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Relationships

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Original poster

Which is worse, physical affair or emotional affair?

28 replies

vampirelover · 20/12/2010 14:16

Rhetorical question I suppose, but also not. DH and I have been 'separated' since September although have been living together again since 1st November (separate rooms). We have been v clear we are on a break, ie not together, not socialising together, not really spending time together etc. Have missed him but wanted to give it a proper break to decide what I/we want for the future.

Since separating I have had a fling. It has been purely sexual and made me feel myself in a way I haven't fot a while, recapturing my youth or some shit. (I'm aware that none of this is very mature or helpful by the way, which is why I haven't posted on here for advice because your advice would probably be on the lines of 'you are a pair of immature twats' but hey...)
I believed that DH was also shagging someone (wouldn't surprise me). I have snooped in his phone (I know, I know) and seen texts from/to a girl, nothing overt, but clearly more than friends. He usually deletes them all as well (clue...)
I was hypocritically upset about it but kept it to myself, he has the right. Then my best mate put the wind up me by challenging me over things and pointing out that DH might actually fall for her and shook my complacency that we were just getting something out of our systems and would come back together in the future.

We had a conversation in which DH hinted he had also snooped in my phone and was upset that I had had something physical. I pointed out that so had he, and he denied that he had so much as kissed her. Half of me doesn't believe him, but the other half thinks 'so what'? Having looked at his phone this morning after he fell asleep early last night and didn't delete some texts it is clear that this girl likes him and I think he might like her too. This upsets me far more than the idea of him having random sex. He has spoken to her about the possibility of him moving out of our house etc.

Fuck this is an essay, and I only wanted to ponder which was potentially more upsetting, what I did or what he did... I have namechanged because I don't want people to remember this and so if you flame me I can pretend it happened to someone else

So please do answer the original qu, or call me a silly immature bitch if you like, and pronounce doom on my marriage....

FWIW I do want it to work, but DH was completely unappreciating me and taking me for granted. He also had some very entrenched behaviours that I will no longer live with. Not saying I'm an angel but I was pushed to limit. He is making an effort on his own account to deal with behaviours and I'm (I was) somewhat positive that we could get through this. Not sure now....

OP posts:

JodiesMummy · 20/12/2010 14:24

Sounds like you have gone further than him! Hypocrite.

Tortington · 20/12/2010 14:27

are there children involved in this monumental fuckedupness?

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain · 20/12/2010 14:29

which is worse? Hard question to answer. If you are seperted/split neither is wrong and therefore worse than the other but you are seperated and yet not, just waiting to get back together, is it?

Just try to get clear in your own mind what you want out of this and where your marriage is going. You split, you're back in the same house but seperated, both getting things out of your systems with a view to getting back together.

I can't get my head around how this is supposed to work. Be careful it doesn't go a way you don't want.

ditavonteesed · 20/12/2010 14:30

stop looking at each others phones.

Malificence · 20/12/2010 14:30

There is no worse, betrayal is betrayal, whatever form it takes.

Did you specify allowed behaviour for your break? Was getting together with other people ever discussed as a possibilty? If not, why not?

On a personal note, the thought of my DH having a random sexual encounter disgusts me far more than him having an emotional connection with someone.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 20/12/2010 14:33

I'm not sure which is worse.
I suppose it is all relative. To some the actually having sex may be worse to some the time invested in an emotional affair may be devestating.
Nobody can answer your question i'm afraid.

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain · 20/12/2010 14:37

but if they are not together, is it an "affair" anyway, whatever they do? Isn't it just a relationship?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/12/2010 14:48

The first point is that you have separated. Unless it was explicitly agreed that neither of you would start seeing someone else, it is implicit that once you have separated, you are both free to pursue other relationships.

In a purely legal sense, you have committed adultery and not him, but that doesn't take into account the feelings.

So what you are asking is whether your H should feel worse about you having sex with another man when you were separated, or you should feel worse that he has formed an emotional connection? But that doesn't really come into it, because you are separated. Neither of you will be able to help it if you feel bad, but there is no hierarchy of bad feelings here. You feel what you feel, but you have no claim over eachother and neither of you has the right to claim any moral superiority.

You both however have the right to privacy and so what you're telling us is that you are living in an atmosphere of constant snooping on eachother. If you've got DCs, this must be a ghastly environment to live in, so I hope you resolve your situation quickly for their sake.

Original poster

vampirelover · 20/12/2010 15:26

Thanks everyone
yes it is pretty fucked up, I realise that. However we are amicable and not arguing. We spend as much time together with DS as we always did and he's only two so has no idea.

I was expecting the MN flaming and maybe asking for it....I suppose it's impossible to say which is worse. To me, emotional stuff is 'worse' than physical, and far more of a threat to us working things out. But I appreciate that it's different for others.

OP posts:

prh47bridge · 20/12/2010 15:48

I believe this is an area where gender plays a significant part. It does, of course, vary from person to person but I understand that men would generally regard a physical affair as worse whilst women would generally regard an emotional affair as worse. As with all generalisations, it won't necessarily apply to individuals - see Malificence's post above, for example. But there are allegedly good biological reasons for this.

If you look at your situation from that perspective everything fits. He is upset that you have slept with someone else but doesn't understand why you are so upset over his emotional entanglement. You on the other hand find the emotional stuff worse.

msboogie · 20/12/2010 15:50

If you think your child doesn't know there's something up you are mistaken. you need to decide whether you want the marriage to end or not.

