Compromise in relationships or is it weakness?

[mindymoo10]

I love my husband and he says he adores me (he does). He is wonderful with his DD and she loves him like crazy. BUT, he is so unthoughtful sometimes and has a drink problem.
Firstly he has always had 'a drink' and I suppose I didnt mind back in the days cos I would get home after he had been out for a pint. I only really decided it was a problem when I was pregnant- the 'part of the MY life has changed, so should yours' feeling.

He stopped for two weeks after she was born and has now been back on it- I really notice as I have not (and dont think I will!) touched a drop since. He doesnt get aggressive or nasty, just a bit highwinded (ie silly). Bubs thinks its great, cos he is all silly with her, but I get annoyed because we are not on the same level and we dont talk about things sensibly (apart from on his days off/before he rushes out to the pub). I feel like he chooses the pub over me and bubs. He doesnt think he has a drink problem, but I do (therein lies a big problem). I think it affect our relationship because we dont talk and I find him unattractive after a drink. He has also put tons of weight on due to the drink. Not sure if compromising on this is going to make me feel weak (if he doesnt think there is a problem, I cant change it). Towards the end of my pregnancy we were going out doing more- obviously now we dont do anything (I am exclusively BF and she wont take a bottle). He will occasionally on a friday go out till 4am at the local and get plastered- he doesnt see why he shouldnt as he works hard for his money and I am asleep anyway!!

Last night is an example of the behaviour that goes with the drinking. Because he had a meeting to go to, my mum came over to give me a hand to look after bubs whilst I did an errand. He sent me a message to say he was home early after all and was going to the pub- I let him know I would be home with my mum in 25 min. Get home and he is down the pub. He hardly speaks to my mum when he gets in, let alone says thank you for helping out. So now I'm mad! I think that is totally inconsiderate?? He is joint carer of our daughter not me and my mum- and it looks to my mum like she just came over to help out so he could go to the pub without any thanks. We had a long chat at the weekend about being honest with each other- I guess more on my part than his, but just feel like a nag if I say anything. I think last night was unreasonable? And I know I will get somekind of comment from my mother. Am I being unreasonable? I think since having a baby I have lost my way in what I find is acceptable and what isnt! But I cant see him changing- just looking for a bit of advice from anyone who has beein in a similar situation!

How much do people compromise in relationships and do you feel weak for accepting compromise (I am not sure what he is compromising!)- he has a drink 7 days a week which I think is unreasonable!! He will only have one or two pints but on occasion its 3...

mindymoo

What does your gut tell you about him?.

There is no acceptable compromise if he has a drink problem - he cannot drink alcohol at all. He is drinking seven days a week. He is coming out with the usual sorts of excuses such people utter; he works hard and he does not see it as a problem. You are tying yourself up in knots and it could well killl your relationship ultimately. Talking about honesty with such people is a waste of time and effort; they are often in denial of their alcoholism themselves. I bet you too he is badly underestimating how much he is drinking per week.

How many people know he has a drink problem?

Does he drink alcohol at home?. Do not drink alcohol with him under any circumstances; that is also enabling him.

I am sorry to have to ask this but I was wondering why you actually got married and had a child by him. Did you think/hope that marriage and or a family would change him re his alcoholism?.

Unless he wants to seek help for his own self there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do or say to help him. You can only help you. Actions speak louder than words as well. I do not mean this unkindly but as his wife you are the last person who can help him.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

The whole family need treatment when it comes to alcoholism, not just the alcoholic. You are as caught up on the merry go around of alcoholism as he is albeit in a different way. He is now dragging you and your child down with him.

He could go onto lose everything and still choose to drink. You are NOT responsible for him you know, only your own self and your child.

Everyone around this man is now enabling him (where are the consequences for his actions?) and this is no relationship template for your DD to be witnessing in the short term let alone longer term. A child would love any parent, even if he/she was a drunkard. But its not good for the child to grow up with a drunkard parent. You will not be able to protect this child fully from the realities of alcoholism.

His primary relationship is with alcohol with everything and everyone else coming a dim and distant second even if you do figure of his list of priorities.

The 3cs regarding alcoholism:-

1. You did not cause this
2. You cannot control this
3. You cannot cure this

I would urge you to speak to Al-anon by phone as they are helpful re family members of problem drinkers. You need to also read their literature, educate yourself further re alcoholism and if possible attend one of their meetings.

You need to consider longer term too both for yourself and your child.

There are often elements of codependency present within such relationships and you may also want to read Codependent no More written by Melodie Davies.

I think there are two separate issues here.

Compromise is incredibly important in a relationship. But, as you say yourself, where's the compromise here? Where's the give and take? A compromise in this situation would either he rein in his drinking to a few nights a week or you get to go out just as much as he does. Him going out and doing what he wants regardless of your feelings on the matter or his own responsibilities is not a compromise, it's just plain selfishness.

