Mum's mum dying - toxic relationship. Help

[WishIWasRimaHorton]

My mum has just been on the phone. Her mum is dying. Long long long long story but very toxic situation. There has been no contact since my grandfather died (about 15 years) and before then on and off and lots of abuse from my grandmother towards my mother.

Mum is wracked with guilt. I absolutely think she should not get in touch, but that is easy for me to say.

My grandmother has alienated her family and there is only one person left who has anything to do with her. This person, we believe, may now be my grandmother's nominated next of kin.

So technically I guess my mum doesn't need to do anything, as her estate will be sorted out by her next of kin (whoever this person is).

Any advice for how to help my mum come to terms with this? She has thought about it a lot over the years, but it is different when you are confronted with the situation...

Perhaps see a specialist counsellor to help work it out.

This is her chance to say what she wants as when her mother has passed away the opportinuty will be gone forever.

Thanks to those who have responded.

Bluecardi - she has nothing to say to her mother. She feels nothing for her. The reason she is wracked with guilt is that she thinks she should feel something and that everyone expects her to go and see her mother. I have told her that if her mother had wanted to see her and wanted to 'make the peace', she had had scores of years to do that and she has chosen not to.

But this isn't my mother we are talking about.

Happychappy - not sure she has long enough to find a specialist counsellor. My grandmother was found lying on the floor of her bungalow blocking the front door so the emergency services couldn't even get in to take her to hospital.

a very difficult situation - she could go and see what her mothers says to her. If she doesn't she might wonder later on this.

One thing she could do would be to write a letter to go in her coffin when the time comes. Rather different situation, I was very close to my father, but have been disowned by my mother (very toxic), and when he died I wrote him a letter which I put in his coffin.

That way, I wasn't haunted by memories of things left unsaid. Maybe that might be a way for your mother to relieve herself of the burden of (unnecessary) guilt that she feels.

tb - what an awful thing for you to have gone through. thanks for your suggestion - it is definitely an idea. might suggest it. in fact perhaps i could suggest that i wrote a letter and included something from her...

My mum cut her mum and dad from her lives the day she married my dad. It was 23 years before she met her mum again.

Her dad died in the meantime, he wrote to her to ask her to come and see him before he died, but mum decided that it would be hypocritical of her.

I never met my GF as a result of this, and Dad's dad died before they married. I don't blame her for not wanting to go back and see him.

Your mother has more valid reasons not to see her GM. If she has nothing to say to her, then she ought not to go. This woman could use this as one more time to upset knowing your mum won't be able to retalliate as the GM is dying.

She was a grown woman who chose to make your mother's life hell. She was the adult, she could have stopped it anytime she liked, but she didn't.

If your mum doesn't want to see this woman, she shouldn't have to. The GM certainly doesn't seem to deserve the opportunity now to go peacefully, when she couldn't live that way in RL.

thanks littlemiss. Mum has decided not to get in touch and to allow the nominated next of kin to deal with whatever needs to be done. I am relieved for her that she is not 'going back in there again'.

oh I see it was your GM, her DM.. sorry confused myself!

Glad she has taken this decision, it'd probably do no good, and could do more harm.