Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dp wants space

30 replies

happiestblonde · 17/12/2010 14:41

don't know how to namechange.

Dp of about a year and a half wants space. I've had a hard time over past couple of months because I hate my job and had a bad smear (among other things) and i made huge error of leaning on him in a suffocating way. I have felt so sad and insecure that he now feels miserable because he thinks my happiness is entirely contingent on him and I'm trying to stop him seeing his friends. This is not true but I can see why it appears that way - he works away for a couple of days most weeks and often socialises in the evening. This is of course fine but I recently had the tendency to think, in my insecure spiral of sadness, that he will forget about me and so got a little bitchy about this. He also went out with a particular female friend that I have/had reservations about this week and said he'd be home at 9pm but actually got in at 6.30am after leaving the bar after 12 (despite my many calls) and the girl fell drunkenly so he took her to hospital. I expected an apology but now realise I shouldn't mind how late he is out anyway.

This all came to a head and he's told me he is miserable and feels a huge burden of my love. I know I have to take control of things and be more secure which I can do - I've never been like this before - but he now wants space and I'm terrified this is the end. Our relationship has always been wonderful, effortless and amazing - he's my best friend and I feel awful for leaning on him so heavily. I want him to realise how this is not me and I can easily fix things but I don't know how. If I push him or cry anymore it will make things worse. I don't want to tell anyone in RL as I don't want the drama. I don't know what I'm looking for here, perhaps just someone to listen or care that my heart is shattered. I don't want to lose nmy best friend - not because I can't cope without him but because I love him and until recently we made each other so happy.

OP posts:
Teaandchristmascakeplease · 17/12/2010 15:07

Do you think some of your insecurity is due to the fact he was unhappy in his previous marriage had a few dates with you and then ended the marriage. I know nothing physical happened until he ended the marriage with the his wife. But do you think deep down inside as things have been so fantastic between you in the last 18 months and you also had a very active sex life. Do you think when things turned it made me you more anxious than necessary due to his history? I'm probably not making any sense Confused

He may think you're verging on being bunny boiler, which of course you're not. However perhaps he overreacted and of course you did too.

I think finding the balance on giving him the space he has asked for but also for you to let him know you're sorry for your part in this and want to work things out is very tricky. But it can be done, assuming he hasn't now got his eye on someone else? Hope not.

Teaandchristmascakeplease · 17/12/2010 15:10

Delete me

Sorry. Typing fast inbetween dealing with the kids.

I'm sure you'll get some far wiser people than me on here later but as you also posted on our ditched thread I wanted to come across and post on here Smile

Original poster
happiestblonde · 17/12/2010 15:18

Thank you. I know she made him cut people out of his life so he's very susceptible to jumping to panicked conclusions about this. Ny feelings have nothing to do with his marriage, it was a strange situation that he left after years of unhappiness.

I'm so, so sad. I love him more than I've loved anyone before and I so want it to be okay. I know how to fix it but this limbo situation is so hard. I'm happy to give him space, time etc but it's hard.

OP posts:
RitaLynn · 17/12/2010 15:26

Happiestblonde,

Please excuse me if I have the wrong end of the stick. Your partner left his wife for you, didn't he? And he's a bit older if I recall.

Is there a chance you were having what was termed an "parachute relationship"?

Original poster
happiestblonde · 17/12/2010 15:30

I don't know what that is. Yes he is a bit older, not much. They had been living separate lives, she was seeing someone else, he left her and that coincided with meeting me but wasn't the cause.

Please don't make out I'm a husband stealer living a lie, it isnt true and we have been so happy for the last 1.5 year.

OP posts:
Original poster
happiestblonde · 17/12/2010 15:30

I don't know what that is. Yes he is a bit older, not much. They had been living separate lives, she was seeing someone else, he left her and that coincided with meeting me but wasn't the cause.

Please don't make out I'm a husband stealer living a lie, it isnt true and we have been so happy for the last 1.5 year.

