How can you tell if your husbands having an affair - short of a private investigator???

[MrsRigby]

Married for 4 years with 2 children aged 2 years and 2 months.

He has a go at me every day, has stopped kissing me goodnight and has said that he doesn't want any more children.

He also works away alot and goes on a lot of work night outs.

The other night, he went down to London for the Christmas Party. He never rang me on getting back to the hotel before going to bed, usually he does.

I checked his mobile txt's before, normally he has his mobile with him all the time - he takes it with him into the shower of a morning. Anyway he sent a message to a male colleague telling him that there were lots of seriously hot women here (at the party).

What do you all think???

I don't know if he's having an affair but he sounds detached from you and distant. That must be worrying and upsetting.

I would be pissed off if my DH made a comment like that to another guy about 'seriously hot women'.

Can you ask him what's going on for him right now? Ask him why he seems to be having a go at you each day - that in itself must be really wearing. It will start chipping away at the love you have for him, if he continues in that way, and I'd want to let him know that.

I don't think he is being faithful to you.

If you don't mind me saying, I think that is awful. 2 months after having a baby,(not long after a first dc) the last thing you want to experience is your dh commenting about 'hot' women.

Obviously I don't know what he's normally like, but I can't help wondering if he is not coping too well with the responsibility of 2 young children and is being immature and selfish by escaping on nights out.

I know it's christmas etc, but I'd have thought if he works away alot he'd want to spend as much time at home as possible.

Do you have a gut feeling something is not right? I'd begin by asking him directly.

Not sure if the above is very helpful

Not sure what to think but what a horrible felling. You need support and nurturing just now, you've brought a new life into the world which is fab but exhausting.
Take care and try not to torment yourself.

I asked him before if he still wants to be with me and he just went quiet. When I pressed him for an answer and told him he could have a divorce if he wanted one, his reply was I could get a solicitor if I wanted to.

When he next came back in to the living room (he went to bed at 9.30pm), I asked him why was he still with me and did he love me. He replyed that he loves his wife/MrsRigby, but not the person I am.

I still don't know what to think.

He tells me that I won't let him see his friends and family - I've never stopped him and he say's he doesn't have a social life. He says that when he does go out, I give him a hard time for it both before and after. I don't. He turns everything around on me.

I have no family or friends and no money, so I wonder if he is just staying with me, because he feels sorry for me or if he's staying with me because he thinks I won't allow him access to the children.

He say's his Christmas and New Years holidays were cancelled, but I wonder if he cancelled them because he didn't want to be around me.

I'm trying not to cry.

loves2cycle your right, the more he has a go at me, the more I love him less. I don't know if I even love him anymore to be honest as I'd be happy to agree to a divorce if that's what he wanted. I think I'd even let him have an affair if that would make him happy and leave me alone.

When he's away, I manage probably better than when he's here and I think I'm happier too.

wherecanihide yes, I have a gut feeling.

I'm really trying not to cry, but when I look at my youngest lying on my lap, full of cold ...

It doesn't sound good MrsRigby.

I can't believe he said get a solicitor is you want to! As for taking his phone into the shower . Where is he tonight?

Oh that's awful mrsrigby, I'm sure you don't deserve this at all. Like others have said you have just brought a new little person into the world, and you deserve to be nurtured during this special phase of your life.

Don't let him distort your reality because it sounds like he is trying to do that. This may be a phase, maybe he is struggling with the responsibility of 2 children and maybe he is seeing you make a very natural change to being a person who is putting the needs of a toddler and a baby above her own needs, and her husband's needs - and maybe he doesn't like that.

Keep strong for you little ones. Keep talking to him. Can you start by telling him the things you love about your relationship and asking him if he wants to get back there?

In bed - needless to say, he's taken his mobile with him.

Good that I've still got a sense of humour.

Apologies about the spelling, considering I'm a secretary, it should be better .

loves2cycle I can't think of anything about our relationship that I love.

That is odd - about taking the mobile to bed and shower. Unless the charger is by the bed - is it? Otherwise can you ask him why he takes his phone with him everywhere?

You need to get a bit practical incase this gets worse. You say you don't have family around - do you have anyone who can help you nearby? I really hope this is just some random unhappy behaviour on his part, rather than an affair, but just incase can you try and focus on practical things?

Really? What about how your relationship was when it was last good? How long ago was that? Can you remember the things you used to love about him?

I can't remember when our relationship was good. I can't remember what I love/loved about him.

