. My DP has been emotionally abusive in the past - not to the extent of yours, but he has said extremely hurtful things, and name-called, - I have been able to pick myself up and forgive him and love him for 7 years - but after the last outburst it's like a light went on (or out, possibly). I feel now like I can't forgive any more - or that the love has finally been killed. Because where is the love in that kind of abuse and behaviour?

Good luck whatever you decide.

I have also had somewhat similar problems with DH in the past, the chair-throwing, the bitch-calling, the almost crossing the line to physical, the aggro. It doesn't happen often and I think sometimes quarrels get very heated which makes things escalate. We've been married for almost 8 years now, mind, and I've learnt to watch for trigger signs during a quarrel and stop when it looks like it could tip him over the edge. He does have a passive aggressive streak to him. Most people who meet him can only attest to his decency and helpfulness, and he is okay most times really, and is a good dad to his DCs, he never laid a hand on them and play with them or roughhouse at least once a day. I do acknowledge the fact that something's changed in our relationship over the years because of things that have happened in our lives, and I wouldn't exactly say I love him the same way that I did when we were still dating, in fact I would say we have stopped kissing most times (except when we won't be seeing each other for a few days like him going on a work trip) and we haven't slept in the same bed for years (but that had always been the case because he has a horrible case of snoring, which he adamantly refuses to acknowledge is a big enough problem to treat! He also refuses to shave with electric shavers, nor will he put his dirty laundry into the laundry basket/machine himself and I still have to pick them up off the floor for him daily), and also due to moving house so often and being away from family for so long and not having stable friends and a patent lack of help with childcare, we just never have much alone time with each other, and we have some debt problems which aren't big but because of that we'd always opt for staying-in with the kids rather than paying for a babysitter so we could go out together as a couple. They are not big things but its just little things like that which have contributed to us drifting a bit further apart I think. I stayed with him all these years because I can always see the good sides of him, and I think the good far outweighs the bad really. I know he has a bit of an anger management issue, but I will admit that most times I had a hand to play in it and he does do quite a bit for me in daily life and he has a job which he can't really leave because we need the income but he's not really happy in... Anyway, we have considered marriage counselling, however he wasn't too keen (though he would go if pushed) and to be honest with you I'm not that keen either as I think not only would it cost too much to organise (having to sort the babysitting out) but also I think I've reflected on our situation so much that I know what the problems are, and feel a bit like there's not much a counsellor can tell us which I haven't thought of or tried. The relationship is okay, and the one thing we seem to have (I wouldn't go so far as to declare we're 100 percent sure) but we really have that sort of trust between us that we will be loyal to our family structure first and foremost and would not do anything silly to jeopardise it... If he had slept with anyone else (come to think of it, he goes out with mates so little during the year that if he did it would be the odd one night stand in a few years) I'd rather not know about it because my curiosity would get the better of me... but I myself, even if I did have a one night stand with someone(I'm not ruling that one out and it will have to be in quite extraordinary circumstances) but there would be no way it would ever become something more than that because my loyalty is still to my husband. Oh yes, did I say we have not slept with each other for nearly half a year already, LOL! But its not a big deal to us, and at the end of the day, what matters to us a lot is to maintain our family structure - I suppose its fair enough to say we've been strongly influenced by both our parents' relationships, they were never divorced thogh had problems throughout, but they stayed together through thick and thin and are both now too old to bother about divorce and all that, though my parents I'll admit live separate lives though they still share the same roof - quite dysfunctional to outsiders in a way, but they seem quite happy to do so and it works for them. I don't suppose that your relationship would be along the same dynamic as ours, but I hope to offer you some empathy and also relate my personal experience in the hope that it might help you feel a bit better now that you know you're not alone in this :)

I'd suggest relate. Bugger what he says you shgould feel. It's not up to him when you do and don't forgive him (which you clearly have not done, and I don't blame you) - it's up to YOU and ONLY YOU>