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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Very unhappy - AGAIN.Do I stay or go?

25 replies

shatteredmumsrus · 19/12/2010 17:58

Me and dp have been together nearly 8 years. I have a 10 yo son from a previous relationship and we have a 6yo together. As youmay remember we have had problems before with his drinking. We have a social club on our road that he goes to every weekend and a couple of nights in the week. I dont enjoy it and its boring. Children are allowed and we sometmes take them but not v often. He watches the footy up there with his pals. He does ask me to go but I dont. This weekend for example he worked til 12 yesterday and went up there at 3 and come home at 8, ate dinner then fell asleep. Today we went shopping , then for lunch and he went up there around 3 - not back yet.He asked me to go and said that i think i am too good for the people up there. I just didnt want to drink. I have explained to him that we need to spend some time together. Our sex life is crap too - he 'comes' v quick and says its because we dont do it often enough. Sorry to be so blunt.I txt him and explained i felt pushed away and hurt and he says i need a lap dog! I said we have hardly spent any time together and he said i could of gone up there. Im dreading him coming in and feel so lonely and hurt. He doesnt respect my feelings at all. He works really hard and provides for us all. We have no relationship tho adn without the kids we will have nothing.What do i do, am i being sensitive?

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 19/12/2010 18:03

you've said it really, you have no relationship

going with the children to watch him drink and watch footy is hardly a good family/couple activity that;s going to bring you closer

when do you talk? when do you just spend time together, companionably?

the drinking would be a big big issue too

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 19/12/2010 18:06

some nights when kids are in bed and he isnt goin up the club. We watch tv but dont really 'talk'. I can tell he finds it boring. Oh god I am so fed up. Its xmas and i am crying into my laptop over the same old thing. If i were r We have 2 beautiful boys and a homeIf i were reading this i know what advice id give.We have 2 beautiful boys and a home.All he has ever known is drinkers, family and friends. There is a big drinking culture in the area he grew up in and now live.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 19/12/2010 18:08

:( sorry you are going through this (again).

He really isn't living the 'family life' is he if he spends a lot of time up there on his own. I mean, you don't have to be joined at the hip - but if you spend all your leisure time apart, it's not much of a life for you and the kids.

I'm not sure what you have tried before talking/dates/agreeing on other places to gou out to/chill at home night/counselling?

But the bottom line is you aren't happy and that needs to change - one way or another.

You aren't being 'sensitive' he's being an incondsiderate bore and you don't have to put up with it. You just have to decide how you are going to deal with it.

ChippingIn · 19/12/2010 18:09

So if you were reading it - what would you say?

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 19/12/2010 18:13

He asked me to go to relate before and i said no but i want to now so a third party can talk to him. He thinks its me. I agree i wouldnt want to be joined at the hip either. If i ever go out he takes them up there anyway (most of the time) and it worries me.He thinks leisure time is drinking up there. He didnt even know what to drink in the house before he met me. He used to say what am i meant to drink tea! EEEErrrrrrr yes. He probably drinks 4 out of the 7 days, 2 of them are the weekend. It has got to the point where i dread the weekends because the club is always part of it

OP posts:

FrostyAndSlippery · 19/12/2010 18:14

I don't think I could put up with that. Relationships need work to avoid these ruts.

In your shoes I'd be offering an ultimatum tbh - things change or go separate ways :( sorry.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 19/12/2010 18:14

id say he is an alcoholic and it is affecting your family. He needs to change or you split

OP posts:

FrostyAndSlippery · 19/12/2010 18:21

Would DH get angry if not able to go there? Does he need the drink? Being an alcoholic doesn't necessarily mean getting drunk IYSWIM.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 19/12/2010 19:15

cant imagine a scenario where he couldnt go there tho.He is in 10yo bedroom playing ps3 now with a bottle of bud - he brought some back. I told him i want to go to relate he said ok. He said im a control freak and insecure. I swear i wasnt like that before and he has made me like it. He also gambles - not alot but regular.He said compared to what he used to be like hes good and im still not happy. He said just cus i got no mates.He said he stopped in Friday, as if he s dong me a favour

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 19/12/2010 19:23

I'm going to tell you what a very wise woman told me and she knows exactly the situation she is talking about...