OK. Things are not good and i think he has probably gone awol. There is a problem and you are not able to communicate with each other. This could be because he suddenly finds everything overwelming and you probably havent had the family support to take some of the burden from you.

This is where to start. He is hostile but you need to communicate. Keep calm and start by getting the book by Andrew Marshall: How can I ever trust you again.

Next. Keep as positive as you can. Go walking with the pushchair everywhere. Walking boosts the positive chemicals in our bodies. Remember you are a fantastic person who has coped with two kids in 2 years and been smart enough to know you need help to repair your relationship. Tell only a couple of trusted friends, and only the those that wont say "ditch the b***d. it's too soon to be antagonistic. In any relationship the two of you play a part in it's success and its problems so dont be a victim but instead think about what can be put right by yourself as part of that process.

next. Get your family or who you can to give you some time out to boost your well being. keep walking and keep being positive to yourself and your partner.

next. Dont think about the next month, just think about managing the next couple of weeks.

next. Having read the book think about how you can plan to ask him to talk about your distance with each other. Maybe write a letter. Dont give up. He loved you enough to want children with you so here is a chance to repair and move forward.

Best
Baytree

It takes two to have children so i am assuming he was happy about having the children to begin with? I don't buy the stuff about men being scared by the responsibility, or at least I think if that does happen to men, it's usually men who would fall at the first hurdle anyway.

He is treating you cruelly. Working away, lots of nights out, glued to his phone, not being upset at the mention of divorce. I think it's time to ask him straight out what his plans are, as they don't seem to include you.

Do you have close friends?

Hello Mrs Rigby. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. Has your husband not adapted very well to having children? It sounds like he is being very selfish complaining about his lack of social life and moaning about you when he should be giving you all the support he can.

If you are worried about him having an affair you need to do a bit of digging. Hopefully you won't find anything but it should help put your mind at rest and then you can start working on the difficulties in your relationship. If you do find evidence of infidelity, well then you will be able to make a decision about what to do next.

When you get a chance I would check his phone for messages, calls and internet history. I'd also check his phone bill if you can and his emails if you have access.

I'm so sorry. It's very sad to say that you can't remember what you love/loved about him

I don't think I would be able to 'keep being positive to your partner' if he responded to 'do you still want to be with me' with silence.

I have answered your thread in aibu.

Am really sorry but I think he is up to no good and wants out of your marriage.

It sounds like he doesn't love or respect you at all

Please try to look after yourself and decide what it is you want.

I've just had a look at your other thread. What reason does he give for not liking you breastfeeding? That's just crazy!

The comment wouldn't bother me if it everything else was good. Could for instance have been texting a single colleague and telling him to get down there so he could meet someone.

However, the rest sounds rubbish and the taking the phone to the shower etc. certainly seems a sign of hiding something from you.

1. Appears to have distanced himself from you and dc i.e doesn't seem bothered about hurting your feelings y saying hurtful things. Also spending a greater amount of time than usual away from you. For example going out with mates a lot and occassionally not bothering to come home for the night. My husband used to walk in at noon the next day.

1. Flies off the handle in temper ore easily and more frequently.

1. Appears to be under pressure, stressed and more anxious than usual.

1. Any excuse not to wear wedding ring.

1. Stops mentioning people at work.

1. Mobile phone is GLUED to their person. I noticed H was taking it everywhere with him. He wore it in his pj bottom pocket at night.

1. Hearing him txting or messaging on said phone at night.

Having said all that, relationships can recover from affairs.

I'd be very watchful mrsRigby , and very sneaky. When he is asleep after alcohol I'd check his phone and emails.

Keep calm and strong.

MrsRigby, I see that he feels sorry for himself that he doesn't have much of a social life with two such young kids, well, do you have a fabulous social life right now!?! Or are your two young children the priority?? So, he expects you to make all the sacrafices for parenthood and simultaneously feels sorry for himself. Even if he's not having an affair, his position, or his sense of entitlement would piss me off. Having tiny kids and working is hard work.

I'd call his roving-eye bluff and call a solicitor. Tell him 'good luck with the hot women'.

Ps, if you can't remember when your relationship was good, or what you loved about him, then losing him won't be such a huge loss, honestly. The adjustment and the telling everybody and all the 'sorting out' is the worst part in those circumstances.

Why are you with this shit of a man ?

Infidelity or not, he doesn't deserve to have you.

Get rid of the selfish fucker. "You can see a solicitor if you like..."

Ok, get on the phone in the morning.