I am considering breaking up my marriage-long but I need advice

[enuffsenuff]

I am so sick of my H. He is not a bad man but he is a lazy slob. I have had enough of nagging, asking, taking, shouting about his mess. It never gets any better.

We are in a rut our sex life is a bit crap, nice when we do but thats about once every 3 months.

He's a bit selfish with money.
He's moody all of the time, brings work "baggage" home, everyday has a face like thunder when he comes through the door. I know he has a stressful job but home should be a haven not a punch bag.

Every DIY job gets left until I threaten to get my dad over or pay someone.

He's a good dad to our dd and does a fair bit there but I still do so much more.

It's just the drip feed of rot, I feel like he has made me into a housekeeper, i work 3 days a week in a very challenging emotionally draining job but he fails to recognise how difficult it is-becauase for the most part I get to do lots of fun activities at work he thinks the job isn't difficult. This undervalues me.

He never seems to appreciate what I do at home. If I clean he never comments. if i try to discuss all this with him he only listens if I row and cry. i dont want this everytime I have something to say-if i try to discuss it he just gets surly and starts bringing up other stuff or logging onto the computer and ignoring me all evening.

We have had issues in the past and had 3 rounds of counselling including one of Pyscho sexual therapy. It was a lot better for a while but I just feel that over years i have done enough to keep us together but here we are slipping back into the same habits and I am not getting enough out of it to be bothered trying to make it work anymore.

I think I still love him but that is so clouded with everything else i'm not sure it's enough anymore.

We tick along most of the time but it's boring, theres no effort. I can't remember the last time he did anything that took any effort with me, anything spontaneous, romantic or loving. I'm not after big gestures but breakfast in bed would be nice occasionally.

It seems there are many of us in the same boat at the moment enuff
You didn't say how long you had been married, but it's probably a while isn't it? It seems like a lot of men just stop trying in a long term relationship (if indeed they ever made much of an effort in the first place).

Obviously one doesn't expect or even want the in love/infatuation stage to last forever, but one would hope that a deeper more mature love would take it's place. By that I mean a love where one's basic needs are at least met. Everyone will have different needs that have to be met in order for it to be worthwhile continuing in the relationship. Some of mine that currently aren't being fulfilled are - feeling valued, being treated with consideration, feeling wanted sexually and emotionally, feeling that I don't always come second to DH.

The usual scenario is that despite trying counselling, talking, reasoning, pleading, nagging, crying etc nothing works and the man just carries on as before. Now that behaviour is sending a clear and unmistakeable message which is as follows:
"I don't really love you anymore but I'm comfortable staying here, having full access to the DC, and having full domestic service from you, including the odd shag when I could be bothered. I know that I can just ignore you when you moan and complain about the situation because you don't actually have what it takes to kick me out. If I meet a younger more attractive model, then I will give you the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' tale and move on to pastures greener."

Being a good dad doesn't make him a good husband. You seem to have tried everything and now have 2 choices left to you - the first being to accept things as they are, and try to find happiness and fulfillment outside of your marriage, the second being to leave him. You sound like a capable person and I'm sure that with sensible co-parenting you could make things work well for yourself and your DD.

Good luck, I know from experience how difficult it is to walk away from the situation that isn't good but also isn't terrible.

enuff... I don't have any advice and I agree with onlyone.

Everybody deserves a good life and a good love.

If you were your best friend, what kind of advice would you give her?

I just left. I was fed up of trying so hard to make it better, going to counselling and explaining how I felt and not seeing any changes. He wouldn't go so I moved out and left him to run the house and look after our DC (late teens.

Now he is missing me and saying all the things that would have helped ten years ago. He appreciates all I did and realises I am sexy and gorgeous. But he is too late and I can't face going back and putting up with his miserable ways again. "Face like thunder" sums it up. Who would want to look at that every day?

Let your DH know how serious this is if you think he could change into someone you really wanted to be with. If not just make a new plan, Stan! Drop off the key, Lee and get yourself free!

Life is too short to be miserable

onlyonelife - that's a brilliant para - 'I don't really love you anymore.......Do you think there are loads of men who think like this?

Yes, lots of men think like this. And they won't change, because as far as they are concerned, women are not people. They're 'women' which mean they exist solely in relation to men, they are men's domestic appliances (and shagtoys).
But, as with any behaviour from a partner that you find upsetting, there is no magic button to make the partner change. So you really only have the two options: find a way to live with the upsetting behaviour, or get rid of the partner.

I am not underestimating at all how miserable it must be to live with a man like this - just because he doesn't beat you up or spend the bill money on cocaine doesn;t mean he's a good partner if he treats you with such contempt, and it is contempt to carry on behaving in a way that you know upsets a partner and which you know, perfectly well, is selfish, because you basically think that you are more important than your partner.

deluded I second SGB - there are a shitload of men who think like this. Why do you think so many men only leave when there's another domestic service provider (ie OW) already lined up?

There are some twattish blokes around but I'll put my bit in why a proportion of men stay in marriages that are dead, it's because they know that there is a good chance they are going to see the children every other weekend, that the house will be a 60-40, 70-30 split at best and if they are the main earner they'll be paying a good proportion of their money over for years.

Not saying this is right but that is the impression I get why some men stay in marriages that are finished.

Do you appreciate him?
Or do anything spontaneous loving or romantic?
Not having a go, it sounds dire, but just trying to see it from another point of view.

