I'm starting not to care whether or not we end up together. I'm sure I would after we split though, and ds is 6, dh is his world, he would be devastated. I think I need a kick up the bum. Care to provide?
DH feels I spend more time on my 'needy friends' than on him. I suppose he's right about that, I've lost sight of what is normal. DH is needy, my God he is, or he can be, but he does support me a lot as well. He wants a better sex life. I'm capable of getting interested - for the last few months i've sometimes looked at porn just before going to bed so that I'm at least taxiing down the runway before going to bed IYSWIM, but I do struggle a bit. I never have orgasms with a partner, it's never happened for me, and unfortunately due to medication he isn't orgasming either at the moment - we tend to do hand, fanjo, hand but there is usually a point where it fizzles out now. It's dispiriting. We have had discussions about our sex life before, as you do, and things that dh has said in the past have stuck in my mind - he once said that he didn't enjoy me going on top as I was so heavy, and a couple of years ago he said that he felt less than he would like to during sex (i.e. not enough pressure). I've been using an Aquaflex vaginal training thingy intermittently, which he did say had improved things a bit, but these comments come into my mind during sex and I feel upset. He is frequently too ill (depression, anxiety) to try sex anyway. He is very tactile, lots of hugs and kisses which is lovely.
Since first meeting me, dh has gone from having a well-paid professional job to working for himself, to being unable to work at all. It's not quite that simple, he is on a lot less medication now than he was when he was working, and I have supported him in his decisions rather than emasculating him (I hope). In the meantime he has supported me to study, which has been a huge deal. I should be much more grateful. But he agonises over his work situation, pretty much every day since we have been together - almost 8 years. I am so absolutely sick of discussing it, I can't tell you.
We had a long discussion on Saturday, and for the first time I found myself thinking 'I'm not sure I can be bothered'. He talked about moving out, which he has occasionally done, as he feels like a burden to us. Maybe it would actually be better... and yet i feel I would be a disaster as a single parent, I am not the most patient of people, and i worry about what would happen to dh's mental health if he were living alone, also what ds's relationship with him would be. I can't see anything in perspective.
This has turned into a ramble. I should be in bed with him right now and I feel like running away.