^Add message | Report | Message poster shatteredmumsrus Sun 19-Dec-10 18:14:38
id say he is an alcoholic and it is affecting your family. He needs to change or you split^

I don't think just talking to each other is going to get you anywhere. I suggest you ask him to call Relate tomorrow (give him the number) and book an appointment. See what you can do with some help x

FrostyAndSlippery · 19/12/2010 20:19

Oh dear :( doesn't sound good. I am curious though as to what he'd say if e.g. you asked him to not go for a week.

The fact he's turning it round to make YOU look like a control freak is very worrying.

The other thing to consider is, if the drinking and gambling stopped, can you imagine the relationship getting back to a happy state?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2010 23:16

I am

OP, why did you reply to yourself as if you were another poster ?

Anniegetyourgun · 19/12/2010 23:22

Because she said she knew what advice she'd give to someone in her situation and ChippingIn asked her to spell it out.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2010 23:25

ah, ok

sorry, got confused there

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2010 23:26

I agreed with it, however ..

gettingeasier · 20/12/2010 15:03

I had this with the Golf Club. Except it was 7 days out of 7 and all of one of the weekend days too. He had an array of reasons why this was ok and he only ever described it as "popping out" even though it would be 3 4 5 hours at a time. I rarely asked him to stop on the basis that if he doesnt want to be here with me whats the point of making him.

This went on for a decade and then he left for the barmaid at said Golf Club last Christmas.

I am well rid of him and a year on much happier than sitting here being treated like that. Its not easy at first but worth the rollercoaster ride to be free of that kind of behaviour.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 21/12/2010 17:39

thankyou for your replies. If I said I didnt want him to go he would say i am controlling him. The barmaids are quite alot older than me and mostly young men. It does happen!lol We have spoken and are going to go to relate. He agreeed with me that he shouldnt of gone Sunday aswell and he was selfish. Should I feel more hopeful?

OP posts:

gettingeasier · 21/12/2010 17:55

Yep the barmaid is older than me ,only 6 years mind you

As to feeling hopeful ? Words are cheap wait and see if he makes any changes without your boot up his bum.

FrostyAndSlippery · 22/12/2010 07:57

Good luck with Relate, OP :)

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 29/12/2010 17:19

thanks all, let you know how it goes.

OP posts:

WimpleOfTheBallet · 29/12/2010 17:28

Do you do anythin for yourself? Hobbies? GO and see friends?

Eurostar · 29/12/2010 23:05

Aw Wimple asked..what are your interests? What would you like to be doing with your time alone and together?

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 02/01/2011 18:50

I work 3 days a week and see my best friend whenever we can meet up. I go to the gym and have many friends. If we get time together i like to go for nice meals. He doesnt like the cinema tho. When we had a weekend away we used the spa together etc...

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/01/2011 19:07

Shattered

You've had 8 years of him, do you really want another month let alone year of this?.

You have been writing about your drink dependent/functional alcoholic man for at least the last 2 years. Go back and see your postings on him (there are many) and also the replies you've had.

You have got nowhere with him and continue to do so. It will be forever the case if you remain with him.

Bet you as well that the Relate appt will come to nothing. This is because he does not want to hear what is being said to him.
If he subsequently refuses to go to Relate then I would attend this on my own.

All you are to him is his enabler within this broken and now deceased relationship. Is this all you think you are worth?. Your self esteem and worth must be through the floor if you think that any of this is okay.

You enable him and you're as caught up in the merry go around of alcoholism as he is. You need support from Al-anon and they for you would be a great help. Your whole family unit is being affected here and badly so by his alcoholism. Alcoholism is a family problem. He may well have two children and aa nice home but the drink comes first and his primary relationship has always been with drink. Everything and everyone else comes a dim and distant second.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. Two words suffice - damaging lessons. If you choose to stay with this man (and you do have a choice) your children have no say. They see all of what is going on here; all the unspoken crap that passes between you both. They will not thank you for remaining with this drunkard longer term and could well accuse you when they are themselves adults of putting him before them. They could well go onto despise you for putting them through such a bad childhood because you were too weak to leave. You currently run that risk of that scenario one day happening.

susiedaisy · 02/01/2011 20:14

the thing is even if you get him to stay at home and drink instead of the club, i am guessing he will be as miserable as sin and would clearly prefer to be out with his mates drinking, god i could of written that bit, and i put up with it for 17 years, my (recently) exH never changed in all that time of talking, pleading, shouting, and ignoring it, hoping it would burn itself out, unfortunately if someone is very happy doing something and doesnt think enough of the other person to change then IMO they never will, sorry to hear youo are going through this.

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