OP posts:
RitaLynn · 17/12/2010 15:35

Sorry, I wasn't accusing you of anything and I don't know the facts. I think a better term is exit relationship.

Men IME tend to quite bad at leaving a partner, and will often have a new partner to go to, and typically, those relationships don't have massive success rates.

I clearly don't know what's gone on in your case. I remember your DP was your university tutor.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 17/12/2010 16:18

Hi Happiest, sad for you.

Do either of you have any kids?

What does he want to happen now?

UrbanPatiencekeepinitreal · 17/12/2010 16:25

Use this time apart to do some serious "ME"work Happiest,find out why your arent peaceful in ur life ,do some reflection ,ur right you should be able to look after urself alot more and not be so insecure ,work on ur self esteem and self confidence ,loads of great counsellors out there [also lots of poor ones mind you so pick someone that is right for you ]just see them as a personal trainer for your emotional health,have you read co dependent no more by melody beattie.
Its shite when you get dumped [not saying you have been]but better to come back healthier than keep repeating the same mistakes ,take care x

ElfPantsAtMidnightMass · 17/12/2010 16:38

I'm going through a similar thing, though for different reasons, Happiest. So so sorry to hear about this, you always sound so loved up :(

Are you going to stay living together or what? How are things standing atm?

It is shit - I can be reduced to shaky upset fairly easily atm, but you WILL be fine. Have you got a good RL friend to talk to?

Original poster
happiestblonde · 17/12/2010 17:53

Bugger just deleted a long post.

Basically I hate my job (recruitment) and feel constantly patronised by the people I work with. I want to do a phd but need funding and so all this uncertainty brought out a very neeedy side of me. I'm neither possessive nor controlling, I never have been, just sad. Now I'm aware of the problem I can fix it but I don't know if he will give me that chance. I hope so, our relationship is/was wonderful.

We live together, no kids, but flat lease is up in January :( I don't want us to move out. I don't know what he wants aside this weird 'space' idea so that's what I'm giving him, going out tonight and tomorrow and not contacting him much. I don't feel I need him like he thinks I do but I do feel he is my best friend and losing him would break my heart, the bit that isn't already shattered.

Elf - I'm sorry. What's going on with you? How do you cope day to day?

OP posts:
Teaandchristmascakeplease · 17/12/2010 21:00

Happiest that must be hard living with him as well.

BringOnTheGoat · 17/12/2010 21:11

If he was your best friend - wouldn't you be able to lean on him heavily in a time of personal crisis without him needing space?

I feel we all deserve for our partner to support us through difficult times.

If he can't see you're struggling and it will get better as you do, maybe he's not right for you?

mathanxiety · 18/12/2010 02:32

'I expected an apology but now realise I shouldn't mind how late he is out anyway.'

So why is this? Why can he live his life as he wants, basically, while you are out of line somehow for asking him for support when several aspects of your life are going tits up all at once? That is a one-sided relationship with all the benefits for him, while you are supposed to turn into some sort of model of emotional self-sufficiency.

When a man wants 'space' and he has helped a drunken female friend very pate one night and returned at 6:30 am, and the lease is up in January, it means his plans for the future do not include you.

mathanxiety · 18/12/2010 02:32

*late

Original poster
happiestblonde · 18/12/2010 19:27

It's over, I'm 98% sure and so horribly sad partly because he's the one in my eyes and partly because I know how to fix the problens abd it's such a waste of something so wonderful :(. I feel so empty, sad and shocked,can't even start contemplating the reality of moving oyt, moving on etc

OP posts:
Original poster
happiestblonde · 18/12/2010 19:27

It's over, I'm 98% sure and so horribly sad partly because he's the one in my eyes and partly because I know how to fix the problens abd it's such a waste of something so wonderful :(. I feel so empty, sad and shocked,can't even start contemplating the reality of moving oyt, moving on etc

OP posts:
ElfPantsAtMidnightMass · 18/12/2010 20:05

Oh angel, it sounds incredibly shit. Do you think maybe he's a bit of a lightweight and was only able to enjoy the relationship while it was all fun? Because if so he's certainly not "the one" for you, or for anyone with a normal range of human emotions. Better to find out this about him now then when you're stuck at home with PND or something else bad happens in your life.

