Please help - Need advice on dh's drinking

[Esme69]

My dh fell in the door at 4am sunday after his office night out. He is the boss, and he was the last to leave, ending up in a dingy sleazy night club locally nicknamed "Sin City" where people go to cheat on their spouses.

Am not worried that he was cheating on me. He was with his brother and some staff members, but the point is that he was seen by all and sundry, including his own staff, in our small town, pissed as a fart and in a dive of a night club.

At home he has a wife and 5 kids. On the sunday when he finally surfaced, he was fit for nothing all day. This makes me very angry on behalf of the kids as they, (and I ) deserve better than this from their dad on a sunday.

He was just back from a weekend piss up in london, with his brothers, and 4 weeks ago he went out with his brother and fell in the door at 3am, pissed again. He is 41 years old.

When not on the piss, he considers himself as as someone with an image in the town, and a reputation to maintain. Sadly when he drinks, all this goes out the window.

His binges have plagued our marriage for 10 years. We have been in counselling 3 times. I FINALLY realised in the last bout of counselling that I was totally co dependent, and the more I tried to control or restrain his social activities the more he resented it and pushed against it, and we ended up in a place where he was binging les, but hated me for being his "keeper."

Yesterday however, he came home from work and told me he felt really bad about letting me down, (he always says that, even though he is letting HIMSELF down as much as anyone) and that from now on, he wants me to sort of give him a pep talk any timed before he goes out, reminding him of what he did at his xmas party and telling him how hw should be behaving. In other words he wants me to go back to the role i played before,even though that bred so much resentment in him and so much stress in me, and also in a way puts the onus for him not behaving like a tit on to me, which in a 41 year old man is in my opinion, quite pathetic.

I feel very despondent about this issue, quite depressed in fact, as I really really thought when we finished counselling in October that I had made some kind of breakthrough in understanding how to deal with this, and that by trying to control his behaviour I had perhaps contributed to it. Now I realise it was nothing to do with me. He is exactly the same, in fact slightly worse since I stepped back from things, and I find this profoundly depressing.

I feel it is unfair, and misguided of him to expect me to talk him through his paces befroe he goes out as if he was a teenager.

I feel no respect for a man that expects his wife to do this, and if i cannot respect him, then I dont know what becomes of our marriage.

Would really appreciate some advice or thoughts from anyone who knows about this sort of issue.

You sound strong esme which is great. It's not easy being in your situation but maybe this time your husband is finally listening.

I understand that out of control thing that after a few pints with certain people, all sense goes out the window and the result is completely unpredictable.

I am also new to this boundary setting and I feel so uncomfortable about it. I tried stating my expectations on my DH's work do and it came out all wrong and went a bit pear shaped. But I had said I thought being home by 11pm (given it started at 5) was the right thing to do. It was met with "why?" and then more "why's" to each one of my feeble reasons. So I stropped off in the end and said "well do what you like, you always do anyway", then had a little secret cry, maybe that's passive aggressive but it seems to be our well rehearsed script. DH didn't know I'd gone off and cried but he knew I was pissed off with him and upset. Anyway nearly the first time ever, he appeared at 1015 reasonably sober. I was relieved but a bit depressed that we might need to go through this whole performance each and every time there's an event.

The change in tack sounds a good strategy. Can you emphasize how much of an impact his drinking has on your respect and love for him? Him thinking your reaction is OTT is him trying to make you doubt yourself and back down. Don't but rather keep telling him that it really has and does bother you and how would he feel if something that upset him to that extent about you was basically ignored by you?

Thanks L2C. What a relief it is to be able to share this problem with someone else who is going through the same thing.

I am sorry that you had to go through that sort of negotiation with your dh before his night out. I am well used to being in that role. It is awful, and I have come to resent being the one to lay down the law to my dh who obviously is an adult and should know himself the right way to behave.

And I understand your relief that your dh arrived home at a reasonabe time, at least he took what you said on board. If I said to my dh to be home by 11pm, it would never be before that time, always a bit after, he would always push his luck.

But I realise now that my dh may never change this aspect of himself, and that it may always be a problem, to a greater or lesser extent in our marriage, so I am determined to NOT dismiss or gloss over how I feel about it, and NOT feign intimacy with him when deep down I am angry as hell, and to basically say No this is not acceptable and as you are not treating ME with respect then dont be suprised if I cannot be 100% there for you as your wife.

