why do I get so disproportionately pissed off with SIL (or even the mere mention of her name)? This latest episode has me and DP fuming!

[MadreInglese]

SIL is bossy and arrogant and likes to think she knows better than anyone else. She takes pity on us poor idiot plebs and generously distrubutes at any opportunity her pearls of wisdom on how me, DP, and pretty much everyone should organise their lives, finances, relationships and children (despite her having a whacking wage so no money worries, having been engaged five times, and having no children). She pisses us off and tries to interfere all the time, she and DP are not close and luckily she lives a few hours away so we don't see her often.

Christmas is always a stress with her because she tries to organise everyone and sort out big extravagant pressies that we can all club in for, etc. This year she announced that she doesn't have as much money due to a job change so could we set a limit of £10 each which is great and something we've been suggesting for years.

Our pressie from her arrived the other day in an enormous box, very heavy, with a message that she'd changed her mind and blown the £10 budget and got us something else that she saw and knew we needed.

It's a microwave (other relatives have told us, we haven't opened it yet). We have a microwave. In fact when she visited a month ago we had a conversation about how little we use the microwave and were thinking of moving it from the worktop into a cupboard, so why on earth buy us one?

It's embarassing that we've all stuck to the budget SHE demanded this year and yet she's just blown it on an expensive gift. It's bemusing that we had a convo with her on how little we use the one we have. I'd never buy someone something so large for their house without checking first that they want one and what kind/colour/size would be best. DP and I hate waste and do not see the need in replacing things that work perfectly well.

We don't know what to do really. We can't give it back to her but neither of us want it in the kitchen as it'll piss us off when we look at it.

It probably all sounds very pathetic and ungrateful being cross that someone's bought us an expensive gift but it's more that it represents the looooong history of SIL thinking she knows better than everyone else (eg when we announced that I was pregnant recently everyone was really happy for us apart from SIL who lectured DP for half an hour over how we should get married before the baby arrives, even though anyone who knows us knows that marriage is not a priority for us)

WWYD? Anything or nothing? I am clouded by pregnancy hormones and the automatic red mist that seems to descend whenever I'm involved with SIL.......

I don't blame you for being pissed off.

If I were you I would (calmly) say 'look SIL, we have all stuck to the £10 budget expect you, thank you bla bla bla but we don't want a microwave as we were thinking of getting rid. Take the microwave back and just get us something for a tenner'

Just stand up to her. You have got a wonderful excuse - if she gets all huffy puffy you can just trill 'but I'm pregnant' in manner of Denise Royle .

except you I mean

I don't know what I'd do about the SIL (but DO NOT feel guilted into getting her something else) but can you not return the microwave to the shop if it's boxed? Most chains would do an exchange in the NY.

Or find someone who needs it - is there a local project providing furniture for homeless people setting up from scratch? Or freecycle? If it's going to annoy you - get rid.

Is there any chance she got it free with a new kitchen or something?

Do you think she knows that you don't want it and is hoping that you will give it back to her?

Maybe she really wants a new microwave but is skint and her DP/DH is saying that they don't need a new microwave, so she is buying one for herself in a roundabout manner?

Trying to think of reasons for the odd behaviour - why would you insist on a budget, then ignore the budget while buying something that you know the recipients don't want?

Give it back - tell her you don't use the one you have. It's pointless keeping it - as you say it'll just take up space. She obviously doesn't listen to anything you or dp say - I wouldn't worry about sounding ungrateful.

sell the microwave through small ads in your paper and use the dosh to get something you really want.

or donate it to a charity, - maybe there's a big issue seller near you who really needs a microwave if they are vulnerably housed?

at least this way something good comes out of her being an arse.

oh, just tell her you already have one, so does she have the receipt to return it, or should you ebay it or does she want to keep it herself?

Make it clear that no matter what, you won't be keeping it or using it.

Ignore the not keeping to the £10 budget. If you're happy with what you've got her, then the amount shouldn't matter.

trillian - she just changes plans/rules/arrangements all the time at the last minute with no regard for anyone else

I'd love to just give it back to her with a thanks but no thanks, might make DP do it as it is his sister, although I could play the pregnant and hormonal card

I do, however, quite like the idea of donating it (eg to local homeless housing project) and letting SIL know that we've passed on her generous gift to someone who will benefit from it

FWIW I wouldn't get rid of your microwave if you are pregnant as it was the only time I really used mine - to warm up baby food.

