Female friend

[whatnowhuh]

Very brief background - been with boyfriend/partner for nearly 18 mths. He has a good female friend. Fine, met her a few times, nice girl, friendly to me, etc. He doesn't go out of his way to include me when he sees her. Always feels a bit awkward when the 3 of us are together. Have accepted/tolerated the friendship thus far despite reservations, they've previously slept together, long before we met apparently.

Few weeks ago they went away to a gig up north, with a couple of others, staying at another friends', about 8/9 in total. I wasn't invited but let it pass. Found out last weekend that him and her shared a room. Just them. He slept on floor, she slept on bed.

I am annoyed about this, he thinks I'm 'over reacting' and being 'silly'. Having the talk about it tonight so just looking for some quick reactions.

Conundrum is that I trust him (or did), I don't think he had sex with her. BUT i do not feel happy/comfortable with the closeness of their friendship - did they see each other half naked in the morning? Did they lie and chat the next morning?

Thanks in advance.

Have you got any reason to think that either one of them has more than a friendly interest in the other? If not, then you should probably take a deep breath an try to relax. You might feel you need to know more about when they slept together.

I have and would go and stay in a room with someone with whom I've previously had sexual contact, but understand that it makes DP uncomfortable, so I would try to find another solution if possible. But then I wouldn't be doing this with someone I had previously slept with if I weren't absolutely sure that nothing was going to happen (e.g. both of us in relationships/moved on/one of us now gay etc)

Call me old fashioned, but I think if he's in a relationship with you, he shouldn't be sharing a room with another woman - even if they are "just good friends".

It doesn't even matter if he says that if the tables were turned he would be cool with you sharing a room with an ex - it's clearly not something you're happy with, and that being the case he needs to have a re think about his relationship with this girl and what messages this send out. Make sure he puts you first.

I don't think you need to worry. They're just good friends. If he talked about her lots, I'd be more worried.
Both DP and myself have been on short holidays with friends of the opposite sex and shared rooms or tents. Nothing happened (at least in my case) although I saw my friend naked and vice versa. If you're OK with that it's no big deal.

The factors that make a friendship "unsafe" are:

1. Secrecy about the existence of, or the interactions with, a friend.
2. Physical chemistry.
3. When the friend knows more about your relationship that you know about hers with your partner.

I therefore profoundly disagree with posters who say this is nothing to worry about. There is secrecy involved here, if you have found out some time afterwards, that they slept in the same room together. If your partner is also anxious to keep you both apart, rather than encourage the friendship between you, that is a further concern. I am not saying that he shouldn't see her on his own either, because it's possible you wouldn't hit it off and we all have the right to see our friends without our partners, but without secrecy entering the equation.

Exes can become friends and the physical chemistry can burn itself out, but if this is the case, there is no need for secrecy or the need to keep people apart.

I would focus on the secrecy element and his behaviour, not hers. You clearly didn't and don't have a problem with him having female friends, so reject any counter-accusations of "I didn't tell you because I know you're a jealous fruitloop" and express your boundaries calmly and rationally. If it gives you concern, the say so. You have a right to express that concern, just as he has a right to change his behaviour, or carry on keeping secrets regardless. The choice whether to accept that or reject it will then fall back to you.

ooh had missed that he kept it a secret.

Did he actually lie about it, OP? Or just avoid telling you?

Yes - should have said I would always tell DP if I was going to be sharing a room with an ex! Otherwise it just looks really dodgy.

Obviously there's no difference between if he kept it from you or if he lied about it - the intent, and the result, is the same.

I agree with everything WWIFN says. Personally, I think the woman deserves a sainthood for her sage advice.

Sorry Op but me too agreeing with everything WWIFN says.

Not sure if I can add much to this but I too have been in a situation like this, only I had a new bf/husband and was hanging out with my old bf.

We live in different countries now and don't talk much but in the past went to concerts with him, camping and he came to see me on holiday. In saying that, there was absolutely NOTHING going on between us at all, which was understood by all parties. Even when we slept in the same tent, there was nothing at all happening.

