DP. Facebook. Woman. Lying. Need I go on?

[SnotRagWoman]

Sorry for the namechange but I frequent certain sections of mn and don't want this to follow me around for the next few months! So basically a few weeks ago DP lets on that an old school friend had added him to his facebook friends list. I wasn't really that interested but smiled and nodded in the right places and forgot about it! Then by accident I saw that they'd been private messaging. Never got to see the content, just a hotmail message saying "you have a new private message from ** on facebook" etc. I didn't think too much of it but wondered why he never mentioned that they'd been chatting. Still, I let it go.
Then we got into a conversation when I thought I'd slip it in "so, hows things with **?" He pretended to not know what I was on about so I said "the girl you were chatting to on facebook, the girl you knew from school, how is she?" and he replied - quite nervously "oh! her! no idea, don't care to be honest! hehe" I said "oh thought you were friends" so he said "nah I hardly know her". I said "so you've not spoken to her at all then, not by private message or anything?" and he said "nope! not at all!" in a rather OTT defensive fashion.

So by this point I know he's lying. But why? So I get into his hotmail account and read a number of private messages between them. Starting off with "hi, how are you, long time no see" etc etc and eventually getting to "so what are you upto these days?"

DP told her he was divorced (true) but did not mention me at all. He said where he was working etc but no mention of the fact that he was in a relationship, even when she pressed on the divorce thing, he STILL didn't mention me. The messages then went to things like "remember when we used to go together? remember this? remember that? etc etc.... all it needed was a "lets meet up for all times sake"!!!

So I asked him again, "did you say you hadn't spoken to that girl on facebook by private message?" he said "no, why? I told you I hardly know her".

Then one night I'd just got out of the shower and came in the living room. DP simply closed down the laptop and sat there looking wierd and unnatural.

I later checked his hotmail messages again and there was one from her saying "what happened then? you just disapeared! did I upset you asking about the divorce? hope not, sorry ... please come back " and he replied with "course you didn't upset me, silly sausage, my laptop crashed"

So he closed down the laptop quickly when I walked in the room because he was chatting to her? if its all so innocent, what's he panicking over?

I watched a few more messages back and forth and it was getting to the point I believe where they were going to suggest meeting up and he'd still not mentioned me. So I came clean, told him I knew about the messages and asked why he lied to me. He denied it all, even when faced with the evidence but eventually admitted the private messages and said he lied because he "knew I'd act like this" if I found out, even though it was innocent.

He then sent her a message telling her all about me, she sent a half hearted message back (not nearly as in depth as her previous ones) and he never replied to it.

So, how would you react in this conversation?

berry...try googling it

Just looked - scary

yes...scary is right

FFS get out of this relationship. Never mind the online flirting, being with a man who lies about everything, especially money, is seriously damaging to your mental health.
You are never going to be able to trust this man and you may well end up bankrupt as well as half-crazy.

I have to say that I agree with all the others who say that lying is a big problem.

I was with a pathological liar. He would lie about the stupidest things, mostly to save face as another poster has said. But it made me not trust him, which caused me to question him more, which led to him getting annoyed, and then blaming lies on me because "I knew you were going to react like that."

I went to see a counsellor who said that one lie can be a mistake; two can also be a mistake; three lies - you have a problem on your hands.

I was also someone who was subjected to gaslighting and it did drive me absolutely nuts for years.

Mine also did a similar thing to yours with a colleague in work. He told me that his attention towards her probably made her feel good and gave her an ego boost. (She was engaged to someone else so it wasn't like she needed his attention.) I was left spluttering, and saying, "and my self esteem??"

I learnt my lesson and wasted spent 5 years of my late 20s and early 30s with a complete and utter waste of space. Please don't do what I did and waste time with an idiot who you think will change. If he lies about money and even about whether he had tea, that's pretty bad.

Mine would do the same and would always turn it back onto me and make it my fault that he'd lied. I would tell him, of course I'm angry - you lied to me! and he would sit there saying 'see, I knew you would be angry.'

Mine lied to me about his grandmother's funeral. I phoned for him in work to be told he was at her funeral and I hadn't even known she'd died. Mine lied about money, about going to the driving range after work (after complaining that we didn't early enough for him to sleep properly), about a girl in work he was attempting to flirt with. I look back now and am amazed that I put up with this crap for so long. They can be very good at making you feel as if it's your fault.

Whether or not he was going to meet up with this woman, it doesn't really matter. He's a pathological liar with narcissist tendencies, using her for an ego boost and attention and blaming you - it would probably end up as a 'poor him, you don't give him enough attention' sob story if you ask him.

Hope this helps:

Gaslighting: an abuser's favourite tactic

(after complaining that we didn't eat early enough for him to sleep properly) - he was a delicate flower...

in case anyone was wondering what on earth I was going on about!

Oh FFS, get a grip! he chats online with a friend which gives you the right to go through his hotmail messages?? If i was him, I would bloody leave YOU!!

I don't think the OP would have found herself doing that had he not given her cause to be distrustful.

We are talking about a man who lies about having had dinner!

How would he like it if you did the same thing to him? Not a lot, so why should the OP put up with such crap behaviour from him, or any man?

As someone who has found herself in a similar situation, and hating feeling so distrustful, I completely sympathise with the OP here.

In another 7 year relationship I had, I didn't feel the need to check messages/texts once, ever.

I dated a liar in the past as well (OK more than 20 years ago). He wasn't malevolent, I think he was delusional: he had been in a band and had bit parts in some films but was far less famous than he thought himself, and I kind of got dragged into his dreamworld, which cost me a lot of money and drove me nuts.

What I meant to say before pushing send was: OP never mind the bloody flirting/faithfulness. It's far less important than the fact that this man lies about everything and is therefore either living in a completely unreal world (and therefore you can't help him) or is a very nasty individual who is getting off on messing with your head. YOu don't have kids with him so you need never see him again.

StuffingGoldBrass Thu 23-Dec-10 23:17:41 x2.

Oh, and - take all the money out of your joint account before you go. He'll have others, won't he? Fine. Just cash up and go.

oh, I see...gaslighting as in the film 'Gaslight'

Great film by the way, if you ever catch it.