WWYD - xmas, presents, step mothers, estranged fathers and sulking mothers

[Schnullerbacke]

I'll try to keep this brief. Met my real father and his wife for first time in 15 years this September. All good on that front. My Dad is ok with it, my Mum not so. She says she is fine but secretly...

So, father's wife has sent the kids, myself and my sister some xmas presents and I don't quite know what to do. We have a proper Santa coming here on the 24th so can't exactly hide the presents under the tree.

Presents are small so my Mum shouldn't really feel threatened by them but she can be very easily offended, although I have decided not to cater towards this any more. In my mind it should be perfectly fine giving the kids their presents and us knowing where they came from but on the other hand I don't want to upset her at x-mas. That said, I guess it's her problem and she will have to deal with it. But its x-mas, you guys know what I mean...

So what would you do? Thanks.

Understand that you are trying to be brief, but it probably depends on the longer version, tbh.

Nice of your father's wife to send presents (why is it always the women who do this and never the men, huh?) but what's the context?

Yes, why is it always the women. Its her that calls all the time...

Not quite sure I understand your question edam. Basically I am trying to work out whether I should spare my Mum's feelings or not.

She was not that pleased that my sister and I are in contact again with our real father. She didn't say anything badly about it directly but I know she is a bit annoyed / sad / jealous that he is back in our lives. Nothing more has been spoken about it and it is basically being ignored.

Now, if she sees my children getting presents from my father and his wife, I know she will not be very happy. She'll probably feel jealous and annoyed that he has anything to do with his grandkids (although my kids don't know that he is also their grandfather, they call him by his name and think its just a family friend). So I am trying to work out whether I should spare her feelings and only get the presents out after xmas is over or not. In some way I think she should be grown up enough to handle it but its my Mum we are talking about, always finds something to sulk about or be insulted about something. I did however decide not to play her sulking games anymore so theoretically I should grow a back bone and hand out the presents anyway, regardless of what she might feel.

Does this explain it a bit better?

yes, and I also have a mother who 'says she is fine but secretly...' so I do sympathise.

Just to avoid any awkwardness, I'd probably save the childrens' presents until after you see your mother at Christmas. Will be a nice bonus for the kids as well, always good to find some 'extra' presents you haven't opened!

But should we cater to this sillyness? The whole family is forever walking on egg shells, no one else gets offended so quickly. So why can't she address any (of the many) issues she has? Why pussy-foot around.

Ha, father is coming to stay with us in January, Mum doesn't know yet. To be honest, I'm not really bothered about him that much and have tried to explain it to my Mum. If she'd listen, she would realise that there is not need to feel jealous....

it is still early days, by the sound of it. Maybe next year things will have moved on to the extent that you can be more open. For the moment, you lose nothing by holding back on the presents from your dad and his wife to spare your mums' feelings.

How come you haven't seen him for 15 years?
And your kids not knowing who he is?
Will you tel lthem?

I would cater to it this Christmas as its still new for you and raw for her. Maybe give her some warning during the summer about next Christmas so there is no suprise or anything.

Do you live with your Mum?

If not, then keep the gifts back and open them when you are on your own.

Just carry on with your dad, your mum will just have to get used to it.

Do you think the stepmother has more to do with the visit and presents rather than your father? I wonder if he is getting the thanks for something that is not something that has come from him? I wonder if your Mother is annoyed he is being made out to be someone he is not? I would tell your mother the children that the gifts are from the stepmother if that is who they are from. I would also tell your children the truth, this walking on egg shells, elephants in the room etc need to be dealt with by you as much as by others. Your Mother can't help how she feels about your father, no one can change how they feel, she is doing the best she can by trying to keep those feelings secret, there is nothing childlike about that, I would say she is tryin really hard to make it easy for you!

Moondog - my parents got divorced when I was ten and after some years the relationship between us broke down. Hadn't seen him since. I took me a longer time to get over it but now I am truly over it. If it hadn't been his wife pushing it (I'm guessing she did a lot of the leg work), then I don't think we would have met up. Additionally, I usually live in the UK but have been living overseas for the last two years (my birth country and where all my parents live). Had I not come back here (moving back to UK next year) I don't think we would have met. My father is ok, his wife is lovely but I'm just over it all.

My kids are very young, 4 and 2. Could have told the oldest one who he is and I guess she would have understood but I didn't feel right in telling her its another set of grandparents. I guess I don't want to hurt my parents feelings on this if daughter started talking about them.

MummieHunnie - you are totally right. It does feel like his wife is doing all the running. She made us a really nice advent kalendar, posted the presents and its always her who calls. I like her, don't get me wrong but it should be my father doing all the running. As I said, I'm really quite over it all so am not really bothered. I have made contact, I am at peace with myself on this matter, that's about it.

I have given it much consideration and will listen to all the good advice on here and won't be handing out the presents on xmas day.

Thank you all! Have a lovely Christmas!

If it is her doing the running and you like her have a relationship with her, if you father is not bothering with you don't bother with him, it sounds like your children have a nice new friend there in your stepmother