DP shhed me!

[darleneconnor]

All 4 of us had been supermarket shopping. I got into the car with the DCs whilst DP put the trolley away. DS started arguing with me about what had been the most expensive thing we'd bought. He was wrong because the thing he though was actually on a 241 deal. I was getting really agitated about him arguing with me.

When DP got back to the car he shushed us, not just DS but me aswell! I was insensed! I had a go at him for treating me like a child. IMO he should have stuck up for me and told DS to stop arguing with his mother not just treated me like DS. How are the DCs ever going to respect me if DP treats me like a child in front of them?

The car was silent on the way home and now DP is out at work.

I know it's not a huge deal but it's made me think of other aspects of our relationship. I think he's so used to being the boss at work sometimes he doesn't shake off that persona at home. He's only 2 1/2 years older than me but sometimes it feels like 25. I feel like I'm only a shadow of my former self. He mocks my tastes (music, films, decor) and I've basically had low-level depression ever since he moved in (but there have been a lot of other contributory factors in this).

Of course, everyone else thinks he's perfect...

Why should he have told DS to stop arguing with his mother? You should have told DS that.

Talk to him. Raise these issues. Often it is hard to shake off work mode when you get home, especially if you're in a position of power, but that is no excuse for the mocking.

I was repeatedly telling DS to stop arguing with me. He ignored me and, to my mind DP just made the situation worse by not taking my side. I think it's important for parents to show a united front with the DCs.

I've told him on many occasions that I wont be bossed around by him but he just says that I want to be the boss (which does have an edge of truth in it). I mean, I dont want to be the boss of him and I would never tell him what to do or similar but I do want a fair distribution of control over my/our house and my life. (I was vv independent before I met him).

I'd not be offended if dh did that to me and equally I'd do it to him. but I suppose we're all different.

how old is DS?

I don't think there is anything wrong with that particular incident, but it sounds as if there are other underlying problems in your relationship.
The way you've described it it sounds like a power struggle, you are both keen to be in charge.

This isn't about the sshhing incident at all, is it? It sounds like it's about the balance of power in your relationship overall. It should be equal, but somehow it does sound as though he's "on top" so to speak. He even admits it himself. When you say there's an edge of truth in what he says about you wanting him to be the boss, what do you mean - do you really want him to be the boss or do you just mean you both want to have an equal say where you are both treated like adults (ie you don't want to be the boss of him either)?

It really doesn't sound healthy and you are right to be concerned, I'm just wondering at what level this is really - is it something which can be addressed or is it a fatal flaw in your relationship?

Why on earth were you arguing with your DS about that ? Why did it matter? And why on earth should your DH have taken your side - he might not have agreed with you or thought it wasn't worth all the fuss. TBH I'd have told you both to shhh I think.

The phrase 'pick your battles' was made for situations like this I think

Why shouldn't your ds argue with you? How else is he going to learn to argue/speak up for himself/debate? Maybe you mean something different from me when I say argue - was he rude, aggressive?

DS and I often have frank exchanges of views about factual things, and I'm sure we sound about the same age when we do (he's 6) - I regard it as a bit of fun most of the time. DS being 'wrong' about what price something was wouldn't register with me. I think you must mean he was being rude? In which case, tell him off yourself!

I hate being shushed - dh does sometimes do it and it is annoying but not a crime IMO.

I dont think id have been keen on being shushed , but without being mean , i would have been irriated by an adult engaging an argument with a child about something that was none of his business anyway. You cannot argue with silence.

If youve been feeling depressed since he moved in somethings not right , and i really wouldnt tolerate being mocked.

Dh has a tendency to try to lay down the law with everyone - if one of the children disagrees with them he will argue till the cows come home getting more and more insistent and cross. I managed to persuade him that it's pointless and also a bit mean - children are allowed to have their opinions even when they are different to their parents'. Thank god he has stopped that now.

Well, you were behaving like a child and your DH treated you accordingly. Are you really saying that having an "aargument" with a child about the price of shopping is anything less than ridiculous??

cathy- see, I'd never treat him like that

cest- DS is 8

ali- pretty much hit the nail on the head there

bertie- if I'm honest part of me want to be the boss. I mean I want us to be equal partners but I'm just more of a natural leader. I'm an only child who was always v indeppendent and before I met DP I was an emotionally and financially independent single mother. I really wasn't looking for a relationship when I met DP, things have just unfolded that way.

ormirian- DS is v argumentative and will take any oportunity to argue black is white. It is infuriating for everyone.

I think parents shoould present a united front with the DCs, otherwise one is undermining the other.

mak- It wasn't like an argument over opinion. Of course DCs should be allowed the opportunity to speak their minds and argue their case. But this was being deliberately defiant over a fact. He was probably just playing up to get attention.

aurynne- I was not behaving like a child. I was sticking up for myself with a exasperating child.

I would also be annoyed to be shhed. It's not what you say it's how you say it, and I imagine the shhing was patronising rather than friendly, is that right?

Incidentally I find the comments of some posters pretty rude.

For example, "Well, you were behaving like a child and your DH treated you accordingly."

How is that helpful exactly?! None of us were there and there's no way of knowing whether the OP was behaving like a child. It's impossible to avoid being drawn into arguments with DCs from time to time!

