Expectations of a stay at home dad

[notsohappyfamilies]

have namechanged.

I asked my DH to leave today bc we were having the same argument and I finally after years and years of going round in circles had just had enough. Feel fairly bereft tbh.

Essentially he changes jobs every year or so, alternating between two types of work in particular. At the moment he is a SAHD after he chose not to reapply for his job a year ago (was on annual contract).

DC are 6, 4 and 3. The two eldest are at school, the youngest spends half of each day at pre-school. I'm out of the house 6.30 am to 6.30 pm three days a week (work from home the other two) so he does a fair bit of childcare. He also does some DIY but there is rarely healthy food, kids have no playdates, no admin, no Christmas presents, hardly any tidying. We have a cleaner who is great and comes once a week.

He's wonderful with the kids but spends a lot of time chatting with them and others and just isn't into the housework. Last July he decided he wanted to go back to one of his types of work but so far nothing.

I work full time and spend most Saturdays tidying, washing, putting clothes away, cooking etc. By Sunday I have most of it done. I was starting the usual routine this morning and was so angry that I ended up finally saying that enough was enough. We've talked endlessly about it particularly for the past four years and he keeps asking for one more chance. We haven't done counselling as money is tight and he thinks it's a waste of time.

He's a lovely man but so laid back he's horizontal. Swears he's going to change and then carries on exactly the same way as before. I'm worn out.

any advice? (be as honest as you like).

My dh is very laid back as well. He is tidier than me, we did 50 / 50 on cooking and washing up, but he never cleaned or did washing and lots of other stuff.

I had a breakdown in October, and while our domestic situation wasn't the reason, it sure doesn't help to see your other half sit on his arse while you run round like a blue arsed fly doing what has to be done.

I sat him down and said no more, this is killing me, we are going to draw up a rota and stick to it. It can change, it must be one that works for us, but I am not doing this a minute longer. Since then he has been guilt ridden lovely. He is a creature of habit so now he is used to doing much more, he just does it.

He will let you do it all for as long as you keep on doing it.

He sounds like a great dad from the point of view of talking to the children, and no doubt they have a great relationship with him, which tbh will do more to shape them into well balanced individuals than whether the house is hoovered.

BUT having said that, he should be doing more. The children Aren't that small, and are in school or preschool, so its not like he has his hands full all day. You are working f/t and therefore he should be doing the bulk of home stuff as a matter of course.

thank you both. Nemo, I'm sorry you were ill. I can relate a bit. I started to go down with stress, I didn't realise what it was until a friend talked to me about it. I was in a right old state, it must have been tough for you.

violet - you're right and thank you for saying re him being a great dad, he is, and the kids adore him. I guess I'm worried that there's no time for me to be a great mum as I have so little time to spend with them.

These are the two things that scare me most (1) getting ill again and (2) being so grumpy and frustrated that I have no meaningful relationship with the kids. I have no illusions about being a perfect mother but I'd like not to be totally useless.

My DH is a SAHD at the moment. He went through a phase of leaving too much of the housework for me (I am out of house from 7.50am - 7pm). I would arrive home and he would sit down and watch telly whilst I ran around doing stuff. In the end I told him that his "job" was at home and mine was in the office so he couldn't keep expecting me to do both jobs. If stuff needs doing I ask him to do a share e.g. you iron the school uniforms and I'll do the packed lunches. I don't spend my weekends running around doing everything I do what I have to get done such as washing my work clothes, sorting school uniform etc. I just don't do the other stuff. If I ask DH to wash up and he says he will do it later I leave it... if its still there in the morning..I leave it.
If you keep stepping in then he doesn't need to step up.
BTW this is really hard to do and sometimes I have had to sit on my hands

I think he's taking the piss big time tbh.

No constructive advice as I just could not live in the scenario you describe in your op.

That he spends his time with the children talking to them is great.

That he spends his time with you watching you work while he sits on his lazy arse is shit.

Being laid back is lovely. Expoiting your wife is nasty opprtunism.

If you can't make him see the difference, then he might as well leave.

I'll be open that I'm a Dad and our children live with me a large part of the time. I'm not into housework either and do the minimum. I work 5 days a week, but wouldn't ever spend a whole day doing housework. But he should do more if he is at home all day.

If he's a SAHD wouldn't you be expected to move out and the children stay with him? Or have I missed something.

A lot of mothers here say they don't like so don't do much housework.... If a man came on here complaining that his sahm dw didn't do enough housework so he's asked her to leave, would people have the same reactions?
Just curious. Fwiw I get really fed up with dh whenhe doesn't help with housework enough and we both work ft so I'm not sure what I think on this one - just reversing the situation...

i kind of agree star, and i think that housework needs to be shared out according to who is in the house the most iyswim

i am one of those women who hates doing housework, but as such I have a cleaner to do it for me! lol my job is keeping it tidy enough for her to actually clean

op- you need a serious sit down and work out who does what. I have found it helpful with dp (we're both useless tbh) to have specific jobs that are his

so, I always cook dinner in the evenings, he then cleans the kitchen afterwards.
He also is in charge of the bin which I hate doing.
I do all the clothes washing, but he often does the tumble dryer cos it's out in the shed where his computer is

He always complains that he doesn't know what needs doing, so by giving him particular jobs that he has to do he can't claim not to know what he has to do!

I do think he needs to pull his weight more though. he has every morning with no kids in the house.... what does he do:????

to be honest though, if he won't change and won't go to counselling i'd be giving him an ultimatum

I grew up in a home with a sahm who was definitely not a housewife. She is shit at housework, and does not do much, never did. She thinks an untidy house is a sign of good parenting.

But she still kept the house running - laundry, food shopping etc. during the day and at the weekend my parents shared housework and my Dad did all the cooking and most of the washing up.

I've done similar when off on mat leave. Like Truck, I'm not into housework. I would never spend a whole day doing it. When I'm off with my children, they are my focus. If I can get a few bits done to make life easier for all of us I will, but housework is not my priority. Whatever is left to do at the weekend we share.

The problem here is not that this man doesn't do all the housework, it's that he doesn't do any of it. When the family is together jobs should be shared. If one parent is sitting on their hole watching the other run themselves ragged, there is a problem, regardless of who does what in terms of childcare/earning.

Agree with a lot of what you say spidookly. I'm currently SAHM, one child in school and one toddler. My house is pretty messy as I'd rather spend time with the children than have a spotless house.

However, I do focus on cooking a decent meal everyday, and keeping on top of the laundry. I see that as part of my role - purely because I'm around more and can start cooking at 4pm after the school run for example. DH is responsible for clearing up afterwards.

thank you. this is dreadful. appreciate the advice both positive and santas. the thing is I generally do try to leave it but when the stuff is a foot high and there's no food I get so frustrated and he's sore at me for going from 1 to 100.

feel like I'm ruining their lives. this is so hard.

Someone on here once said something that struck a chord with me. Its not so easy to judge who does the most work or the hardest job but its very easy to see who gets the most free time. If you don't get any while he gets loads thats not fair.

You will not have an automatic right to have residence of the children.