Hate to do this, feels like being a bitch, but at this stage in my life, I would rather become a bitch than remain a doormat.

Thanks for advice and support L2c and good luck with your dh. Am here if you need to vent.

Hi esme how are things today? You sound determined to stick to your point of view on this issue this time round and not be swayed by your DH so I was wondering whether you are noticing a difference in his usual reaction. I hope so, I hope that it is dawning on him that he needs to take your concerns seriously.

How you manage all 5 kids yourself when he is hungover is beyond me. What ages are they? He is presumably asleep for the morning after a session or awake but grumpy and intolerant of the normal noise of children. I struggle to do that with 2 children never mind 5! I have no problem being with my kids on my own in the normal course of the week or a weekend when DH is working or away, but I really resent him not being capable due to drinking too much, or what's worse is him thinking he is capable and then being cranky and short tempered.

And you're right to be true to your feelings. You can't brush it all under the carpet as your happiness and trust in your DH is too important. As a healthcare professional is your DH not bothered about the health implications of binge drinking, or his safety getting home when he's wasted?

Thanks for saying I could vent on your thread - sure will be taking you up on that!

Op the one overriding thing that hit me was that he must be suffering from some degree of stress, and he's letting off steam inappropriately?

Does he have any other outlets for his energy, or other ways of relaxing?

He has several demanding jobs, and a demanding homelife, it might be he just simply needs a break?

Hi l2Cycle,
My laptop had died a sudden death so I am using my dh's one for this, ironically enough!

Dh was away last night at a city about an hour away, on an all-day lunch jolly, involving lots of alcohol and an overnight stay in a hotel, (due to snow!)

I had to cope with a sick 2 and 4 year old, as well as the other 3, on my own.

He arrived home today at lunchtime, then worked for the afternoon, so I didnt see much of him till dinner. We ate, I was quieter than normal, then we sat in the tv room for two hours with barely a word between us. He watched a film, I think he hardly noticed I was there tbh, and eventually I just went on up to bed, as no company was better than sitting there with him in silence. I am pretty sure he knows I am not myself, and am subdued, but he is avoiding talking about it, he just doesnt want to go there.

You said I sound strong, but I dont feel strong. I feel quite fragile at the moment, I start to well up all the time just thinking about this. But where I am strong I suppose is that in the past I would have pushed those feelings down and avoided them, whereas now, I am putting myself first, and if he wants tp put his head in the sand and avoid it m, then fine, but I am not going to collude in that fantasy, that everythin is jsut fine anymore.

What about you L2c, any developments or further thoughts about things from your end? I think it is really important now, at your stage, to decide what is acceptable to you, and what is not, and really stick to that.I have been way too easygoing and accomodating in the past, and have been my own worst enemy.

Well beingsetup, I think that my dh does get time out. He was away last night on this jolly in the city.Last week he had the booze up, and two days before the booze up he had a night out with his mates. Then the first weekend in december he had a boys weekend in London.

He plays golf once a week also and does a spin class on a monday night.

He helps put kids to bed maybe 4 nights out of 7, max.

Overall, as a dad of 5 young ones, I 'd say he does alright on the de-stressng front.

Being strong in the way you describe is really positive as you are being true to yourself and not burying your needs. But I can understand how fragile you must feel with that atmosphere. Exhausting.

Get a good sleep tonight - will you be asking him to take over tomorrow to give you some time off?

Thanks for asking about me. My DH had a pre-planned afternoon at the pub with his brother and came home pretty pissed at 10 having said he'd be home at 7 or 8. I have let it go for tonight as he's too far gone to bother discussing it. I'm not bothered anyway as he wasn't late - but I predicted he would be home 10/11ish whereas he seemed surprised (and apologetic) that he was late!

Where I will not let up will be in tomorrows activities - I am so far behind with things that he will have to step in no matter how hungover. But I might do the more child-involved tasks to avoid them getting barked at by him.

Oh and meant to say - he really does do alright as a father of 5 young kids. He seems to have a lot of leisure time! Does he give you breaks? I can't imagine how you manage 2 sick children and 3 others on your own. I would be making that an issue, just to ensure that leisure time was roughly equal.

How would he manage if you went away overnight like he did last night?

Thanks L2C, yes it is exhausting actually, have just spent another sunday night sitting in the same room with him, him glued to the box, me reading the papers, we have had no real communication today at all.

