am I expecting too much of friends/MIL after separation

[helicopterview]

Just wondering why some people are so unable to give the right support - even if they've been through divorce themselves - 4 months after H left following his affair.

Anyone else find this? For example:

dc's godmother (who is married now but has been divorced) turns out to be arranging more stuff with my ex socially than with me, and not telling me. Like it's some big secret, that I'm outside. Obviously it's a mutual friendship, but I feel insulted that she'd keep stuff secret from me.

Ad my MIL (who has also been divorced) has not been in touch since we split up. Nothing. Nada. So I sent email to ex H saying it's unbelievable. Then a few hours later a text from ex MIL arrived saying just 'do you want to meet up'. Not how are you, how are you coping, must be difficult, which is really all I wanted. Don't particularly want a meeting with the woman who has never expressed disappointment at her darling son's affair. Just thought she might understand a little of what I'm going through and sympathise.

Or is that asking too much????

I feel for you - it's horrible. I've always been very grateful to my ex-PILs who maintained contact regardless, cheerily sent me Christmas and birthday presents regardless - and I'm still close to ex-MIL 15 years later. But so many friends were just too embarrassed or crap to know what to do with themselves. One friend of first-H's did write to say "I'm not surprised you left him" though :o.

You're not asking too much. We're not in the 50s - there's no scandal attached anymore.

Sorry - posted too soon. I mean it's not like a separation is "news" anymore; the etiquette shouldn't be beyond people - or indeed just being nice shouldn't be beyond people.

No you are definatly not asking too much.

I would be tempted to text back "no thanks" if she couldn't support you or express concerns for you when you needed it most do you really want her to now?

My H left me temporarily but I was overwhelmed with support, not only from my own family, but from MIL and FIL. They were both utterly disgusted when DH had an affair with a colleague and they told him so.

Sounds like your MIL doesn't actually like you and didn't in the first place. I would keep contact with her to a minimum - I don't think I would have complained to XH about it, I would have kept quiet and just let it lie because if someone doesn't want to support you, they won't. Or they will just upset you more. She has clearly sided with her son.

You aren't asking too much.

Yes I guess that's what I think too about MIL. How bothered can she really be about me? Talk is cheap, I don't care if XH says she feels goodwill towards me. What has she actually done about it?

Another friend whose XH also had an affair felt she was able to maintain a relationship with MIL, because MIL was absolutely disgusted with her son. That must help a lot.

I also think that, given that MIL's own H had an affair and left her 20 years or so ago, she should get it.

Doha - did text back no thanks! And I added it's because I believe she and I see what my XH did differently.

Just a different pov, but from your post re mil, I reckon she has wanted to get in touch but had no clue what to say or whether you wanted to talk to her. She had text you now, if she didn't care she wouldn't bother at all. Talk to her, I'm sure she must find it hard to admit her son is at fault, but at least she is offering.
I'm sorry you are going through this btw.

domefavour - I can see what you mean. But if someone really cares, why not just send the odd email or text saying 'thinking of you', or 'hope you are OK' or whatever. No need to ask to meet, or ask for anything in return. Just sending out messages of support.

Why wait for 3 months and a complaint before asking to meet. A face to face after all this time seems in at the deep end anyway. I dunno, it just seems unsupportive from where I am, and what I've been going through since discovering XH's affair.

Yeah, but that's what you would do.
Well what most people would do. But we're not all the same. She could be embarrassed, mortified even. Still doesn't really excuse it, but she could have her reasons. I'm not your mil btw!

There are two questions here really-
should you expect your MIL to do anything/ express sympathy/ offer support? the answer from your perspective should be to not expect anything. expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.

Should she offer some support/ call you? Of course the answer is yes. particularly if it was her son who had the affair. and even if she secretly is on his side. she should still go through some motions.

MILs vary immensely i guess and there are very few of us who get the genuine gems (i don't mean that in a sarcastic way).

Helicopter just my experience but it will be different for you because you have DC involved. My MIL phoned my a handful of times after it came out about XP's OW. She was devastated but talking about it was always just too painful both for me and for her. I didn't want her to be upset, my pain was enough for me to bear at the time so couldn't deal with hers. However I was always disappointed that she never gave her son a good talking to and a shake. He never wanted to fix things and work at our relationship so just ran off with OW. After over a month of no contact, MIL has sent Xmas card but I am not sending one back. I can't forgive him yet and until such time arrives I don't think I can ever play happy families with her. I am trying to be honest to myself and trying to fake that everything is nice and friendly between us would just feel false. I may be punishing MIL at moment but she knows it is down to her son, not really my choice. Luckily with no DC it is easy for me to sever all contact, although not easy emotionally of course but it's just another thing I have to detach from. Sorry if this doesn't help you. x

PS: (i didn't get one of the gems, maybe you can tell!)

I'm sure my therapist would say not to waste energy on other people who you can't change and are disappointing.

Just keep doing my thing, to my own standards and satisfaction, and not get sidetracked by other people's poor handling of situations. Or something like that!

Helicopterview, your MIL is in a difficult position. If you want to maintain contact with her, then contact her. If you want her to slate her son, then don't. As for your DC's godmother, she does not have to tell you about her social plans with anyone.

The fallout from your marriage breakdown is still going on. Other relationships have to be renegotiated. Not nice, but a reality.

I'm not sure why your kids' godmother not telling you of her social plans means they are a "secret".
I don't generally discuss my social plans to meet other people with people I am with. That's my business. It's different if she's lying about seeing your ex, but if she liked both of you then she maybe wants to keep seeing both of you. Alot of people resent 1 part of a couple feeling mutual friends should take sides when a couple separate.
If you like both people then the whose fault it was stuff is often irrelevent to staying friends with them.
I don't meet up with my MIL without my husband now so wouldn't expect to do so if we divorced. She's his mother, not my friend. Some women are friends with their MILs though and then may want to meet up, but I agree she's unlikely to want to discuss the separation or hear you bad mouth her son. I also wouldn't expect my MIL to discuss her disappointment with her son with me, but with him. How do you know she has never got upset with him about it?
Few people believe that people who are happily married leave marriages, other woman or not.

I think you need to remember that you're only 4 months on from your break up. Sadly, the fallout can go on for some time. Everybody you and ExH knew - family and friends - will now be having to readjust to their relationships with you. For some people this will be pretty significant - I'd imagine you MIL's perception of her role in her son's life will have changed massively. He will be her priority now. Hopefully given some time you will be able to get your relationship with her to a place that you're both comfortable with but it isn't too much of a surprise that you're not quite there yet. I find it strange that you're upset by her behaviour but then send her a text saying that you don't want to see her - even is she did only make contact after her son told her you were upset, that doesn't diminish her offer to meet up. Why not try and communicate verbally rather than by text?

Re Godmother and other friends - these things just take time. Have you been proactive about keeping in touch with people or have you been waiting for people to get in touch with you? Some people might just feel awkward about the situation.

Make a few phone calls (not texts) to friends that you are comfortable with and can trust. Explain how you're feeling and get their perspectives. Explain that you need some support. Could be way off the mark here, but for some reason it strikes me that you may not be too comfortable letting people know that you're upset and need help? Pretty normal for a woman who has been cheated on to feel she has to be strong and not show vulnerability. Thing is, unless you're open about this in your friendships, you may well find that you don't get the support you need right now. Apologies if that's completely wrong.

deepheat I never pretend I'm OK. I don't talk about it much at work, because it's an escape for me.

But at home, my friends know. Maybe some people think I should be pulling my socks up by now, and expect me to be 'over it' for some reason. I suspect people who have not been where I am, understand the grief and anger. I wish I was 'over it' but can only go with how I really feel. I'll not pretend for anyone that life is now totally sorted!

Hello HV. Obviously I know your story and because of that, I winced when I read some of the posts on this thread. Few people leave a marriage if they are happy and there is no-one else on the scene, but it's frankly laughable that people don't leave marriages that they were perfectly content with, before they met someone else. The presence of a third party is absolutely the material fact here. There are sadly huge numbers of people who convince themselves that the new person is their true love, until the next new person turns up, that is .

You've got DCs and your MIL is their grandmother. I absolutely understand why you feel short-changed by her inability to enquire about your well-being, but unfortunately a lot of people are absolutely hopeless in these situations and hide behind doing nothing, or communicating remotely by text.

Because of the grandparent relationship, I would be inclined to be open and honest with your MIL, either by phoning her or seeing her. Tell her that you've been disappointed by her reaction and give her the opportunity to explain. With your friend, take a similar line. Explain that you understand why she wants to stay friends with both of you, but you'd rather she was honest and up front about how often she sees your H. This gives her "permission" to be open about their friendship.

In my view, your feelings are entirely understandable. Because of my knowledge of your situation, I know that you are justifiably angry about the cowardice of your H and the years of secrets and lies. I am very glad to see you write that you won't pretend otherwise - that is healthy.

I find that unless this has happened to someone personally, people are remarkably insensitive to how long it takes to discharge that anger and disappointment. 4 months doesn't even touch the sides, frankly. If you ever get any sense from people that you should have pulled your socks up by now, challenge it most vigorously. Your whole life was turned upside down this year and everything you'd believed for years before that was cast asunder.

You haven't fallen apart. You've carried on working in a very demanding job, you've cared for your DCs virtually single-handed and you got yourself some good therapy. You're doing just fine, but you are entitled to still feel angry, sad, disappointed and any emotion you can care to think of. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

WWIFN - thanks. So any new emotions to grapple with. Nice to have someone say that's OK!