Ok this may be long, first a bit of background about me so things make a bit more sense.
I'm 25 met dh at 16 (he 26) moved in 4 months later, ectopic pregnancy when I was 18, married a few months later, miscarriage, beautiful dd stillborn, ultra handsome ds born 8 months later safe and well, 2 misscarraiges later and we have the present day.
My most recent misscarriage was in April and unfortunatly my SIL was preggers at the same time, we were due 4 weeks apart. In the july it was my MIL and FIL ruby wedding do, they were paying for us to go to a hotel with them for a weekend away-I just couldnt face it, being in close company with SIl when she was heavily preggers. Anyway We went after lots of arguments between dh and myself, I felt that he should take the descision away from me and just tell his mum that it was too soon after the MC. We went because dh didnt mention it to his mum and no-one talked to me about it and I had made the cake (thats my job, wedding cakes and things) so If we didnt go they wouldnt have had the cake etc.
It was appaling, the first momoent I saw SIL I had no control, tears overwhelmed me and I left the room-i dont think anyone realised as I made excuses that I had left ds toy in the car (he is 3) for the rest of the weekend Sil and I didnt speak, I tried to, when her dd fell over (she is 1.6yro) but we pretty much didnt talk.
After the birth of her 1st dd I was overwhelmed with sorrow and pain at the loss of my dd-I felt no joy for them. when they called her a name so similar to my own dd (four letters starting with same letter) I was angered anyway that is by the by.
After we came home a few days later MIL came over unexpectedly, she sat me down in front of ds (after telling me my house smelt of dog) and lectured me about how I wasnt coping, that I should put an act on for the sake of the family, that she didnt think i would "still" feel like this-anyway we had a huge talk and I didnt hold back in telling her just how I felt. she stayed for lunch and then left and really ive not spoken to her since bar the odd phonecall meant for dh.
There is loads of stuff that has niggled me over the years, to much to go into but I feel so hurt by all of this. Was I so wrong to want to put my feelings first re the ruby do, Am I so wrong to feel nothing but pain and sorrow when I think of how happy sil and bil mmust be. They have had the baby now another girl and I did all the right stuff, sent flowers,card but we havent seen the baby (geography helps this) and Im dreading it.
come war, famine and disease people will always have babies and feel the joy that it brings-for me tho It just reminds me of sadness, not many people "get" that.