Is it DD then?? :-(

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I have two dd's aged 13 and 15. My sister has always seemed to have it in for DD2 saying she's manipulative and a attention seeker. We had it out and she said she wasnt the only one in the family that felt that way and that I should open my eyes. Naturally I told her where to go and got on with my life. Then last year I met a man who I got on with really well but that started to go pear shaped when he started being quite nasty to DD2 and saying the same kind of things as my sister. He started saying she was "clingy" and an attention seeker and that he didn't think he could cope with her long term.
For what its worth, she's never in trouble at school, never usually in trouble at home so I'm really struggling to see what the hell is going on. I told him where to go and decided I would just stay with me and the girls until they were older. DD1 always made out to me that she couldn't see the problem either and that it wasn't just me who was "Blinded". Anyway I've just seen this in DD1's room and I think its meant to be for her dad.

"got to get this off my chest cos I think Im going to explode otherwise. My sister is doing my head in so much I honestly cant wait until I can leave home and Im going as soon as I leave school because my mum just doesnt see anything wrong with her even when shes told by everyone she meets what shes like. Shes a hypocondriac, attention seeker, whinger, she ruined our last holiday by constantly whining and wanting her own way and its because of her that we're not going abroad next year. Everything gets revolved around her and all she does is whinge and whine and moan and complain. Shes got no personality of her own, just constantly copies off other people, their clothes and hair and music and even the way they talk and she clings to my mum like a disease. I just cant stand her :-( Can't you do something, even you said yourself that she can be hard work"

So what do I do now? accept that nobody likes DD2 even though I honestly can't understand why or what?

I think you should talk to your ex as well, and listen to what he has to say.

And talk to your DD1 as well, objectively, and without getting defensive of your other daughter, tbh if more than one person has picked up on these exact same traits to this extent there has to be something in it.

I too can see both sides of this. It sounds a bit like you pander to DD2, which must irritate DD1. I've been in this situation where parents pandered to some extent to my older sister because she was more highly strung than me, and so made everybody's life miserable if she wasn't happy about something. It does cause a lot of resentment (and as a child, disbelief, that parents can be so blinkered).

Your response to her slightly ridiculous behaviour is going to be her cue as to whether it works or not, so I guess looking at that is the start of trying to resolve this.

FWIW, with the holiday, it sounds like DD1 was being unreasonable for wanting you to herself. You can't do that on a family holiday.

D

Are you sure that DD1 has not complained to your sister and your exP about DD2 in exactly the same terms, and that their opinions did not in fact come from DD1?

You say "DD1 always made out to me that she couldn't see the problem either and that it wasn't just me who was "Blinded"." and yet you find that secretly she does see a problem and is sounding off about her sister behind her back.

Is it possible that a combination of DD2 being perhaps a little bit clingier/attention-seeking than usual combined with DD1 being jealous and perhaps forgetting what it is actually LIKE to be that age (and don't we all love to look down on those who are in a stage we have only recently left ourselves) has meant that DD1 has become very resentful.

My DCs are 10,9 and 3. The elder two generally adore their little brother but sometimes complain about him and look at me aghast when I say that they were exactly the same at that age.

I probably see it more from DD2's point of view as I had an older sister who was really quite nasty to me growing up - running me down & telling me that I had no personality, no friends etc. If your DD1 is writing that, she is also communicating that to her sister.

It would also worry me that DD1 assumes DD2 should go to a teen club so she & you could have time alone. Why on earth should DD2 have to go & do something on her own when you are on holiday together. Did DD1 suggest that she would go to the teen club so DD2 & you could have some time alone?

It sounds like DD2 is being a bit annoying and attention seeking but if she is being told by her older sister that she has no personality, I bet that is not helping.

So it sounds to me more like sibling rivalry for your attention - and I think its harder being a single mum dividing your attention fairly, especially between children who are close in age & of the same sex.

Can you see this an opportunity to reassure them that you have time/attention for both of them and actually improve their relationship? Pick up on ways that DD2 is being annoying and help her grow up. And pick on the unacceptable way that DD1 is treating her sister and help her be kinder to her younger sister.

My mum didn't do any of this and I don't speak to my sister anymore as although I've grown up & am hopefully no longer annoying(!), my sister is still really nasty to me.

Hope that you help your DD's can have a better relationship.

Posted a bit too quickly: That was meant to be-

Hope you can help your DD's to have a better relationship - they'll thank you for it later.

I think they're both competing for your attention.

In different ways.

Can't be easy.

I think some people here are judging the DD2 as if she is an adult. She is only 13, of course she is attention seeking and clingy. She is still a child in many respects and yet doesn't want to be...or does, it's an awkward age really.
I think the issue here just sounds like your DD1 and DD2 are plying for your attention and are jealous of one another.

