Lundy Bancroft Book

[BreakFree]

I ordered it and it arrived the other day. Been hiding it, but went to bed early tonight and started to read. I really think I am going to vomit. I am sure I am having an anxiety attack
Its all just hit so so hard. I feel so stupid for being in this situation for so long.

'I am so embarrassed. So ashamed. I am a terrible mother and I am never going to live this one down in my family's eyes.'

No you're not a terrible mother. The embarrassment and shame are the cage he has built around you -- nobody would wish any of what you are experiencing or what your DCs are experiencing on their worst enemy, and your family will not want you or the children to suffer.

Don't worry about disrupting the children. There is never a perfect time for doing what you must do. The best way is to do it in an orderly way, with documents and precious possessions removed quietly, while you build up your emotional strength and your sense of purpose as you do what is necessary. Taking those little steps towards the good life your children will have will give you so much courage.

If it's hard to break it to your family, maybe write a letter and drop it off to them and ask them for their support and help, that this is serious and you've given it your best shot but it has become plain that there is no point in trying any more and for the sake of the children you must leave and soon.

WA can help you with your DC's SNs and much more besides.

Still shaking this morning reading back over this. Going out for a ramble around town now hope fully it will relax me a bit. Thanks for yor messages. I will be back later to post.

It is shocking, breakfree, when you first read that book. It's like a horror story (your life with your partner) unfolding before you, It literally keeps giving you shock after shock, as you identify and relate to what you read, and the awful reality hits you. I am glad you have taken yourself out for a while; you need this to give your brain a chance to process this information.

Reading this book and the feelings you get - being ashamed, humiliated, a fool, stupid, weak, pathetic, the guilt - hard to take in one big blow.

I know the guilt is hard to bear, and I am struggling with this. (And my shame is worse because someone else took the decision for me; I don't know how I will ever live with myself). But listen to the others on here, it is not your fault, you didn't do anything on purpose, you cannot control another person and how they choose to behave, and you have been affected by being in this relationship. It is not your fault, OP.

I am really pleased for you Breakfree that you have seen the light. And you can use this to move towards a better future for your dc and yourself.

It takes a long time for this realisation to happen often.

Thank you for the update. I hope that the shock is not continual for you x I hope that you get a chance to work out an exit and find the time to let us know what is going on, incase we can support you in some way x

Wnen I first read that book, it was from the safe position of hindsight (I had literally just left, and read it about a month later).

I can imagine the fear and panic you must be feeling, but you can do this. You can pretend to him that all is normal, while making plans. Humans can do amazing things when life or death is at stake.

Can I just add to the list of things you might want to keep safe/stash away. Personally, I remembered photo albums. But all my old letters from friends over the years that I'd stored in the loft, the bastard found and destroyed. I miss them so much.

Just wanted to try to think of other things you might not want to lose. These men care for no one but themselves and he may well want to 'pay you back' in whatever way he can.

I remember when I first started realising things were badly amiss in my so-called marriage -- I was in a book club and we read 'Don't Sweat the Small Things in Love', and as we all sat around discussing those small things, I had absolutely nothing to add to the conversation. Nothing I was dealing with with exH counted as a 'small thing'. I felt numb driving home. I graduated to the Bancroft book after we had split, having worked my way through many many others, but Why Does He Do That covered absolutely everything.

Still trying to work out my exit.or rather, his hopefully. He seems to be totally oblivious to my feelings on "us" or just chooses to ignore it as another one of my phases. Only this time I feel its not. I want more from my life. I want consistent happiness and freedom to be who I am not who he wants me to be. I want to be loved and respected by a man not insulted and controlled and made to feel like nothing I ever do is right. I don't want someone who doesn't respect my family or choice of friends. I want someone who doesn't call me names in front of my children and shouts and bangs doors in a tantrum because I disagree with his opinion on something.
I was out for a night with a friend last week and it was liberating. I had so much fun and I forgot my problems for a few hours
I want my freedom!!

You go girl!!

It's such a good feeling.

For a good 1 or 2 years after we escaped my abusive ex, I felt I could do anything! I signed up for all kinds of things that I couldn't before because I never knew which days I'd be a quivering wreck (which was most days really).

Freedom feels SOOOOOOOOOOO good. Go for it. Be careful. Keep posting.

Thanks MOSP I love to read posts like yours because it means that people do get out of these situations, often worse than mine I would confidently say and they are now so much better for it of course.
I love this website. IT has really helped me so far and I hope it will continue to, you girls are fab.

MOSP. I know exactly how you feel. I am worried about taking on any commitments etc. because I can never be sure of what state I will be in on a particular day. In the end you do get frustrated because you know, deep inside, that you are more capable than how you have been functioning;it's just harder when it's been going on a long time.

I have managed to achieve small things (completing courses/passing exams) even though very often when attending I felt an absolute wreck, and it took me all the strength I could muster to even attend on a particular day.

mathanxiety - I know what you mean. You realise that, every day, you have been dealing with enormous crap, drudging around at the bottom of the pond, whilst other people are dealing with everyday stuff (most of the time;ok, everyone has problems), but, when you are dealing with consuming, negative stuff you get in some situations, you are permanently distracted, and miss out on just everyday life, let alone simply having a bit of lovely fun which lifts your spirits, and makes you realise there is more to life than STRUGGLING.

Breakfree-I'm glad you had some fun with your friend. Remember that feeling, how nice it made you feel, that your life can be more like this, rather than your mind being consumed with this stuff.

And that is what is often lacking in these situations - consistency/not being able to depend on someone/not to be able to trust them not to pull the rug out from under your feet.

That's really it deludedfool (I feel unconfortable calling you that!).

The lack of consistency is often what the abusers create purposefully. That's crazy making.

I used to know the minute the day started whether it was a day of abuse and violence. I could just tell. And nothing I did or said (or didn't do or say) would make the slightest difference.

They do it on purpose.

And yes, I remember just watching other people's lives, and tinking that they have no idea what stress means. Living with an abuser is like living with a dementor. They suck all the life and individuality out of you.

I'd rather sleep rough for the rest of my life than live with 'smeghead' again.