DH - No sex drive & premature ejaculation.

[LauLauLemon]

I really need advice.

DH is 24 and has been sexually active for 9 years. Since he can remember he's never had the desire to have sex and has had literally no sex drive. His penis seems to have a will of its own and will get erect for seemingly no reason and he claims he has no control over it but he never has the actual urge to have sex and it's "always been something to do, never something I needed to do". It's been this way since his first sexual partner and he claims he's still very attracted to me aesthetically but I've always known he's had no sex drive compared to my higher than average sex drive.

We average regular sex 3-4 times a week but I know that's a compromise to keep me happy and fulfilled. If he had it his way it would be once a month or even less than that. He has no desire to do anything sexual or try anything new and only does 'experimental' business in bed for my pleasure. He says he enjoys sex but it's not a huge thrill.

I feel terrible because I have such a high sex drive that even with two DD's I want it every night regardless of how tired I am and I have to reign myself in for him. I feel unwanted but I know this is my problem stemming from the insecurity over his problem.

He's also a premature ejaculator. With a few drinks in him or stopping and starting he can last a lot longer but we've tried everything from herbal viagra (doesn't work) to the Performa condoms with the anaesthetic lubricant (also doesn't work). I find it hard to orgasm through penetrative sex because it's so quick which means we have to have a lot of foreplay beforehand and I feel bad about my own pleasure because I know he's not getting much from it other than seeing me enjoy it.

Should I just get over myself and enjoy that he loves me enough to give me what I need or should I go with my gut and make an appointment with the GP? He says he'll see the GP, go to counselling if it's mentioned, try drugs etc if it'll help and he's doing and saying everything to make me feel better but I just can't shake my own insecurities.

I guess I just needed a rant and to talk to someone other than DH about this.

My ex dh was just like that but perhaps a bit worse. In his case, we discovered that he had a disorder called postural orthostatic tachycardic syndrome [POTS]. It affected his bloodflow, which caused erectile dysfunction which led to psychological issues.

So, yes, go see your doctor. There may be something like that underlying his issues.

Also, and I don't mean to scare the pants off of you, but my ex dh had major issues with underage pornography... Hopefully yours doesn't!

I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I hated that so much-- it made me feel so unloved and unlovely. I know it shouldn't have, but it it did.

I'm definitely making an appointment with the GP for us. He said he wants me to be with him for moral support and so they "don't go near me with anything sharp in those regions".

We've been together for five years and living together for two and a half years sharing a computer. He is not savvy in the slightest whereas I am and I've never come across anything suspicious. I know there could be many reasons for me not finding anything suspicious ie. I haven't been looking, he's more technologically savvy than I thought or he has proven to be in the past, he's a great liar etc but so far, no concerns. I'm sorry for what you had to go through with EDH :(.

I'm incredibly lucky that although he doesn't have a problem with it because he sees it as normal that he's willing to get help to please me. He is so incredibly supportive but obviously doesn't understand why I feel the way I do because it's always been normal to him and like it or lump it with other girls. He says since we're spending our lives together, have children and it's for life that he wants to make me as happy as possible because we all know how easily relationships go wrong when one or both parties aren't happy. I feel terrible about feeling bad about myself when I should just shut my mouth and be glad that I have an amazing DH who is perfect for me in every area except sexually.

It's nice to know I'm not alone and you have been in a similar position. Did you ever feel guilty about feeling unloved and unlovely (before finding out about EDH's dirty secret)?