The second big issue is his drinking. Drinking every day is a big warning sign. You say he has two pints a day but, honestly, how do you know he's not drinking more? For some reason a lot of people with drink problems will tend to say that they've "only had a couple" even if they've had lots more. Does he do all his drinking in the pub or does he drink at home as well? If it's at the pub, how long is he there for every day? Even if it is only "a couple" of pints a day, that's still a lot of booze. It's roughly double what is generally regarded as a safe amount for a man, and maybe more depending on what he's actually drinking.

What would you like to see happen?

Hey both, thanks for your replies!

I will answer some questions- feel free to reply again, but even just writing it down helps, so thanks for that!

What does your gut tell you about him? I believe that he thinks its ok to drink. He actually said it wasnt affecting our relationship (as I have not talked to him about it before). The reason it came to light is that he has said he is giving up drink for a month or two (for dieting reasons) in the new year. This is when I said I didnt think he would be able to as I thought he had a problem (probably not very supportive of me!). He is quite stubborn and doesnt like 'being told what to do' so the fact that he has said himself he is giving up is a step in the right direction as far as I can see

Does he drink alcohol at home? yes, if he hasnt gone to the pub- I dont drink anymore- and make sure I make a point that I am not going to start at any point. I have been a bit saracastic and nagging over alcohol in the house and when he has come back from the pub which is just annoying him, so have made the resolution to either say something outright or shut up!

I am sorry to have to ask this but I was wondering why you actually got married and had a child by him. Did you think/hope that marriage and or a family would change him re his alcoholism? Dont be sorry- a great question! I didnt have any issue with it as I would either be out doing things during the week myself, and at weekends would probably be out with him. So niavely I didnt really see it how I see it now- I just thought it was something for him to do when I was out- selfishly it gave me some freedom to know he was doing something (yes looking back something more active/constructive would have been better for him). Yes that probably makes me pretty selfish for not being concerned about it before... :( No i didnt think that a family would change the alcoholism- I though it would change our life if you know what I mean (its certainly changed mine and my perspective on things- its amazing and I find it sad that he doesnt seem to be fully engaged on this journey). So now, yes, I am hoping that he will come to his senses, but concerned that perhaps if he really is an alcoholic, he will never change :( and that is so sad :(

What are you getting out of this relationship now? He is a very caring, loving person (although I now realise also insecure and needy although he would not ever want you to think that). He is very supportive in all the things I want to do and is encouraging me to find ways to work from home to spend time with LO etc, etc. He loves talking to people and often gives really sound advice to people in bad situations and so forth (he is not a selfish B*stard). There are the obvious above issues, but there are positives too!!

where are the consequences for his actions Hmmmm, good questions- I dont really give him consequences, any suggestions?

But, as you say yourself, where's the compromise here? there isnt! He has said he is giving up in the new year, I think that could be a compromise and then perhaps will be able to tackle the issue more (although I would want to push him back to drink by tackling it again when he is not drinking by keep bringing it up?) Guess that is where I need to speak to someone experienced with the issue

If it's at the pub, how long is he there for every day? an hour to sometimes two

What would you like to see happen? I would like to feel that he is in control of drinking, not the other way round. I would like to spend some time in the evenings with him that is quality time. I dont want to stop him doing what he wants to do (I am not his keeper), but if he just went once in the week and one weekend night that would be fine by me. BUT I do want to go back to going to the gym every evening eventually so it seems hardly fair to say, you stay at home whilst I go out? I still go out for cups of tea with different friends every afternoon before he goes to the pub and he has bubs then (so its not like he is saying I cant go out). Its that when he comes back he is not my husband (as I said before he is not nasty or aggressive and not always silly, but you know what I mean?..... hmmm will read this all again to myself! Yes I think I do need some kind of professional help- I am not sure if he will ever change though as he cant see the issue (or do alcoholic people just 'say that' to convince themselves???

PS just read up codependancy! Quite interesting, although the reason I was attracted to him was that he seemed to be a strong person that knew what they wanted and where they were going (he still does in my eyes but as I said there is definately an element of needyness there....). Gosh arent people complicated, lol!

mindy

Your H does not have (and will never have) the ability to control his drinking; it controls him. He should not be drinking alcohol at all. Denial of the problem saying its not affecting your relationship is commonly seen in people who are alcohol dependent. Alcoholics are very good at both lying to themselves and being in denial.

"I dont want to stop him doing what he wants to do (I am not his keeper), but if he just went once in the week and one weekend night that would be fine by me".

Went where and why can't you go with him?. If you are referring to the pub he cannot do that at all. He probably encourages you also to go out without him so that he gets more time to drink.

You need to show him that there are consequences for his actions. No consequences on his part means that you let him get away with these behaviours. You enable him as well by doing that.

Make your household an alcohol free one.

I would definately speak to Al-anon (I have already mentioned them) in your circumstances as they are helpful re family members of problem drinkers. You need help because alcoholism does not just affect the alcoholic; its everyone around them as well. You are affected by his drinking and you need help as a result. Your man is nowhere, repeat nowhere near wanting help and he may want to keep drinking regardless of losing everything. You are not the number 1 in his life, the alcohol is his main priority and alcohol is a cruel mistress.

You are NOT responsible for him at the end of the day.