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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

'Friend' situation

18 replies

newmumhelp · 28/09/2005 11:28

Ok, this may be long...

I've known my best friend since i was 8 (now 24), and although she's always been a bit useless and upset me on countless birthdays, she's my one true friend.

Things seem to of gone downhill of since i got pregnant. I still saw her a lot but she never showed any interest in the baby until 2 weeks before he was born. Never asked how i was or anything, and i felt like i had to make the effort more and more. Although as i said, for the last few weeks she seemed to come round.

However, since i had ds 13 weeks ago, i've seen her once socially which is down to her not me. I've asked her to come out loads of times. The first time dp and myself went out after having ds she said she couldnt afford to come out. However, i'm later told by her sister that she was tired and couldn't be bothered. OBviously i was upset as i thought she might of made the effort.

And for the past 4 years, she has never got me a present for my birthday which is fine. I don't mind. But she lies about it, and says i'll take you shopping etc...but it never happens. I'm not bothered about that, but i am bothered when she starts doing similar things with ds. He was christened 2 weeks ago, and she said she'd left his present in the car and that she'd get it when she left. 3 hours later when she did go, she said, the presents in the car, if you want to come and get it from my house later then you can do

The day after the christening we went on holiday for 5 days. And she still hasn't phoned or text me or anything. So i have text her to ask if she wants to go for a meal at the weekend, but have had no reply.

I'm really peed off with her total lack of effort. The only time she wants to talk to me is to rub my nose in it, because she has to be in competition with EVERYONE. And the latest is that she's moving to a bigger house than me. So when i do speak to her, she keeps on about the new house she'll be moving into, and how i'm 'desperate' to move into a bigger house too. Which i'm not. Would be nice, but i'm not that bothered.

So, after that long rant, what do you think i should do? Am i just banging my head against a brick wall??? I don't want to lose touch as she's my oldest and closest friend, but i'm not happy at how she's treated ds, nor am i happy about how she's treating me. Makes me v.

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 28/09/2005 11:31

Some friendships have sell-by dates, and it sounds like yours has reached it. You don't seem to have much in common any more and if I read your post correctly you don't seem to like her very much either, so maybe it's time to let the friendship go.

nailpolish · 28/09/2005 11:32

speak to her DIRECTLY, stating you want to know what the problem is

i had a friend who didnt come and see me for ages after dd was born, then when she did she didnt even look at dd, i was feeling crap, but ran round after her making cups of tea, cake etc i was so happy to see her

a few weeks later i called her and ended up sobbing down the phone saying that she had offended me and my baby (she had said a couple of horrible things, in jest she said, but i was hormonal and sensitive) and she ended up crying too and saying how sorry she was, she didnt know why she had acted like that

if she is your true friend you should work it out, if you are still upset then leave it.

lifes too short

good luck

nailpolish · 28/09/2005 11:33

speaking frankly, maybe she is jealous of you and your gorgeous new baby.

nickiey · 28/09/2005 11:35

I would confront her, I had similar trouble with my oldest and earest friend who didnt take her responsibility as godmother seriously, she never checked in to see if he was ok, etc etc but I had a big chat with her and said that as my best bud and ds's godmother I expect more from her and listed what I though she should be doing like popping in to see him, coming to the park with us, sending him postcards from her travels (she goes abroad alot) and since then she has been fab and ds loves her. We dont see her that much but when we do she fusses ds loads, she has babysat, she gets him little trinkets from where ever she has been, buys him the expensive designer clothes that we cant affoard (I never asked her to do this but it is one way that she has chosed to "fuss" ds) all in all, after the chat, and I was very blunt about it, things have been good.

Original poster

newmumhelp · 28/09/2005 11:38

I do like her. I know she's a bit dizzy sometimes, and tbh pretty useless when it comes to birthdays etc, and she's always had to be better than everyone else, just not me. We used to have a laugh about it and she's always like 'they're just jealous, and we're that, and we're this'. Meaning both of us, but now she's actually doing this TO me. And i don't get why. Her dizziness is part of her charm, i just don't think she thinks about what she does. Of course i'm going to be protective with ds, so i don't like to see her do this to him.

I have spoken to her before about it, and she was all appologetic and said she really wants to see me more, but in reality, it just doesn't happen

OP posts:

Bozza · 28/09/2005 11:48

I think she is jealous too as well as insecure. You can either take the sell by date option and stop bothering with her or give her a bit of time to adjust to the new reality - ie you have a gorgous baby.

