I feel so sad, why are familys such hard work?

[Theantsgomarching]

It's all getting on top of me today, and am feeling really low

We don't have anything to do with BIL, haven't done for years, which obviously makes things difficult for the rest of DH's family. SIL has been on to DH in tears cause is DN's birthday this weekend and she's upset we can't all be together etc..

We have very very good reasons not to want him near our kids, she chooses not to know why we won't have anything to do with him (fair enough) but this means the issue is continually being raised and it brings the past up again and it's sooooo wearing..

Then to top it all, I am estranged from my dad. He hasn't met my dc2 at all or seen dc1 in 18 months or so. I will be where he lives for Xmas so text him this morning to see if he would like to see the kids and he hasn't replied..

Why is it all so hard? I feel completely wiped out

Absolutely agree with someone further up who said friends are a huge blessing - I think they are the family we CHOOSE to have.

This sounds really tough, and you sound firmly embroiled in the middle of the BIL/SIL thing. Horrid! How about - just for now - your DH taking more of a lead role with that situation? SIL is demonising you for some reason (is this her pattern? Doesn't want to believe any 'ill' of men in her life??! Sorry for amateur psych, but..) and it may be good to clear the air a bit and let your DH do the talking there.

I love the fact you still have the courage to open the door for your dad to make contact, etc. In my book, it does make you a very loving and open-hearted person. But I do see why his delay in responding is hurtful, too. There may be a good reason for the delay... take heart! A male friend of mine once said that males (yes, a generalisation!) are usually either very, very far away or very close, and there isn't much exception. Of course, there WILL be exceptions to that, but maybe he's just giving it all a lot of deep thought? Or maybe he's feeling guilty/ashamed and is struggling to respond.

Either way, I'd like to think he will have the respect to contact you before too much longer and let you know. It could be you could have a phone chat on the day rather than face to face contact, the idea of that might feel a bit loaded atm for him?? (No idea, just trying for the benefit of the doubt..)

Sorry TheAnts, think I read it on here in too much haste and misunderstood something about your SIL demonising you. Apologies. You've got enough to worry about!!

Thats ok missmehalia

I have given up hope that my dad will respond now. It's hurtful beyond belief but I just have to concentrate on the family I do have

OK I don't know you, or your back story, but i am just wondering now - you say you have no proof that this man is dangerous to children, just that he is 'sexually deviant'.
Do you mean he's gay? Or that you have suspcisions/evidence of him abusing other people/comitting sexual assaults which are being hushed up?
What I am trying to get at is: whether your SIL is in denial of there being a rapist or abuser in the family, or whether the rest of you are bigots who should get a grip?

I think that he is messed up in his head and his actions, some of which as sexual, are also messed up. I can give some specific examples if you like but I have told you I am not running about accusing him of anything, and have told others dc's dad of our waryness..

He has never raped or abused anyone sexually as far as I know. I am not at all bigoted or homophobic. As I said, there are other issues why we have cut him out.

Thing is, Theants (and remember that I don't know you or your BIL) either you are colluding in covering up for a potentially dangerous man as long as he doesn't harm your DC, or you are encouraging others to be suspicious and hostile towards someone who is unusual but not dangerous. Neither of these things are actually very good.

I am doing neither of these things, and I resent the implication. I have never asked for anyone else to exclude him from anything.

Yes I have my doubts about him but that's all they are. I cannot go around expressing these doubts without proof can I?????

unusual????? He wanked all over a photo of me and his brother and left it for me to find, he left internet history on our pc of very strong porn involving 90 year old women, he told his aunt he was in a gay relationship the week he got engaged to his now wife - would you want him around your dc stuffing

On top of this he is abusive verbally and emotionally to his mum, he is a fat, lazy, unemployed asshole who has stolen from us and a whole lot more. He is an alcoholic and a nasty piece of work.

Aaaargh! Suggest you run away screaming. You're right to leave him out of the family picture and right away from your DCs. The fact that his sis doesn't want to know suggests she already does. And perhaps more than you.. sorry, just a guess, and I suppose we should stick to facts.

It's actually pretty awful, and I don't imagine it's a good idea that it gets shouted from the rooftops at a family Christmas. Better your DH has a discreet conversation with your SIL in a situation she can't run away from. Esp if she has children, though there isn't anything directly there to implicate that he has any interest in them?? (Not sure, this is way outside my experience.) I'm sure this doesn't fit the postcard pic she'd like to have, but I hate this kind of deception.

Walked away from a serious relationship a few years ago when I found out some fairly weird things about him (though not so sinister as this). Took my little DD, our stuff, and got out of there. Have never regretted it. Trust your instincts, and as I said earlier, you could always get DH to deal with this if things are a bit too much for you atm. It would be good for SIL to hear what he's got to say without you there, it will show her it's not you using him as a puppet. It might just make her face it. You can't change him, but you can make people aware. Doesn't matter so much if he's overweight, lazy or unemployed, the other things are quite a direct threat, esp to you. It was a picture of YOU, after all...

OK, yes he does sound highly unpleasant (though nothing suggests he is actually a danger to DC) but nothing there is actually an arrestable offence. I rather agree with missmehalia that it might be best if your DH has the necessary word with your SIL as it's his family member.

We aren't going to tell her anything. She doesn't want to know. I was just feeling vulnerable and sad and came on here for support.

Instead I feel a little bit attacked actually stuffing and have had to rehash the nastiness I was trying to move past. But I am glad that you now think I am justified

Theants, sounds v stressful, and of course we may all have our opinions about what you 'should' do - easy when we're not there, ill and stressed. Only you and DH can know what you do not and do want to say to her, and whether it would/could protect any innocent parties (which would be the only impeccable reason, surely?) I suppose you now have an outside perspective on some of what's gone on, and that you're not being overreactive to what he's done. I think you're right to be cautious about him.

Try and be nice to yourself - the stuff with your dad's hard enough.. stay in bed and watch tons of rubbish telly or whatever else represents your comfort zone!! Sounds like you need looking after. x

Thank you so much, am planning on a bath and an early night

Sorry you are feeling attacked, OP. I did point out that I didn't know your backstory, but when families fall out, sometimes it's a case of a person needing to get a grip and stop being silly. Clearly not in your case.

Okay, thanks stuffing