This morning, as per usual I got up to give the kids breakfast. He surfaced 30 mins later, wandered down to the kitchen and then said he was off for a shower. I said that he should sit with the kids and have breakfast with them, (as he never eats with them during the week at all) and that really given he got away the night before, he really ought to have let me stay in bed and getup to do breakfast. He got all huffy about this, said it was very unfair and that I should have ASKED him to get up and eat with the kids or get their breakfast. In other words, I have to ask this guy to eat with his own kids, or ASK him to let me stay in bed and get up instead, instead of him having the consideration to do this without being asked. So he has had an air of martyrdom on him all day, and has barely spoken to me for saying this to him.

I think that I could forgive the drinking bouts if he was a lovely kind guy in between times. But he isnt. He is thoughtless, selfish, arrogant, critical, and rude, a lot of the time, so all of this is just really weighing on me now and combining to make me feel really FED up!

Sorry to moan. I did have a night away with a friend in June. He does manage ok, his mum helps out, and if he wants to go out with the lads, he just gets a babysitter to look after the kids. He can afford it, so just does what he wants.

I will take a night in Jan or feb and go away with a girlfriend somewhere. I get away as much as I want/need, but tbh, I dont feel happy leaving him with all of the kids for more than a night as he is not very good at it, he is not used to them and gets very cross and impatient at them.

Your dh sounds SO like mine, it is uncanny. You sound like me about 6 years ago. I dont know what to tell you except that I wish I had not put up with my dh's boozing sessions for so long, it made it so much harder to say "enough" when I eventually did. He did not take me seriously, and in some ways, still doesnt. Yes he has improved a lot from the early days, but really it is too little, too late. Dont know where we go from here.

If i dont post for a few days its cos my laptop is going to hospital tomorrow as it appears to be stone dead, hopefully I can get it revived soon, as ujsing dh laptop for this, which is not ideal!!

Hello OP
Sorry your h is putting you through this.
Some of your story resonates with me, I separated from my XH 4 months ago, and toward the end of our relationship he was going to til all hours, rolling in paralytic, and the whole of the next day would be a write off for me and dcs.

Turns out he was having an affair, and one of those nights he left his phone unguarded and I saw a text arrive from OW.

I am not suggesting your h is having an affair, but I do think it's utterly selfish behaviour on his part. And I do think he is avoiding any responsibility for himself. And he is not respecting you.

You have a busy life, and I think it's time you respected yourself and put yourself first. He seem to do exactly as he pleases. What about you?

Best wishes

How are things today esme?

I have to say I agree with helicopter about his selfishness. The more you say about his behaviour, the worse it sounds for you. Being a nice guy in between drinking sessions in no way excuses them or makes their impact on you any better, but showing a willingness to change would help and he doesn't seem to be doing that.

Do you think he realises that one consequence of this behaviour continuing would be for you to leave him? I don't mean that you say that as an idle threat but as a very real possibility if he continues to ignore your concerns.

hi there, i think he knows that if it got bad enough then i would. But at the moment, things are not bad enough to justify leaving. They are bad enough to make me feel very sad, let down, frustrated and totally disconnectd from him, and feel no desire for him at all. I feel that i have to either accept this and live with it, albeit live unhappily, or leave. And i cant do that to the kids.

"I feel that i have to either accept this and live with it, albeit live unhappily, or leave. And i cant do that to the kids".

Esme,

Re your above comment:-

How bad do things have to get exactly?. Where is your rock bottom. It sounds pretty much awful now within the home.

Getting him out of the marital home may be the kick up the arse he needs. Or it may not and he'll still continue to drink to excess regardless. With alcoholism there are no guarantees but you are still not and have never been responsible for him. You're making you responsible for his alcoholism.

Living unhappily with him is no answer for you and nor is it for the children who are also unfortunate witnesses to all this.

I would ask what exactly you are teaching the children about relationships here if you were to remain with this man. They see and hear most if not all spoken and unspoken stuff that goes on between you; they know you are unhappy with him and they end up getting confused and unhappy themselves. They cannot or will not express that to you but it will be there within them and they could well internalise their pain. Also they would not thank you for remaining with him for the long haul either; as adults they could well accuse you of putting him before them.

You have a choice re this man at the end of the day, your children do not.

This is truly no relationship model to be showing them, they will learn that they need to put up and shut up.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.