Is it me...?

[snowexpected]

Sorry if this appears to be a bit of a ramble but I would welcome some thoughts on my concern.

I am married with 2 young DCs. My husband has a bad temper and I'm not sure whether I should just be kind of ignoring it or should be annoyed. I know that sounds pathetic and I should know how to react but I had a weird upbringing with not great boundaries set on how people speak to each other. I am often told that I am too sensitive so maybe it's just that.

I've been ill for a few days and just tried to take it easy at home to get over it (although I did manage the ironing yesterday by having lots of rest) but he comes home (as he does every night) having a bit of a huff and puff and cleaning up - but not saying anything. I did ask if he was in a bad mood? And he said he was with work and not me.

Earlier in the week he said he was going shopping tonight (Wed) after work which I said fine to (although I would have to see to both DC's and put them to bed - however I really don't mind). Anyway last night he decided that he didn't want to go shopping tonight because he would be too tired and said he was going to go on Saturday in the day.
This of course means that I will have the two DCs and he will go shopping on his own. I said Ok but I am going out Saturday (this has been arranged for ages and he knows about it).
He said, ok but you're not going out til later and I replied that no I was going out at 4. He then erupted saying that I wouldn't let him go and that he never has anytime because I'm always out.

I said that I wasn't always out and that I was just reminding him in case he wanted to go shopping in the afternoon. He said me telling him I was going out at 4 had any relevance. He then started to say that it was just weird to be going out at that time and what was the point.
I explained several times it was because my friend had a way to go on the train and so didn't want to be travelling back to late.

Sorry for the long email but am I just being sensitive or is he a pain in the bum?

No, it's not you, it's him.

Do you think so Granhands?

definitely him

it's so him....

the big clue is being told that you are 'oversensitive' -in other words to shut up and stop moaning -

Living like this will crush you - be careful

Yes, he has changes his plans, you have not changed yours. He then moans at you for reminding him what time you are going out and makes you explain what you are doing and why.

IMO this is unreasonable, he also grumbles about having to do the housework when you are ill, and won't talk to you.

Plus you describe him (firstly) as being bad tempered. I would be a bit gutted if my DP described me as being bad tempered rather than kind, funny etc then bad tempered, if you see what I mean. And I am quite stroppy at times.

So I think he is probably not fun to live with, therefore it is him, not you who is being a pain.

HTH.

P.S the others agree with me, so stop blaming yourself for his mean behaviour.

HIM.

Is he always so childish?

Thanks for your responses. I do think he is a pain.

NewName - I'm scared of getting crushed. I think my last partner was emotionally abusive and now I'm with a big kid.

Thanks Stary for confirming my possible thoughts.

Granhands - He is bad tempered and I can't stand that side of him. He puts me on edge.

Queefer - Not always been like that but has been for sometime. The problem is that we hadn't been together that long before I got pregnant.

He acts like he gets a raw deal but I'm very supportive I think. I never complain when he goes out or wants to study for his part time course (which is a lot, lot, lot)

snowexpected - my H was abusive and he did all that you have mentioned - the huffing and puffing about housework (or else very obvious anger/talking to me through gritted teeth/crashing about/evil glares etc), making it difficult for me to go out, making it difficult to plan anything, resentful of any chldcare he had to do.

Though a combination of explosive arguments and massive blaming of me - I gave up for a long while thinking that everything was my fault (I was selfish, lazy, disrespectful, not having enough sex with him etc etc).

I spent my whole day hoping he would be in a good mood when he got home. If he was things could be great, if not - well, they were not great at all.

It's not about being a big kid, he treating you very badly.

Sounds also like you've swapped one previously abusive partner for yet another emotionally abusive type man.

If he puts you on edge what is he doing to the children here?. They see and absorb all this crap that's going on around them and they are learning from all of you. Your own upbringing has likely contributed to the poor relationship patterns you are in now.

Snow: nothing you do will ever be enough, you could stay in for the rest of your life, you could support him till the cows come home, he would still crash about and be in a mood because that is who he is.

You are not responsible for his bad temper, he is.

NewName I'm sorry you've had to deal with that, it's awful. My ex just used to give me the silent treatment and it nearly sent me insane.
My 'H doesn't call me any of those names but I do worry about him coming home and what complaint he will have.
When he was leaving this morning he said What's up? I just said that I was a bit fed up about the argument last night and he just kind of tutted and left for work.

Attila, he's amazing with the kids. Absolutely dotes on them. He also cooks tea for us every night whilst I put the kids to bed.

Gran Have you experienced someone like this? Just genuinely interested to understand others situations.