Can you go and stay with someone for a few days? Are you spending Christmas apart?

(I'm coping alright day to day but the uncertainty is a fucker. My tactic is going to be give him all the space he wants and more until he realises he's being a dick. Basically. But it;'s a complicated situation really )

iPaddle · 18/12/2010 20:14

I'm really not a suspicious person and I cant comment on the reasons why you think it could work when he doesnt etc, I tend to think if one person wnats out its irrelevent what the other wants/thinks.

But, are you sure nothing happened the other night with this woman? - sounds dodgy to me and he does sound like the type of person who wont leave a relationship til someone else comes along.

Avoidingargosthischristmas · 18/12/2010 20:23

Sorry but I think he has someone else too.

It's a sweeping generalisation I know, but they usually do.

I think you need to get out of there, let him see the reality of living alone, he was with his wife before and then you. Your lease is up soon anyway, leave and do not look back. It is the only way. If you hang around there hoping he will change his mind it will just get worse and more painful. A clean break.

Btw are you sure that all the stuff he told you about his wife was true? It just sounds so classic, the undermining of the previous relationship to justify jumping feet first into the new one.

FWIW I don't actually think you have done anything WRONG here at all. You leaned on him in a way that you should be able to in a decent, supportive relationship. He sounds weak to me but at least you know.

Original poster
happiestblonde · 18/12/2010 20:42

He's never really been through any real trauma before. He's always been the one to walk out of a relationship. He is intolerably self assured - noone wants someone consumed by self doubt but he has always been the golden child and now will not give this another chance when we were so happy for so long, we get on stupidly and I love him with my entirety.

I did not know sadness like this was possible. I'm devastated. About the other girl - he is insistent no and I do trust him, she has a boyfriend of her own etc. SAD

OP posts:
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 18/12/2010 20:57

I am sorry Sad, you sound like you are really hurting.

If I am honest I can see a lot alarms bells in your posts, eg "he has always been the one to walk out of a relationship", yet he didn't walk out when his wife was having the affair? Sorry but it doesn't add up.

I think you are hurting badly and he has done a pretty good number on you in letting you think it is your fault, when he is in fact rather shallow and possibly NPD thus able to detach so easily. You probably don't want to hear this now but IT IS NOT ALL YOUR FAULT!!! it really isn't.

And really if you were SO happy, then why is he ending it? Of course no-one has to be in a relationship if they don't want to be but I honestly think there is more going on here under the surface with this man. Don't you think it is bad enough that you are not in the relationship you want to be in anymore without beating yourself about it being ALL YOUR FAULT? Because even from just reading your posts I can see that it isn't.

ElfPantsAtMidnightMass · 18/12/2010 20:58

Listen happiest, you absolutely need to go now and talk to your oldest/most reliable/best female friend. You need a talking to, in a kindly yet firm manner. Have you got such a person?

Original poster
happiestblonde · 18/12/2010 21:49

What does NPD mean?

I feel like noone cam help. My dad's panicking that I'm falling to pieces and to be honest reassuring him is all I can do because it"s true.

I'm only 22. I can't believe someone else has such power over my happiness, I used to be so strong and I don't feel that has changed but this is the hardest thing (mother dying aside) I've ever been through, I feel like my insides and ripping apart.

OP posts:
Original poster
happiestblonde · 18/12/2010 21:49

What does NPD mean?

I feel like noone cam help. My dad's panicking that I'm falling to pieces and to be honest reassuring him is all I can do because it"s true.

I'm only 22. I can't believe someone else has such power over my happiness, I used to be so strong and I don't feel that has changed but this is the hardest thing (mother dying aside) I've ever been through, I feel like my insides and ripping apart.

OP posts: