Missing drama of negativity from ex-husband

[FeelAshamedByThis]

I am missing the drama, of a nasty long winded divorce etc, now life has gone back to what I wanted it to be and what makes me happier. I don't want him back in my life. I don't miss the nastyness. I miss the drama and the attention he gave me even though it was bad, this is so embarrising. I feel so ashamed for feeling this way about someone who was not nice to me. I don't even want him in my life as I am happier without him, I have no idea where this feeling of wanting contact with him comes from. I feel an urge to have contact with him and feel that it is dumb to do that so don't. It is shamefull as it has been years now. I fill my life with good things now, is this normal to miss the drama? He doesn't even see or contact the kids.

I think it's totally normal to miss the drama. But: recognising that you miss it, and recognising that having more contact with him, is not normal - it's much better than normal! I think most people in your shoes would just reengage with their ex, coming up with excuses etc.

As NAFM says, counselling would be wise. Please stop feeling ashamed for your urge, be proud that you recognise your urge, and proud that you are resisting them! People often want ridiculous and unhealthy things, wanting them is fine, taking steps to get them is the problem!

helloNAFMhello Thank you for your in put, you are probably right. I will look into it.

hello NQChello Thank you for your insight, it is nice to hear that I am probably not the only one who has felt way.

oops, can you tell I am new to this

I was going to suggest, in a rather abstract way, a form of separation anxiety. But it's been 'years'...?...so I don't know.

Some things are a habit, routine. Like the brain reel of crap from a bf 27 years ago that pops into my consciousness every once in a while, just to 'touch base', iykwim.

I think it is a process of brain function. To be conscious of the 'urge', yet over-ride it and deny it action is the right thing to do. Keep it up-does take courage and a damn long train of patience for the brain to knock it off already.

Try to fill your brain and time and life with a bunch of new, interesting, positive things to think about. Then your brain's schedule will be too full to revisit crap from the past. Easier said than done especially when the 'urges' are authentically overwhelming.

Counselling, yes, especially if this is eclipsing what is normal for you. Simply avoiding it/maybe it'll go away (as suggested in my previous paragraph) may not be helpful if there is an underlying issue that cultivates this circumstance.

Btw, just so you know, it is ok for things to be 'all about you' and be positive at the same time.

FeelAshamedByThis - I am glad I am not the only one who feels like this too. I am still in the situation you describe in your past history, I am living in it now. And I can relate to what needafootmassage is saying to you.

I have been dumped and am being divorced. I got little (if any!) attention all the years of my marriage from my H; the only attention I got was negative attention. I am ashamed to say that I really believe in my situation it has become like a nasty drug and I am in danger of self-destruction if I carry on craving 'any' attention, which, of course, is going to be 100% negative in my situation.

Obviously, you have been out of your relationship for quite a while, and that you nneed to re-examine your life as it is now to make you feel that you are missing unhealthy drama.

I think, like me, you may have underlying issues possibly which make you feel like you are at the moment which may need exploring to help you improve your life and become more self-aware.

The worst scenario is you become vulnerable to another unhealthy relationship now; believe me, speaking as someone still in one; you DO NOT want to 'go there'. It is hell.

And, OP, I actually feel, now, that in a sick and unhealthy way, the uncomfortable truth is partly that, ashamedly, the 'adrenaline' from the drama, has, like a poisonous drip, kept me going, faced with nightmare after nightmare.

I have had periods where, if I am without 'the drama', I am lost, feel dead inside. The drama has put me into a kind of fight for survival/keep going against all the odds/driven by anger/fear/hurt. It's amazing what adrenaline and how all consuming that is. And then, you are left with nothing - like going into withdrawal - and what do you do with yourself then?

Build and improve your life/make it more fulfilling and go to counselling if necessary and read some good self-help books which I am sure someone can suggest for you on here.

OP, I am starting a 'nasty divorce'. Life is hell. Try and remember the misery of it.

Checking in again from left field...
(I have not been through a nasty divorce; disclosure.) I do have issues with making connections, then maintaining them if I accidentally make a couple of steps forward.

I was thinking more about the 'why?' of it-replaying the crap over and over. The attention aspect of it, imho, is a clue.

Could it be associated with making connections with people? We are social creatures and are wired for fellowship, so I am told.

Is it an instinct to be so desperate to cling to negative connections as better than no connections? This is in agreement with what NeedAFootMassage said. And could be a good question for a counsellor.

Deludedfool, my initial thought for 'adrenaline' is (I don't mean this to sound harsh or insensitive) to link it with "sport" in the same way people get adicted to extreme sports for the physical sensation. Would this make sense? Complex because we get the feeling that, for example, an intense martial arts class would not be the remedy. Imho, again, it may be tied in with the connection with people aspect-creating a complex web to resolve.

The feeling lost without it, could be because the void creates a vacuume, and that will pull you straight back to it...fill the void with something else (we're talking about something positive, right? ).

Sorry you are going through this, FeelAshamedByThis (and Deludedfool)...you shouldn't feel ashamed, btw...you feel what you feel; don't dumb down/numb your feelings, you need them.

OP, find something exciting to do for yourself in your life to fill the 'supposed void' with something positive.

toomany - I also consider myself to be prone to co-dependency.

Talking about the addiction or adreniline of the situation is interesting.

I have been to going to counselling and the counsellor mentioned cortisol - known as the stress hormone. She said it is like an addiction and your body craves a 'shot' when you have been living in a stressful situation. It's like your mind makes you get into situations which will get it a dose of stress.

Bringonthegoat - yes, and then, like me, you can't calm your stress levels down - I am trying my best with various methods, but still being in the stressful situation, it is very hard.

I think it is also a possibility that you forget how to function without all the drama. That will be a long, long process with me.