Disclaimer: I know they recommend that you don't but if you stir it really well it's fine!

I also had a microwave steriliser. I breastfed so didn't use it for bottles but I did use it to sterilise my nipple shields in the early days when they were still sore, and also food bowls and spoons for the first couple of months after she started solids.

Actually my mum bought me mine for Christmas three weeks after I had had dd2 as my old one had died years ago and I had never seen the need for another one - but I ASKED for it as I knew I would need it. She always asks me what I want for Christmas - I don't go round randomly demanding kitchen appliances off people.

Having said that, as you already have one you don't really need another one.

I would do as others have suggested and point out that you don't need one and to take it back. Alternatively, accept it graciously and then take it back to the shop for a credit note :)

I'd definitely give her the microwave back, and say "We already have one thanks". Sher sounds extremely irritating, but its really down to you and DP whether you let her get to you or not. If she tries to tell you what to do, just say "No, we've already got plans"

There's nothing to be embarrased about in her having said one thing then done another - anyone who knows her or you will know she's moved the goalposts.

Why did DP let her lecture him for half an hour? I think you both need to be more assertive at telling her to butt out.

x-posted with EVERYONE else who already suggested taking it back

I bet she won it in a raffle or sum mat and didn't want it so offloaded it on you making her look generous and saving her a tenner.

I never use my microwave either, excepy for reheating cups of coffee.

It just sits there in the corner looking at me.

I would give her the option straight:
We already have one that works fine thanks, and we don't use that one as it is; so you can either have this back, or we can donate it to the local Women's Refuge/other worthy cause. It is of NO USE to us (and if you ever listened instead of thinking you know best you might have realised that!)

but of course, it's easy to say all that in my head - I doubt I'd say most of it out loud. Would definitely tell her it's unwanted and unnecessary.

If you do ever get married, she WILL give you a toaster. Or a pasta maker or something that you will never ever want or use and that is not on your list, should you have one.

The thing is we can't secretly get rid as she will visit in future and want to know where it is. Although actually that could then be the time to tell her!

AMum - because he's conditioned into it. She won't do it to him if I'm there but get him on his own and she just starts lecturing. To be fair he was arguing back with her and not just listening but I do think he should just shut her up with a 'no' rather than get embroiled in a discussion.

We don't see her often so she doesn't have much impact on our day to day lives, actually I wonder if it is the fact that she's so uninvolved with the whole family with living far away that she feels she needs to throw her weight around and boss people about to reaffirm her position as 'boss' (in her head)

Chrysantemum - OP has already said that she has a microwave but agree with you about hosw useful they are when you have children.

yes, not getting rid of ours but just going to shove in a cupboard as we hardly use it

And you care what she thinks because....?

I agree with AMumInScotland. You need to set up a strategy of boundaries and rehearse stock phrases to manage her. Learn to say "No"; "No, we are not going to do that,(but thanks anyway)" and repeat until she moves on to someone else.

On she lecturing her brother...short of and ipod/earbuds , I hope he just glazes over and responds with a 'oh, really?' and "oh, I see" at the appropriate intervals, but refuses to engage her. She is probably speaking at him rather than to him, iyswim.

She is using you all as supply to her superioriry complex (not to diagnose or anything-but that is what it sounds like). Do not participate, merely tolerate.

I think she must have gotten the microwave somehow and is regifting it to you to "kill two birds with one stone"-so clever, isn't she?

Yes, this has triggered me about my own sister...
TMSB wanders off to 'congradulate' squirrels rampaging birdfeeders.

"congratulate"--

Madre, you are going to have to stand up for yourself one of these days.

Give the flaming microwave back, or give it away, sell it whatever you want.

IF she asks tell her, "we had a MW oven already, we didn't want it or need it"

If you sound ungrateful so be it. You don't actually CARE what her opinion of you is. YOU are suiting YOURSELF.

toomanystuffedbears has some fabulous techniques. memorise them and use them like a broken record. stay ICE cold and calm. She will lose it, you must not.