Malificence · 20/12/2010 15:54

I really don't get this "women aren't as upset by sexual infidelity" thing - the bottom line for me is that he could get that other woman pregnant, what bigger threat to your family is there than another woman carrying your husband's child?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 20/12/2010 15:56

whilst both of you are off shagging/connecting emotionally with random other people how the fuck are you supposed to "work it out" ??

but living in the same house and snooping on each other

if this weren't true it would be like a ridiculously-unfunny sitcom

I don't get it

is the plan one day that you will suddenly start sleeping in the same bed and all these extra-marital shenanigans will be completely forgotten ?

you both sound as deluded as each other if you think there is a way back after you "get it out of your systems"

play with fire, you get burnt

IAmReallyFabNow · 20/12/2010 15:58

I think what is worse is irrelevant in this case.

How about you both sit down and are honest to each other? If you want to be back with him, just tell him. If you want to shag about and then get back with him, then tell him. You really have no right to be pissed off with him as you have shagged someone else and you don't know for sure he has, but stop arsing about and decide what you want.

OnlyOneLife · 20/12/2010 16:17

I think both are bad, but possibly the emotional affair is more of a threat if you seriously want to get back together. You both sound as if you have been quite damaged by this - maybe a real separation (not living together) would be better, because your current situation may well lead to an escalation where you are both trying to hurt the other more and more in a nasty competitive type of way.

Tortington · 20/12/2010 18:33

oh for fucks sake really? you go off and fuck someone else and you want to blame him for texting a girl.

the whole situation is ridiculous and immature

and i am annoyed that there is a child involved and you are both behaving in such an immature manner

IAmReallyFabNow · 20/12/2010 18:44

CTT - are you the Custardo of no carbs fame?

hotbutteredmum · 20/12/2010 21:45

oh dear, sounds like a monumental emotional mess that this has caused already! Just have to say first of all, these games shouldn't continue as they are going you REALLY need to put a stop living under the same roof tormenting eachother in this way are you sadists???. If you need a break, do it properly ffs!. it sounds like no amount of this could truthfully give either of you an idea of whether or not you want to be together. if you weren't sure before, this is ensuring you both won't want to be within the same breathing space very shortly.

And am pretty sure you know the answer to which is worse .... if you mean is it worse for your relationship? (or lack of) then him getting his emotional needs seen to by someone else then- we all know the sex will be better will with someone who you are emotionally connected to. your brief sexual fling was brief because it obviously didn't involve emotion, as you said it was 'recapturing your youth'.

you can be sure I hate to say it, that if she or someone else is supporting his emotional side and he knows you have shagged someone else, then he has not only the moral high-ground but someone to build him up after the blow. could you turn to your fling for that? would you want to? so it doesn't matter which is worse morally, but an emotional affair is most certainly worse news for you.As i'm pretty sure this may have been a mind fuck game gone horribly wrong on your behalf, seeing as you didn't waste much time in shagging someone else just to make him notice you, instead it has just made you look less appealing by comparison. If you are sorry, say so to him then tell him why you did it..including your full emotions if thats truly why you did it, then discuss who should leave or have it out in almighty fashion and let it take it's natural course from there.

Tortington · 20/12/2010 23:04

yes indeedy the same one

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 20/12/2010 23:26

This isn't a personal attack but it seems to me that you wanted your cake and to eat it so to speak.

You had a sexual encounter, you feel wanted and sexy again so you are ready to pick up life again...because it was alright for you, it would be alright for him, as long as he doesn't go one step further than you.

But he has, and the biggest threat is another relationship, which it sounds like he is propagating nicely.

By adding a sexual fling into the mix you've given him another reason not to stay with you, and another string to his potential partners bow...she could add leverage to any doubts when they are together by reminding him that you aren't to be trusted and could do it again any time...

Plus - do you really think he is investing all this time in a woman he isn't sleeping with? Sorry to sound untrustworthy but it's happened to me...

Perhaps the best way to figure out what's going on would be to move out again, it must be very intense living like this. Can one of you go to sleep or the toilet without the other rifling through personal effects?

The biggest downfall to a marriage is lack of trust...it will be a huge task for the pair of you to rebuild it together..

TDada · 20/12/2010 23:28

sorry to hear about your turmoil. Two main possible reasons for getting back together:
i)if you still love each other
ii)possibly for sake of DC

I know that the second reason is controversial but I do think that it is a factor in relationships and often part of the bond between a couple. No rule saying that people should stay together just because of the DCs but those who work harder on relationships because of the DCs shouldn't be criticised either?

A workmate of mine is in a broadly similar situation to your DH - we chat about it - and I know that he still loves DW but they seem somehow stuck in no man's land. Try to simplify things and tell your DH that you would love to simplify things IYWIM?

MrsRhettButler · 20/12/2010 23:36

imho emotional is worse than physical

i answered your question

TDada · 20/12/2010 23:39

I don't think that the question is helpful as there isn't really a correct general answer? I think you ask the question in the hope that emotional is worse and fear that physical is worse....both you and DH will have to let go of some of the history, save using it in a constructive way if you want a future together.

Eurostar · 20/12/2010 23:44

What's worse is that you are involving two other human beings in your messed up relationship. That makes you both low as far as I'm concerned unless you have been 100% straight with them that you are only available as a fuck buddy using them as an experiment in your disordered relationship. Don't know from your side what you have told the man, if he shows any signs of getting fond of you, make sure he is clear that this is sex and nothing more for you as you want your DH back. You have seen that the girl likes your H - yet you worry only about your own jealousy rather than her getting messed about. Not good.

IAmReallyFabNow · 21/12/2010 08:22

Custardo why the name change and was it you with just the TT part of your name?

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