Just words but dh won't let it go...

[notremotelyintofootie]

Dh and I have been having thd odd row but generally ok, we had Dd 13 months ago and my Ds(11) lives with us, dsd(15) lives with her mum but visits...

I am on a funded phd so have tondo 35 hours a week and dh works full time on shifts so we generally do childcare between us although my work us usually squeezed for one reason or another and do i insisted on nursery for 3 afternoons a week... Dh has alot of me time as his work is stressful and we have no family near to babysit so we have only gone out once in 13 months together...

We started talking about planing s trip to Vegas for 2012 and said we'd renew our vows there and have s second honeymoon... Then yesterday dh announces he's invited his mate and told him to invite others!! I couldn't say much in front of Ds but it played on my mind all night! This morning dh was tired sndvso stayed in bed until 11 when I woke him and I mentioned about the trip... He denied saying about vows/honeymoon but eventually tried to placate me by telling me we'd do whatever I wanted...Arghhh

When he came downstairs he said I was being snippy at him and I probably was but dh plays the victim card a fair bit, I wad cooking lunch and he was umming and arring about it so I said 'whatever' and ge launched into one about how I spoke to
Him, we rowed,he called me a f&&ing c@@t (he denies this) so I told him to 'drop dead'

I know I was in the wrong and tried to apologise bit he was blankin me so I went to work for d bit to give him space... He has basically said because of what I said we should split and won't forgive me, won't tell me what I can do to make it right, says I should know and that we shouldnt need to work at our relationship ... That I have issues (I Am on anti-Ds because of all this) and wont accept that he has a role to play in this... I have said that 'drop dead' whilst nasty is just words but hd seems to think it's the end,..,, what do u think? Advice anyone?

Sorry for typos... Touch screen!

How long have you been married?

3 years end of November..,.

Why would you want to renew your vows after such a short time?

Your set up sounds very stressful it must be said.

He called you a fucking cunt though.....

Does he often deny he's said things?

A few things:
Your DH gets more me-time than you do because his job is stressful. Is it more stressful than your life?
You planned to renew your vows and have a 2nd honeymoon, but he thinks it's ok to invite his mates. You called him on this and he denied these plans. But he thinks it's ok to invite all and sundry on holiday with you without any consultation?
You both said some nasty things in a row and now he wants to call time on your marriage and his family.
You are already on medication because of this relationship.

Is this synopsis correct?

Drop dead is a common saying and shouldn't be taken literally. f...g c...t is pretty bad - in fact, worse than drop dead IMO.

Do you think he is using it as an excuse to end the relationship? Or is he just angry and having a major sulk? I would ask him these questions.

Good luck

let me get this right:

You had mutually agreed to go to Vegas in 2012 and renew your vows?

He announces he's invited some friends to come along without asking you first?

You asked him to clarify his arrangements and he called you a fing cunt?

You told him to drop dead in retaliation and now he wants a divorce?

My impression is that there's more to this than meets the eye.

It sounds as though resentment is already there. He wouldn't have invited mates along and denied speaking about renewing vows if there weren't a problem somewhere.

He may be using an extreme response because he doesn't know how to talk about the issues he feels exist in your relationship.

Somebody needs to get stuff out in the open before discontent wrecks everything here. He is being an idiot about this but I'd guess it's because he doesn't have a ready solution to whatever he's feeling is wrong with you guys so he has gone for the 'Be a twat, cause a row and then use that as an excuse to Walk' plan.

Sounds like he's using your reaction ( which he goaded you into) as an excuse to exit. Guilt tripping. Not nice. You did not deserve to be spoken to like that. You apologised for your response. Where is his apology?

Does he often behave like this? Really hope not.

Blu tac - yes selective memory especially after a pint or two

Dione - yes correct synopsis

The far side- I said it is s common saying he won't accept that

Yes pur life is pretty stressful, Dd wakes twice s night and I do all the wakings, I bf at night still...

Dh calls me cold and hard but won't see that he needs to work on
Relationship too...

I have been on the mess to show that I want this to work and I broke down crying at the docs in frustration, dh doesn't seem to care,.,

He drinks quite often and we have sex probably once every 6 weeks or so, if I try and initiate anything he says I am putting pressure on him... I really want this to work but feel that I am the only one making zn effort and yet it is all my fault!

Sounds like a lot of mutual resentment. Is counselling an option for both of you to help get you out of this deadlock?

If my synopsis is correct then you are in a much worse situation than a row that got out of hand.

You are with a man who believes that he is more entitled than you. And he may have convinced you that that is the case.

He used ambigious language or when called on what he has said insists "I didn't say that", "I wouldn't say that" and "I don't remember that" in order to make you out to be the nasty one.

He provokes you and then takes you literally and makes you feel bad.

He believes that your wishes come far behind his and any commitment to you (his partner and supposed love of his life), are a distant second to anything arrangements he makes (drunk or otherwise) with anyone else.

Any challenge you make to his beliefs (no matter how unreasonable) are met with a totally over the top reaction and you either give in or give up.

It sounds as though you are married someone with NPD.

What exactly is the point of renewing the vows in a marriage as troubled as this one?

Hello :) You said in your OP I know I was in the wrong.

I'm not seeing how you were wrong, can you explain please?

I agree with Dione . Claiming he didnt say stuff when you know he did isnt an annoying habit , its called gaslighting and its a form of emotional abuse. And it works well too.

Perhaps have a read about it on here , and other tactics employed by emotional abusers , it would be unusual for somebody to just employ one.

In the meantime , refuse to engage his pathetic little tantrum , if he says you should split , calmly state , "yes , i agree ". Hes trying to punish you for daring to assert yourself , you clearly dont understant the rules of the game , he can verbally abuse you , but you must not say anything back , you cannot instigate sex but he can , no doubt they,ll be loads of other things too.

What are the good bits of your relationship, op?

He can be really sweet and loving, he tells me he loves me and that I am the best thing that has happened in his life etc and he goes through phases when he tries to do his fair share at home. He is a great dad just not a great husband at times...

I guess one of the main problems is his actions don't always match his words and he is very selfish.

I told him if be wants to split fine but we do it today not after Xmas and he seemed fine with that... Main problem idvhr'd had a few pints last nigt and so will prob deny half of what he said again but he slept downstairs again so at least didnt have to put up With him during the night...

I don't want my marriage to fail, I want Dd to grow up with both parents but really need him to acknowledge his role in this too

Call him on it then. Agree. If he's bluffing then he'll back down, if not then not a lot to lose tbh.

And your DD will grow up with both parents. They don't have to live together.

I wouldn't do it before xmas though. Agree to make it a nice xmas for your kids.

When actions don't match words then words are being used to manipulate and control.

You say he tries to do things. Does he use the word try in place of will or yes. Try is a very ambiguous word, it means very little, certainly nothing quantifiable and is often used by Emotional abusers to get you off their back without them actually changing their behaviour.

Of course you don't want your marriage to fail, no one does, but do you really want to continue in a relationship with a selfish, volatile person who treats you with contempt? Do you want your DD to grow up on an emotional rollercoaster where everyone's lives are subject to the whims of a man who cares more about himself than anyone else?

The most important thing we can teach our children is to trust themselves, in order to do that, they have to trust us. Your husband is not trustworthy. You cannot trust what he says and you cannot trust him to do what is best for your family. He is damaging both of you.

I don't have anything useful to add but am in the same position. I really feel for you. Hope you are able to work on it if that's what you want.