He also keeps going on about how much money he is spending - the fact is that I used to earn just a bit more than him, but I'm now part-time and so he pays the most money towards our joint bills. He reminds me of this all the time. My point is, I went part-time as we both decided that I should spend time with the kids whilst they are young. I'll earn less money and review when they go to school. Surely this is a joint approach? I receive half the salary that I did so it should affect him too right? (or wrong?)

No, but I have a tendancy to be like that. However I can see it and work hard not to let it out, I can tell when I am being unbearable and I know it is me and not DP. He doesn't deserve to be treated that way, he is a good person. Just like you are a good person.

Re your finances, OMG, I am currently on mat leave, and even when I work I only earn a third of what DP earns. He would never ever rub my nose in that fact.

I am going to revise my opinion of your H, he is a cruel man, I am so angry on your behalf.

Snowexpected - just because he doesn't call you names doesn't mean his behaviour is not unacceptable.

He might look to you like a knight in shining armour - but the picture you are painting is very far from this.

He cooks dinner while you put the kids to bed - is marginally better than making you do both - but it's really not making up for the rest of the stuff you've mentioned.

When I posted here first, I also did what you are doing - worrying if I was painting H in too bad a light. Actually I was just deluded and worn down from all the arguments. I had believed his rubbish about how hard it was for him, and almost accepted that if only I was better, that he wouldn't act the way he did.

The short sharp shock treatment I got here really helped me see what the situation really was.

"Attila, he's amazing with the kids. Absolutely dotes on them. He also cooks tea for us every night whilst I put the kids to bed"

Well that's nice of him she writes in a caustic manner. The above just avoids the point.

But what do you feel about him?. You write that he puts you on edge!.

Children will love any parent, no matter how abusive they act within in the home. You have children already, you really do not need a selfish abusive manchild as well.

He does not act like this in public does he, he saves all this abuse for you and you take it lying down. You are in a weakened position here (because you have become conditioned by him) and he is taking advantage.

Granhands how did you start to recognise it as wrong in the past?

NewName I know what you mean about how he doesn't have to call me names for his behaviour to be unacceptable but I do question whether I'm in the wrong too. For example, I've been off work for a few days poorly although I do feel much better now but I have taken the time to relax cos my body is telling me to ifyswim but I'm nervous about him coming home. I surely shouldn't be like that but I've just realised this is what I was like as a kid. I had inconsistent parenting so I was never too sure what mood either of them would be in. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just making it up in my head because that's what I'm used to.

Attila He doesn't act like it in public, no but then again we're not out together all that much.

I'm wondering about writing a journal so that I can keep a record of things he does and says so that I can have a bit of perspective on it all. It's just that I seem to forget these things. I told him about 6 weeks ago that his behaviour was unacceptable and now I can't remember what he did then.

Snowexpected -

When it finally dawned on me that H was actually abusive, I did go into a sort of shock. It was like putting a jigsaw together. I also got horrible panic attacks following my confrontation of H with this (I showed him the thread) and moments where I genuinely thought I had gone insane.
Like you I had not the best parenting and no idea really of how 'normal' people behaved to each other.

I also felt I needed to keep a journal - because H would just deny/ignore me after his outbursts. Also it felt important to me to have all the facts - so that I could prove (to myself) that I was not actually in the wrong
I decided in the end to go to therapy (and so did H).

I now realise that it doesn't matter what the facts around the argument were. All that matters was/is how I felt/feel.

It doesn't matter that you are sick and taking it easy - the only thing that matters is that you are scared of his reaction. On every level this is soooo wrong.

Hopefully you will be able to make this connection. It makes everything much clearer.

re. your conversation a few weeks ago - I can hear H saying (angrily) - 'everything is always my fault' and being generally passive-aggressive, emotionally manipulative (bringing up all the 'wrongs' you have done to justify his behaviour)

Thanks for your response Newname. Hope you're doing ok? Have you split with H? What name were you using on your thread was it the one you are using now or a different one? I want to have a good read

I think the idea of keeping a journal is a great idea. Exactly for the reasons you state snowexpected

When I attended doc for depression there were times that I was unable to talk because of tears and it was then that I showed him something similar and he could easily access exactly how I was. We tend to forget things after time has passed and sometimes like you say think we are imagining things.

I hope you manage to get to your time out with your friend and that we are not snowed in again like expected.

that should read assess* and not access. Sorry for confusion.

Ooh, I realised because I have some level of self awareness, I really upset my DP by acting like a total nightmare and we had a long conversation about it.

Like I said in an earlier post he is a good person, I love him, but I was making him miserable with my behaviour.

I want to behave like a decent human, but that doesn't mean everyone does.

I would also like to say that I acted the way I did everywhere, not just behind closed doors, not sure if that is relavent though.

"He acts like he gets a raw deal"

Yes, this is how it starts....

sent you a pm SE

Gotit Newname - thanks.

Thanks to everyone for their posts. Given me some starters to sort this out