Help me deal with mind f*** games

[BringOnTheGoat]

H left last week. He came over to 'see' DD for the first time weds (spent 10 mins with her before her nap as he got times mixed up ). Wants to have 14mo DD overnight at OW home (which he moved into the day he left us). I said no - think DD needs to get used to him not being here and to seeing H alone. Also think it is too early in their relationship to allow DD to form an attachment to another adult, as they do form attachments so quickly at that age. H has depression and alcohol abuse issues which I think he needs to 'prove' he has under control first. I suggested we give everything a couple of months to see how things go.

H said he would call yesterday to let me know what he thought - he wanted to seek legal advice first as he cannot see why DD should not be with him overnight straight away. When he didn't call, I text to ask what was heppening, he said he was waiting for solicitor to call today and would call then. Still no call today, tried to call him at 8pm - no answer.

Am getting angry and I know that is not the way forward for me. Any advice or words of support would be greatly appreciated!

There was a similar thread here recently - was that yours, too?

There's no way that I would let him have the child overnight at the moment. This poor child doesn't know why he's gone and obviously won't be familiar with where he's staying. And the nerve of him, too, expecting you to let the OW be with your baby so quickly.

I wouldn't be in touch now. Let him go to a solicitor's and see what they say.

Try not to get angry. Offer alternatives, but stand firm on the overnight.

Probably I did an AIBU about the overnight as I knew I'd get harsh responses and he has a way of making me feel IABU. Luckily it went that IWNBU as I KNOW I'm not.

I am offering alternatives- I have a feeling his solicitor has agreed it is too early for overnights, which is why he hasn't called.

Am just so aggrieved that he walked away like I was nothing and he continues to act that way. He was like this when we were a couple. Promises, promises and no delivery. I'd get angry and be blamed for my temper. There is only so much one woman can take!!

It's not you though, he's the one who is an utter cock.

Look the man is not thinking of his child at all, he is a silly fool. I think these men want to play happy families or don't want anything to do with the child if they can't have complete control of the situation!

As someone said this is all about him, not your child! Don't allow him to drag you down with his mental health problems and damage your child!

Good point

I feel annoyed with myself for it all though - for marrying, having a child and putting up with him. I feel annoyed with myself for letting him get to me, even though I know that's what he wants.

I am annoyed with myself that I am angry with OW - have always blamed the man but I feel a tangible anger for her, knowing he was married with a baby and not caring.

Most of all I'm sad

I think it's only natural to feel all of those things. It's still very early days.

There are nasty, selfish, predatory women out there and I would class any woman who would happily make/take advances WRT a married father in that category. I'd be tangibly angry too. I'd blame both of them TBH.

How easy to go into work, flirt, think he's a nice guy, I fancy him, oh he's having marriage problems, me too, ooh it's meant to be - she's probably not nast - just blind and selfish and a MUG!

Well you're a better woman than I am. You sound incredibly grounded and gracious

Don't be fooled - if we met in the street I'd have far less gracious things to say - in fact I'd chuck some serious monkey poo!

Reality is - I hate her - but it's ALL on him - he was married with a young baby. He's a shit husband, father and person. She's nothing to me. I just can't bear the thought of her cuddling MY baby

And neither should you. She should have no access to your baby. Have you had legal advice here? I don't have any experience in this side of things but it sounds like you have good reasons to not allow your DD to go to OW's home.

By the sounds of it he's going to end up as a shitty partner to her too, at least they can roll around in their own poo together. You're well rid.

Now there's a mental picture I didn't need

I have sought advice - it will only be a matter of months before he can have DD overnight - it kills me to think of that!

But you will always be her Mum and no-one will ever be able to replace/add to that.