Help me stop being so paranoid (after DP's EA)

[TellMeHow]

Background is DP had a prolonged emotional affair and brief physical affair with OW. EA was conducted by text and mobile phone.

Anyway, we had Relate counselling after I found out and we are sticking together and working on our relationship.

I need some help and advice though as I'm paranoid every time I see DP texting or on the computer that hes contacting her. I have no reason to think he is in conatct again but read all sorts into situations eg. if hes a bit off with me I think its because he wants to be with her and thinks hes made the wrong decision in staying here.

How do I stop being so paranoid? Its getting me down. I can't keep challenging him and realise I need to start showing some trust.

How have others dealt with this?

Oh and now hes talking about upgrading his phone and contract so he can use it for internet access which (in my paranoia) makes me think that that gives him free reign to be emailing her and stuff too throughout the day when hes at work. And as its on his phone I won't be able to keep tabs on his browsing history.

Am I sounding unhinged here?!

I think you are expecting far too much of yourself. It takes an incredible amount of time to learn to deal with the fall out of infidelity, and longer still to regain trust.

Of course you feel paranoid when you see him texting - that's how he conducted his affair. These feelings are normal and he needs to understand how it makes you feel. It has to be complete openness and honesty from now on, even if he feels watched, tough, that is the fall out.

It's going to take time and a lot of hard work, especially on his part, before things become better.

I wish you well.

How long has it been since discovery? Don't ever feel you are unhinged over this - this is how it makes you feel.

Thank you Karmann.

It is 6 months on BTW.

I almost seem to be more paranoid now than the first few months.

I was in a relationship like this for 3 years spending every single days worrying like this exactly like you. I started to lose my friends over this. Eventually I left and the OW had a brief relationship with him but she couldn't cope with his cheating personality only this time the situaton was reversed as he was contacting me behind her back. This I found revolting, still it took me at long year to get over him. It was the worst experience of my life and I can only wish you strength and hope you make the right decision if it is worthy for you to suffer like this.I wish I left much earlier.

You are bound to be paranoid. Don't rush things and don't beat yourself up about this.

In the initial stages there is the shock, horror, disbelief, disappointment, and so the list goes on, coupled with the desire to make it work. The extreme, almost unnatural, drive to make it work.

Then, as you are finding now, the reality hits hard. This is the start of trying to make it work. This is the start of the realisation of what has happened and the start of the healing process and also the grieving process of the relationship you lost. This has to be a new relationship and not a resurrection of the old one.

Don't let him sweep it under the carpet and explain to him how it all makes you feel. Talk, talk and them talk some more.

I think it is ok for a short while after for him to be completely transparent whilst the trust is rebuilt. Did you read Shirley Glass's book? That is really helpful.

You do not sound unhinged. My H had an affair and trying to rebuild trust is a long process and requires your H to be understanding about it whilst you do that.

I'm glad I found this as I was going to post asking how long it would take to regain trust.

My husband had an EA which I found out about. He then slept with her once after I'd booted him out. And that pretty much brought him to his senses and after a lot of talking and crying we're now trying put our lives back together again.

But it's so hard at the moment. We've done the anger, followed by the recriminations, followed by the passionate reconnection but now, 9 months in, I'm still finding it impossible to trust him and I find myself questioning him, checking his suit pockets etc etc.

He works away for a few days a week but checks in regularly and he's not really given me any cause to be suspicious - but the trust has gone and I don't know how long it's going to take to get us back anywhere near normal again.

In my experience, if trust remains an issue long into recovery, it suggests that the real cause of the affair has been missed.

You don't say what came out of your Relate sessions, but again I will tell you that if the focus of recovery was your relationship and not three other significant contributory factors, you may have missed an opportunity.

A more holistic approach to analysing affairs looks at the unfaithful party's individual vulnerability, his lifestyle vulnerabilities and the social and gender politics you have both absorbed over the years. Having a happy relationship is not an insurance policy against infidelity.

A lazy approach to infidelity is when it is assumed that relational factors on their own caused a marriage to become vulnerable to an affair. This ignores the fact that every relationship has its down phases and yet not everyone will be unfaithful (you weren't for example) and significant numbers of people will turn down an opportunity if it arises.

It is possible that deep down, you know this and suspect that if he gets another opportunity, your H will be unfaithful again, either with the former OW, or someone new.

Trust is only rebuilt when someone who was previously unfaithful understands why he was and can honestly say that he wouldn't do that to himself again. Since none of us can prevent infidelity in another person, the only person we can protect is ourselves. I suspect therefore that your trust cannot return until you believe that your H will protect himself in future.

Furtively replying whilst at work so will be quick.

Thanks everyone for your contributions.

Thanks TeaandChristmasCakePlease for the PM -I will read in depth when I'm home

WWIFN -I've read a lot of your posts on other threads and I think a lot of what you've said about the SG book applies to us. Our counsellor was very good compared to some that I've read about on here. he talked a lot about "investments" ie. any "investment" we made elsewhere (ie. DP towards the other woman) was denying our relationship that investment . He also spoke about taking responsibility for our own decisions and that situations like DP responding to the OW texts did not "just happen because he was replying, as you do" but was actually DP making a decision to reply. He pointed out situations like that where we had to be aware that we were making a decision about our relationship, what we felt about each other etc.

I will come back to this later as a bit awkward here at work.

OP reading your thread this could almost be me although there was no physical relationship between OH and OW it was all texting. We're working hard because had an amazing relationship we both knew was worth saving and I'm glad to say everything has pretty much gone back to normal and we are extremely happy.
But if I see him texting I'm instantly curious/insecure, if he's in the bath (he plays games on his phone, always has but it became his chance to text her) then I'm sat wondering. If he's the least bit distant I'm questioning him, is everything ok etc, convinced he's changed his mind.
But...he's done everything in his power to regain my trust, if he sees me looking when he gets a text he'll show me who it's from and his reply, we've gone back to sharing a bath like we did in the early days of our relationship which has been a great help with closeness and reconnection. If i question him when he's a bit quiet he's happy to reassure me everythings fine and he's just tired/work stressed. I have absolutely no reason to
doubt his commitment and he's basically been
incredible with trying to make things up to me, bending over backwards tbh. I do trust him but there are times when I feel paranoid. I think it's dealing with the realisation that he could deceive me so easily and yet still stay so attentive in the process. It takes time I suppose. Its relative early days for me, i only found out about 6 weeks ago. My thread on here was immense as was the help and support from mn'ers. No help, just wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling this way and I'm assuming (hoping) it's normal.