SGB - and when you start thinking 'he's not being very kind to me' and you think, 'right, you can do your own ironing washing', you just become more unnecessary. And, they cannot bother to speak to you, but if they are lucky, they can still have an available shag if they fancy it. (OK, I'm stupid).

Deck - but, yes, fair point, it does work both ways.

Truckulent - I've heard that about 70% of divorces are instigated by women.

deluded, i hear that statistic a lot and IMO it's reasonably meaningless. my xh instigated our divorce legally but I left him and the end of the relationship was entirely my choice. likewise I think that a lot of relationships end with exit affairs, and it's a moot point who actually decided things were over, even if the woman ends up being the plaintiff in the legal case.

sorry for hijack

i'll be honest, I could see this situation turning around. It does sound as if he cannot let go of his work stress and because you manage to, he thinks you don't have any. Really frustrating.

enuff, do you still love him ?

I have been in this situation and so has my mum. Im divorced and 33. I was with my ex husband for 15 yrs and married for 3. We had our ups and downs we met when I was only 17. We had our DS who is now 5yrs old. I can remember feeling just like you accept ex did not want to go to counciling and did not do much with DS. He was obsessed with playing games on the PC. I used to get really pissed off! He worked full time ans so did I my DS was 3/4 months old I went back to full time work as ex wanted mortagage paying off quicker. I did not want this and ended up breaking down and having a part time job. I ran the house and worked and looked after DS. I remember certain things like being exhausted and sorting out the washing DS crying and my ex just playing on the PC. I really had enough I left my wedding ring on the PC and told him when your ready to be a husband give it me back! He never did. He was a total arse. He did not want the divorce as why would he? A woman that works looks after DS 90% of the time washes cleans housework why would he? So you have to sit down and take a breath and put it all together. I stopped doing all his washing and cleaning. I just sorted me and my DS's stuff out. Childish yep felt good.... Yep!! He soon asked where things were I said oh dont know. I left to live with my mum and took DS with me. Men do not like to leave the house they are too lazy and most of the time as they are the high earner are the only ones who can afford to run it on their own which leaves you with being brough out. I did this he brought me out after months of messing about and him pleading for me to come back. I felt that after 2 yrs of not loving him or just wanting him to piss off that was long enough no more!! After I moved into mums I started to enjoy life again. I dated my DS was doing well and I enjoyed life again! Im now with my DP (of 3 yrs) and were having a baby. But my point is life is shit enough and do you want this? My mum is divorced 2 times now. 1st time from my dad who was a selfish bugger and did not give a shit just wanted his tea on the table and was in and out of work mum worked all the time and was always busy. My mum said something one day and its sat with me when I left my Ex. My nan whom I never knew died at the age of 40 due to throat cancer. My mum was sooo upset. The time mum thought of leaving dad she said I remember walking home from work and thinking im 38 now what if I die when im 40? Sounds a little morbid I know what she was saying is that well if I only have another 2 yrs I want 2 good years where I dont feel like shit. So she left dad. She later met somone else has just got divorced form him only a month ago. Same thing he come home with a face like a slapped arse every night. No hello Im home just used to come in put his bag down and say whats for tea? I lived there for a bit when I left my ex and I thought he was misrable then! So after this long winded message I think that everyone is entitled to be happy and sometimes it means doing things that you dont want to do and taking you out of your "comfort zone" but in the long run you will be ok. Good luck with what ever you choose.

I think you should get out, this man is draining your mind and your soul. Only leave when you are ready of course, its easy for someone else to say isnt it?

Try to picture yourself with this man in 10 years time and be brutally honest with yourself - do you think you will be happy? Then try to imagine even further down the line, 20 years..will you be sitting there miserable and full of regret at having wasted so much of your time and your life with someone who doesnt value you? Cant get round to doing anything unless you nag? Comes thru the door after work with a face like thunder, when his home and partner should be his haven against work stress?

I think this man will just bore you out of the relationship eventually.

enuffsenuff

I guess I would say that it clearly isn't working for you. Your DH has problems but you cannot fix them - only he can. You have tried counselling and this has only caused a temporary improvement. I think you need to call time on things - you do not have to burn all your bridges - you love the man he can be, and if he can find that man again then who knows.

I do not think that your DH is necessarily a bad man, but he is in a bad place and you should not join him down there - he may choose to seek help to climb out - but as you have already experienced there is no guarantee that will work for him or that he has the strength and desire to be bothered.

This situation is not exclusive to mens behaviour - I left XW for similar reasons and whilst there were some tough years following I have now been with my current DW for almost 14 years and my relationship is all that I ever dreamed of.

I am sad for you both - but life is too short.

I would like to add that I am contemplating the same thing. Leaving and it's hard hard hard. In a way it's helpful when you've got anger to fuel you, it helps provided momentum.

I have found the posts here really helpful too.

OP only you can know what's best but I really urge you to think of yourself as your best friend. Wouldn't you want the best for her?

You could say to your partner that you are at crisis point and that these are your thoughts. Maybe he'll feel relieved. Although in my experience men often fight to 'save face' and will blame it all on you, even if its what they want too deep down. So be prepared..

I'm not an advocate of splitting up when a relationship can be saved, but if you are both unhappy sometimes it is for the best.

We did and we're both happier it takes time though. I like being single (which it seems a lot of people are scared of being).

And if he is a good Dad he'll get to spend lots of time with his children but will have to look after his own house and himself, I do it, it is very rewarding and could be the making of him.