Don't know what to tell dd, have I let her down?

[carrotcake29]

Very long, very detailed history with my parents has recently meant that I wrote a letter to my parents telling them that I no longer wanted contact with them. I was exhausted at their selfish, cruel and spiteful behaviour with people and I had a real resentment towards how they brought me and my dbros up. Anyway, this happened about a month ago and I have not had a response to my letter. My parents have told the rest of the family that they will not contact me again.
I am however extremely worried about how my 5 year old and to a lesser extent my 2 year will take it. I honestly expected my parents to come forward and apologise and ask to build bridges (which I was prepared to do) but they have not. I have since then realised that they have not sent their christmas cards to my children and will not send them any presents. I almost expected them to try and keep up some contact with the children or atleast fight for our relationship a little.
I am in the difficult position now of explaining to my daughter as she is now asking when we will see them for christmas etc and I have no answers for her....I feel I have let her down.

you wrote to them saying you did not want contact with them any longer but yet you expected them to come forward, apologise and try to build bridges. Maybe your letter was so emotional that you did not make it clear really what you wanted from them IYSWIM

You said you want no contact with them and they have told family members they will not contact you again. Essentially they are doing what you said you wanted.

Not sure how to go about this. Anyone in the family who you could see acting as an intermediary here?

you wrote to them stating 'no more contact' yet you are surprised when they abide by that?

anyway. could you arrange for one of your Dbrothers to take your DCs to see their GPs?

This sort of situation is discussed in Statley Homes thread, if you want to go and have a look at it x

hmm

Writing a letter, i guess you hoped so much for them to see the error of their ways, or recognise that they have hurt you?

By writing it down you have put it out there in the open and they havent responded how you wanted them to. It was a risk you had to take. I think you now have to try and accept that they and their behaviour isn't going to change over night or even at all.

For now you will have to make an excuse to your dd, because I doubt you will hear from them before xmas, as you havent done yet.

I do understand, i did letter to my parents about 10 yrs ago. Yet i was not a parent myself so didn't have to think about any effect on anyone cept myself. My parents did respond, havent changed much, but i have managed to move on and over these ten yrs accept them more. Mostly, accept myself and say to myself i am worthy.

For the moment i should concentrate on xmas, on your xmas, on family you do see, and friends you can lean on and share with.

Your parents, i can't speak for, only you can know how they would have reacted, what sort of people they are.

op did you truly expect them to react how you wanted them too, with a view to reconcilliation? Did you think that maybe they would be angry for a while. Did you think they might just not understand? I am not sticking up for them. Maybe they will send your dc's something this week? How can they have a relationship with their dgc's and not you?

Thanks mummiehunnie.
I am not making sense - I can see that. I have posted on the AIBU thread as well and I explained myself a bit more there. Sorry - ignore this post. I am just feeling upset for my dc although I know I have made the right decision. Thanks everyone for reading.

piratecatclaus - thankyou for your answer. I think they reacted exactly as I thought they would. But I hoped once they understood how badly affected I have been and that they would lose me and my children they would admit some faults. I hoped and it did not happen. I was silly, they would never change or see they were wrong. I need to get a grip I think!

I think you are making sense but when people haven't personally experienced this kind of family set-up, it is difficult to understand how best to tackle things

Of course you are upset for your dc but I think it is ok to feel upset for yourself too. This "selfish, cruel and spiteful behaviour" is an ongoing problem then?

Yes it is - ever since I was a child and my mum moved in with my step dad when I was 5. I have struggled for so long but now that my children are being dragged into their spite I needed to do something. Control is the best way to describe my family set up. I had to write everything in a letter because I could never talk to them face to face and stand up to them.

if your dc are being dragged into this spitefulness, is it really so awful if they don't have contact to their grandparents?

Not at all but I dread the questions when they get older. My step dad was not 'proper' towards me and my mum defends his word to the end. I do not ever want my children to be exposed to that but my daughter is too young to understand and I hate the thought of her holding me accountable. She is only 5 and she wants to see her grandparents.

poor you

there will be an age when she understands and that would be the time to tell her

In the meantime I am not really sure what you can do. Could you just say you won't be seeing the grandparetns this Christmas but you will be meeting up with her cousins (something like that) - avoid it a bit.

Thanks danzzzenaroundthetreeagain, nothing else I can do for now. Life will be better now they are not in it. Thank you for replying so quickly.

As long as you're sure you don't want further contact, I would abide by that and don't try to explain why to your dd. Children see things differently from adults and she will probably forget them easily as long as she is allowed to do so. When my closest living relative-an aunt-died a year or so ago, I was sure my dd- then 7- would be devastated. Not a bit of it!! She's never mentioned her since!

Good luck with trying to sort out a difficult dilemma.

we have a simular situation but the other way round. Due to our choice of religion my IL completely diowned us and sent back the childrens photos and our wedding photos. They also wrote nasty letters and emails. We were told we were never welocme there. This did settle down and all was quiet for a while until DH got sick and asked me to call them. They have been in touch but contact is brief and only with DH. I have refused to have any contact with them as have been hurt too many times.
My little girls know that GP dont want anything to do with us as they dont agree with our beliefs and DD1 gets that its a stupid thing to fall out with.

I would explain to your LO that sometimes being together with families hurts too many peoples feeling and sometimes they need time apart to feel better.
I would be tempted to write and explain that they are welcome to have contact with the children if they like (and if thats what you want) but TBH if they are that toxic I wouldnt. They will understand as they get older.
HTH

I wrote to my sister saying I wanted no more contact with her. She persists in getting her DH to write to me on her behalf about once a year. I wish she would do what I asked in the letter... leave me alone.

Your parents are doing just what you asked them to.

I am in a similar position and also have a DD aged five. We sometimes forget that children are incredibly adaptable and tolerant.

I have been no contact with my Mum for 13 years or so and my DD has never met her. She has only asked in the last year or so and I have told her my Mum was nasty to me, neglected me and used to hit me. She's fine about this, mildly curious but I answer all her questions.

Since the Spring I have been no contact with my Dad (and, by her choice, my sister). I started recovering memories of my Dad sexually abusing me so I was clear I wanted no contact with him, nor for him to be with my daughter. My sister claims I am making all this up ahd need 'psychiatric help' and continues to let her DDs sleep in a room next to my Dad. My DD rarely ask about him and I told her we fell out, they understand these concepts at the age of five.

The reason I'm saying all this is because as a parent, you sometimes have to make difficult decisions about what is best for your children. Also, as an adult you deserve to make decisions about what the right relationships are for you. You will find many similar experiences on the Stately Homes threads. Also IMO my sister has made massive compromises (including I feel safeguarding her children) in order to have a 'happy family'.

It is particularly difficult at this time of year when there is this rosy family-centred picture of happiness presented. For many people, this is not the reality.

You are queenofwhatever...I think I feel worse because of the time of year. Just hate to think of all things being said to the rest of the family about me and I have no say really because I don't want to stir and because I live 5 hours away. I have no family left now and feel very isolated.