It was right of you to be angry with your sister and your ex for speaking about your DD2 in the way they did. She is just a child. You need to help her with her social skills and teach her to be a little more independent.

Agree with those who say you're identifying with her. Perhaps you are very similar and challenging her is difficult because it is challenging yourself as well?

Seeing someone's point of view, and understanding why they do what they do, is not the same thing as letting them carry on doing it.

Hold the front page:

13 Year Old Girl Found to be Attention-Seeking, Demanding and Histrionic!

It's the Scoop of the Year!

Although 13 year old girls can be attention seeking etc, it sounds as though this has been going on for some time now. The OP talks about the problems in the relationship a year ago, the holiday a year ago, and mentions that her sister 'has always' seemed to have had problems with the younger daughter as have other members of the family, which suggests that these problems predate the teenager phase.

Honest discussion with family members and both daughters (the daughters both separately and together, maybe?) is probably needed to get to the bottom of where the problem lies.

Okay my middle one demands more than her fair share of everything, and still seems to feel basically unloved. So I think I know where you may be coming from.

Why don't you carve out some special time for you and DD1, and some for you and DD2. Give them both some one on one time, when you can talk to them non-judgementally, and do something special just with them. Especially important is to have this time with DD1 when DD2 cannot interfere (maybe when she is doing something else).

They are also both perfectly old for you to speak blunt truths such as: there is only one of me; I love you both but you have to share me; I feel upset when you do that (roll-eyes or whine); I also need a life of my own as its only a few years until you both leave home.

Have you considered that DD2 could be deliberately isolating you from your sister and partner last year?

Good luck!

Has she hit puberty yet?

From what I remember of myself and other kids in my year at age 13, we seemed to have, like an 'identity crisis' where we weren't sure who we were anymore and also weren't sure who we would be. This was all in the run-up to and during puberty. It can be a huge change for some girls to make the transition from child to womanhood and that in itself can cause all sorts of behaviour.

Sometimes kids going through this stage/phase may not figure out how to express themselves properly and resort to attention-seeking when all they need is a bit of reassurance and and guidance.

Hopefully this is just a phase and should pass.

Before trying to read your DDs' minds, I think you should talk to their school(s) about this issue, not their performance, with an open mind and in the spirit of identifying any problems. I also feel you should take DD1 out for a bit of a princess day - without DD2 - and get an honest, open-minded conversation going wrt how she feels about you, her father, sister and life in general.

Sorry, I don't normally do a lot of 'shoulds'. You've had some very good advice from your thread and, of course, teenagers are terribly sensitive and emotionally erratic. I'm concerned that DD2 might be showing signs of a future psychological issue, which could mar her life and relationships. This is why I suggest taking a step back and looking at things responsibly, with detachment.

If a few adjustments to your parenting style don't bring about positive change: there's no harm or shame in going to family therapy. Good luck!

I would talk very carefully to your sister as she seems to be the first to have spotted this. This will be hard, as you musn't leap to your daughter's defence, you will need to sit and listen and not start arguing with her.

Then you need to do the same with your partner and see what he says.

Then you need to think...are they presenting evidence that I have not noticed, am I finding a totally different reason for my DD's behaviour even though 2 adults, independent of each other, see the incident in a completely different way?

It may well be that you "see" your child in a different light from others. It may also help to have an honest opinion from a teacher or another adult experienced with many children in order to get a more independent opinion. Sometimes parents do not see some of their child's faults, or they over play their child's strengths and most people are far too polite to actually say to the parent "you are deluded".

The fact that two people close to you and your DD are saying similar things suggests to me they are worried and would like to help.

I have a friend who excuses the most dreadful behaviour in one of her children and is totally blind to the fact that her other 3 children deeply resent their elder brother. My MIL as well, always preferred one child over her other 3. I was shocked a while back when DH and his older brother and sister met up for the first time in years and ended up just really really bitching about the other brother and how he got away with murder. These things can be horribly divisive within families as they were still recalling incidents of 40 years ago, and if there is any possibility that you are favouring one child, or blind to their faults to the detriment of your other child you should look into it.

I agree with Grace's post.

Any grown adult who likes to pick on a child and blame her for her behaviour (and label her negatively) is not a source that I would personally deem credible. A child who's labeled negatively may then, consciously or unconsciously try to live up to that label.

The fact her sister has written this stuff about her is surely typical of sisters and she may have picked up these negative comments about her from elsewhere and is using them because she's peed off with her at the moment.

But from school you are likely to get an objective view of what she's like in social situations and how she gets on with her peers.