Yes I have one of those too darlene But the only way to deal with him is to not engage. Just say 'hmm....if you say so' or' really dear?'.

And whilst I do think a united front is vital for the big things, you can't always agree, nor is it healthy for the DC to beleive that it's a bad thing not to. Mind you if one of the children had actually been rude to me DH would say something, and so would I if the positions were reversed.

Of course if the football was on the radio we'd all have been shshhed

Darlene

I understand your anger - I have both shushed and been shushed. I also can appreciate the difficulty in adjusting in your newish relationship after being so successful as a single mum.

There are two scenarios that I can see in what you are saying.

1. he is a controlling dickhead and you need to work on your exit strategy.

1. You both need to talk more about your feelings and style of communicating with each other.

DW or I have both done the same to each other as one of us has got into an unproductive argument with one of our DC's.

Your argument with your DS was perhaps (and it would appear in your DP's opinion) unproductive. Yes DS was probably rude but it is not always the right response to argue - sometimes you just need to give a response then not engage further. Your DS could be seeking your attention, through arguing and this is not something to reward by giving him the attention in this way. the old - do not reward bad behaviour situation.

responses to DS such as

1. What seems to be the most expensive thing is not always actually the most expensive thing... it may be an essential, it may have multiple uses, it may have been a Bogof etc

1. Thanks you for your opinions - but I disagree.

and many, many more

Talk to your DP, over a glass of wine and when you have both shed the days frustrations and the kid(s) are in bed, about how you are feeling and ask him how he is feeling / seeing things, validate his opinion and ask him to do the same for yours, then discuss what you both need to do to start to settle any issues you both might raise.

A relationship truly thrives when both partners trust each other and that what each other says & does is for your benefit (and the families) not their own. This is always tricky to do and needs constant work to maintain in my experience.

It is difficult to know whether option 1 or 2 is your personal scenario and of course there could be options 3, 4 etc...

But MN is here for you whatever option it is with support humour and even advice / criticism plus of course loads of differnt opinions.

To me this is a very petty scenario! You should not have continued the argument with ds as it was not an important topic. You expect your dh to "take your side" ? Then you are behaving like a child.

Your dh saying shhh is in no way controlling or abusive. I would have said oh for gods sake shut up the pair of you!!!

I'm with HFL - and I say this with a dd of 14 who will argue every shade of grey rather than just black and white.

To your ds, I would of said, next time your paying so you can see what costs the most.

My dh would of told us to be quiet, I would of been pertulant for a bit, but actually knew that even acting like that was being the child that I didn't like.

Hmmmm. This sounds like one of those little things that means very little to the person that does it but can be absolutely incendiary to the person on the receiving end (my personal hate is my wife responding 'whatever' when I ask her a question - there's no reason why it should wind me up as much as it does, even though I think its a little rude).

It doesn't sound like great parenting (you were undermined in front of your DCs) from him. By the same token, did you let the argument with DS go on a little too long. Sometimes I think the DCs just need to be told not to argue.

Don't overreact. Yes, there may be underlying issues here and whilst these are significant because they are affecting you, it doesn't make them critical. Have a chat when DCs are asleep about how you can be a better parental unit, more of a united front. No need to refer to this incident at first as chances are you'll just get a defensive response.

Re the posts above about letting kids argue with their parents. Disagree with the minority of people suggesting that its a good thing. Kids should learn to discuss disagreements with their parents. Kids (and parents) also need to recognise when an issue is not worth wasting time over - the cost of things at the supermarket for e.g.

"Kids should learn to discuss disagreements with their parents."

Well what is that if not an argument?

Um I do actually get why you are irritated op. My ex used to do this thing where if one of the kids was having a tantrum he would come in and say something like "ok what is going on here?" and then try to get us both to explain our sides of the story, like we were BOTH kids and he was the voice of reason, it used to drive me NUTS!

He too used to tell me that I wanted to be the boss, yes I did, of MYSELF. He was very controlling and I didn't want to be controlled and fought it. Do you feel that sort of thing is going on here?

If someone hasn't actually experienced this kind of thing it can be hard to get them to understand it with looking daft but I get it I really, really do.

Think it very telling that you have had low level depression since he moved in, there is a reason for that.

Ormirian I think there is a difference between an argument and discussing a disagreement. A discussion generally involves listening to each other and weighing up the other persons point of view against your own. An argument is more often about getting your point of view across at all costs, with listening coming a distant second in terms of importance.

Yes I suppose. And an adult should be better at doing that than a child. I'm not sure how 'don't argue with me, I'm an adult' is ever going to be helpful.

See where you're coming from. I remember when I was a lad (just about) - and the most irritating thing my Mum could ever say to me was "because I said so". For years I thought this was the most unfair thing in the world. The more I think back though, the more I realise that she had a point. Its not fashionable these days, when people see priority primarily as something to be challenged, but actually I reckon its good for kids to recognise that sometimes there will be people in charge and what they say goes, whether it seems fair or not.

I don't always agree with my wife when it comes to parenting, but in front of DC I would back her to the hilt even if I disagreed with what she was doing. I would however, make sure we chatted later about our differences.