Original poster

newmumhelp · 28/09/2005 11:49

By the way, forgot to mention, she's 3 months pregnant now, so we have very much in common, and i thought she might want to talk to me more now. Perhaps when the baby comes?? Who knows

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nailpolish · 28/09/2005 13:56

i bet she changes when she has the baby.

let her know you are there for her if she needs you, and leave it at that

rubles · 28/09/2005 14:19

It has to have been jealousy. If she is that competitive then you beat her to what she was trying to do, (don't know if hers was planned or not...but assuming so). You had your baby when she was conceiving and she may have been trying for a lot longer than you know.

Would put money on it being jealousy.

Mytwopenceworth · 28/09/2005 14:40

So let me make sure I understand. You say she's not interested in your baby, never makes a fuss of your birthday, isn't interested in how you are doing, boasts about how much she's got compared to you, doesn't make an effort to keep in touch and doesn't want to socialise with you?

I'm sorry, but nothing in your post describes a friend, as far as I can see. You call her your oldest and closest friend, but how exactly is she a friend to you?

I would call time on this 'friendship' if I was in the situation!

newgirl · 28/09/2005 14:58

She doesn't sound that great but it might change when she has a baby - she might be going through all the sicky tired bit at the mo?

If I were you I would go and meet all the nice new mums out there - my closest friends today are the ones I met when my dd was a baby. There should still be time to see your old friend.

Original poster

newmumhelp · 28/09/2005 15:44

I know. Doesn't sound that great a friend really at the moment. And i suppose she isn't. But she was.

I think it was jealousy because she was getting married a couple of months after i told people i was pregnant, and she said that she didn't feel like her wedding was going to be very important to everyone now i'm pregnant. AND she did say she thought she'd be first to have a baby. And she said she thought i was too young (she's the same age as me, which goes to show that was just utter crap). BUT i thought she was over that now.

I have 2 friends with kids and they are great. But i do miss my mate. We used to be able to talk about anything and everything. But thinking about it, if she's going to continue to be a bitch, then why do i want to know her anyway????

Think i'll just leave her to it. I'm just used to being a bit of mug with her really. Can't see it til people tell me though.

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Chloe55 · 28/09/2005 15:51

I had a friend for years and she could be very self-centred at times and a lot of my friends didn't understand why I had a friendship with her. She was however one of my oldest friends and we knew each other inside out. I did kind of get to the point though where I had just about had enough of her giving it me me me all the time and I let the friendship fizzle out. It hurt like hell and now I have many friends but none that I would class as my 'best' friend and I can be a little jealous of people who have friendships like that but I know I made the right choice because I am no longer hurting when she lets me down and in a sense it is like a weight being lifted.

I can't tell you what to do but thought you might feel better knowing that unfortunately some friendships are better coming to an end.

Kazziegirl · 28/09/2005 15:52

Definitely time to back off. You'll soon see how much of a friend she is. Sometimes this is what you have to do when friendship is so heavily one sided.

Original poster

newmumhelp · 28/09/2005 15:55

That sounds like my 'friendship'. It really does. Lots of friends have come and gone, but the two of us have always stuck together. I sound like a right sad case for letting her treat like an idiot, but i honestly didn't think it was that bad. I thought things had got bad, hence why i asked for advice, but didn't realise what a total twat (excuse the french) i've been until i saw it written down!!

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Chloe55 · 28/09/2005 16:08

Don't worry newmum, I know exactly what you mean. The woman I am referring to was so good at the friendship thing in some respects but at other times I really was being taken for a mug and the occassional comment might be made that I would ignore instead of question. I know how hard it must be for you too. I only knocked things on the head with her about 4/5 months ago although I felt like I had lost my best mate at least 2 years ago. It's very sad sometimes to let an era go but from what you say it sounds like you should get on with life without her and if she comes round (on your terms) then great but if not just remember that you don't need to feel upset when you arrange something with her and she lets you down or she says something upsetting without even realising she does it.

Original poster

newmumhelp · 28/09/2005 16:19

Thanks! I do feel better already. And actually, i DO feel like a weights been lifted, just talking about it. Think i was remembering my friend from years ago, and fooling myself that she was still the same, but really, she is no where near the friend she was.

Thanks for your help

OP posts:

Original poster

newmumhelp · 28/09/2005 19:17

Typical. She's just text me to say she'll come out on Saturday night, and that she's sorry she's not been in touch, but she's been really busy with the move etc...Suppose i'll have to go out and act all normal. But after that, i'll leave it up to her. Really annoyed now. I was all geared for not speaking to her. After asking her to come out, i can hardly tell her to shove it now she's replied

OP posts:

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