My bf / husband must have been pretty trusting and not jealous at all but he didn't seem to mind. We'd all meet together for a drink if we were living together closer.

So I guess you'll have to work out whether you can trust him and his friend. I realise this is easier said than done. Openess and honesty is the key here. If you could be ok with their friendship, then there would be no reason for your boyfriend to hide anything. If he knows you are ok with this friendship and then he still hides things from you, that is a different ball game.

My best friend and I went to New York for a long weekend and shared a twin room. My best friend is a man. My DP was fine about it because he understands that I am with the one I want to be with. I have known my best friend for a long time, and if we wanted to make it anything more than that we'd have had plenty of opportunity and done it a long time ago. So, it may really not be anything to worry about, you just need to make up your mind about this friendship I think. It is possible to be just friends with a member of the opposite sex.

DH & I (not married at this point, both in early 20s) had been living together for about 5 months, we went to a party at someone's house. A girl DH knew well from school (not an ex) was there. At some point in the evening, they disappeared to into the bathroom together, not for long, just having a conversation, both pissed, she needed a wee and they kept chatting...

I didn't for a minute think anything untoward had happened between them, but I talked to DH about this afterwards and said that I felt that he was simply too old to act like this; he and I were in a long-term relationship and it was not appropriate for him to go off into a bathroom with another woman, for however long and for whatever purpose. He was quite sheepish and totally agreed.

My point was that it was unnecessary, a bit juvenile and made me look stupid in front of other people who might have just seen them going in or coming out together and assumed they'd been up to something. It also crossed a line into an intimacy that he and I shared (not that I was massively into having a wee and chatting to him at the same time!) by virtue of us living together as a couple. It simply felt disrepectful.

I'd apply all of the above to your situation, but x 10. Whatever you think or believed happened, or didn't happen, once you are in a relationship with someone I feel that a line is drawn and that line now excludes things like 2 people of the opposite sex sharing a bedroom on a weekend away.

You've probably discussed it by now, so hope the chat went well and also that this perspective helps a little.

Thanks so much for all the input. It's helped me to see I'm not being neurotic or crazy about it all.

We didn't have a massive talk about it last night, it's definitely going to be a conversation to continue. But all your thoughts, etc, will help me structure what I want to say.

I really want this relationship to work and I know for that to happen need to make my boundaries clear, and like WWIFN says, if this type of behaviour continues then it'll be my decision to make about whether to carry on.

Elfpants - he didn't lie - I didn't question him about the sleeping arrangements at the time, it just came up in a later conversation and I casually asked the question about who slept where, but as I asked I knew what the answer would be, and as he told me he knew I wasn't going to be happy with the answer. Does that make sense?!

I kind of hate to say but I think he's just not that into you. He doesn't make an effort to include you with his friends. He went on a weekend away with a mixed group and didn't invite you. I don't think it matters if he's sleeping with this other woman or not, if he was serious about you he would include you more.

My DH has quite a few female friends and I've never had a moment's worry, because since we've known each other he's included me in everything he's done with them. Even when we were first dating, friends (men and women) he'd had for ages would come to visit and he would always, always invite me out with them. He recently went on a business trip and met up with some people (incl. an ex) called me when it was over and gave me all the gossip, because it was interesting to both of us.

He's just shutting you out of a part of his life. If I were you I'd be having a convo about where your relationship is going.

If friend pre-dates your relationship, there is nothing to worry about.
Frankly any relationship in which people are "forbidden" to see friends smacks of insecurity and is doomed to failure.

Leaving aside the ins & outs of their friendship and sleeping arrangements, this is what you need to consider:
he thinks I'm 'over reacting' and being 'silly'

That is not understanding your concerns or caring about your feelings. It's dismissive. It says you're not entitled to worry about him sleeping with his ex. Which you wouldn't be ... if you weren't his girlfriend.

Makes you think, doesn't it? :(

Lay your cards on the table and say that you don't like it. If he carries on like this do you think you could still respect him? I wouldn't. Mabe start seeing his imperfections; he should have included you on that weekend.