Trust etc

[babehunmug]

We went to Relate just twice and I asked the counsellor how I can trust DH again. She said I had to make a leap of faith. I was literally speechless that she said this and even more so now that I have started reading Not Just Friends. Thats why we haven't been back to counselling but I am convinced we need an expert counsellor to guide us.

Although DH says he wants our marriage to work there are still areas of his life he has shut me out of - he lies to me about where he's been who he's with, he gets annoyed if I ask him in a friendly polite way, he lies about his drinking (v heavy) lies about financial stuff, hides his mobile, hides his wallet, hides his car keys. He refuses to discuss his affair any futher than he has - not a lot - he claims only emotional - which I don't believe due to finding viagra. There have been other women I know he has been out on drinking sessions with and god knows what else.

He often comes home totally plastered and can't remember what he has said, he even ordered a takeaway once and said he hadn't when it arrived. Same with ordering taxis - they turn up when he's already gone off in another taxi.

I am seeing a therapist myself who is a great help for me personally but she can't counsel us together as I have been having therapy for a year now with her. I have asked him to get help for his drinking but he says only losers do that.

He does do some good stuff too but it doesn't make up for all of the above.

Two questions:-

How can I find a really good couples counsellor who understands about safety and the walls in a realtionship?

How can I get him to go to AA or similar?

If I can't do either of the above I know divorce is the only answer.

Help!

How can I get him to go to AA or similar?

Short answer to that is you can't. He has also told you that losers do that.

If he is an alcoholic there are 3cs to remember re alcoholism:-

you cannot control it
you cannot cure it
you did not cause it.

What are you actually getting out of this relationship now?. If there are children involved I pity them actually as they don't need or warrant such crap their Dad is doing. Nor do you as this man's wife currently.

No trust - no relationship. This relationship of yours seems beyond repair because he is not interested in wanting to fix anything.

Thanks Attila. I know I should stop trying to control or cure his alcoholism and I know I didn't cause it.

We have good days when things are great but then he goes on a bender and 'bang' its bad again. Trouble is that is at least once a week.

Yes there is a child involved. I do wonder if I am feeling stuck because my parents stayed together when my dad was drinking heavily (he doesn't anymore and they are still together) and I witnessed some bad rows when I was about our DC's age.

The lack of trust is an issue - and according to DH its because of my childhood!
I almost believed him. I trusted him totally before the 'discovery'.

His 'affairs' he also blames on me because I wasn't paying him attention - difficult when he's pee'd up almost every time he comes home.

I do want to try couples counselling one last time to see if it makes him realise that he needs to stop the secrecy and the lies. I am thinking about going to Al-anon too.

I'm getting stressed reading your post - it must be really hard living with the uncertainty of when he will next go off the rails and not being able to trust him.
It sounds like you're willing to pull out all the stops to get back on track but he's not that interested.
I can kind of understand the leap of faith thing - I guess she's saying throw youself into the relationship trying to leave the baggage behind. However it doesn't sound like that's going to be possible while his problem behaviour (the things which bought you to counselling in the first place) is continuing.
Maybe your leap of faith has to be one you make on your own for your own sake and for your DC?

Kalms help with the stress!

I like the idea that I need to take a leap of faith on my own for my own and DC's sake. The leap into divorce. :(

I don't understand your counsellor saying take a leap of faith. That doesn't sound the right thing to do at all when so many previous leaps of faith from you have resulted in continuation of the same behaviour from your DH.

We have a Relate couple counsellor and we talked about how I could trust my DH after an emotional affair. She said that I could only trust again when his actions tallied with his words and that it would take time for me to have enough evidence of that. So she was saying to both of us that it would take time and it could only happen if my DH backed up all his promises with real action.

You sound as though you are having a tough time. Can you use your own counselling sessions to help you work out what to do for you?

Agreed, for this to work he has to show a commitment to you and the relationship by changing his behaviour. Tho from the sounds of it it doesn't seem like he wants to (affairs) or can without professional help(alcohol).
You can't do the work for both of you, you sound so worn down.

The counsellor is probably right about it being a leap of faith with regards to trusting your DH - trusting anyone to not hurt you, to do x,y,z etc is putting a lot of faith in them and you kind of just have to jump in with both feet and see what happens.

However I would say that whether you should make that leap is a completely different question. From everything you've written I don't see how you could possibly trust your DH until he makes a lot of changes, changes he seems extremely unwilling to even consider, let alone implement.

As things currently stand I would say you need to decide whether you want your life to continue like this or not, and what you want to do. Please do continue with the counselling on your own as I think it will help you to work things out for yourself.

You cannot do anything to change him, he has to do that himself - something I suspect he will not do as he has no reason to.

I really hope you manage to work out a way to be happy as I can't imagine you are in this situation and you have every right to put yourself first and ensure your own happiness.

I agree that your Relate counsellor gave you the only reasonable answer. You asked "How can I trust DH?"

DH lies about social & financial matters, is secretive, unreliable, withholds information you've requested and more. He's untrustworthy. She gave you an irrational answer because your question was irrational.

She's right, too. You can choose to trust this utterly dishonest man - that irrational leap of faith - or you can choose to trust yourself, and ditch him.

Take that leap.

Sack your husband. It's the only way you will get any trust back into your life.

I'm sure it's really hard to read but people are probably giving you the right advice - you have a DC to consider, aswell as yourself. If DH was committed to you and DC, he wouldn't be behaving like this.

You both need to pull in the same direction and you both need to be responsible parents. Everyone goes through tough times, but if you've got your eye on the same 'end game' most problems can be solved.

Unfortunately you seem to be the only one who wants to make things better and that being the case, maybe the only way of achieving that is to get out.

But why on earth would you trust him? If you've read NJF, you'll remember the man who said "When I got sober, I got faithful" and so there might be a hierarchy of addictions for him to overcome, but it would be absolute folly to trust in the cicumstances you describe, when he is keeping so much from you.

He's not willing to get help for his alcoholism and blames you for what were his behaviour choices; his infidelity especially.

You can't rescue him and you can't fix him. He can only do this himself and he will be less inclined to, if there is a convenient whipping boy to hand, to blame for his own behaviour.

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I know you are right. WWIFN I haven't read the whole book but that quote jumped out at me. Getting sober is not likely to happen.
:(